Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my friend 're her wedding??

222 replies

FataliePorkman · 25/04/2017 20:45

Friend is getting married in 3 weeks. I'm a bridesmaid.

When she first announced she was getting married she said that no children other than relatives were coming. She agreed my DC could come as ex P works abroad and my parents and ex in laws are invited to the evening do.

Friend then asked DD to be a flower girl as her cousin wasn't able to come so her DD couldn't do. Friends DD and my DD do not get along so DD doesn't want to do it. She asked 2 weeks ago after her cousin dropping out and I told her the next day DD doesn't want to do it.

Friend has now uninvited (by text) my DC as a distant relative has contacted her to say they will be coming so they are taking DCs place.

aibu to be pissed off? Train hotel are all booked and paid for and quite a bit of expense. Mum has offered to miss out on the wedding at stay at home with them but we have also paid for a pet sitter who has a 4 week cancellation policy so that's more money I'll be burning.

OP posts:
Wedrine4me · 25/04/2017 23:59

Pull out if you want but then that will probably be the end of your friendship
If you really want to keep the friendship then look at it from her point of view being generous here

Your friend didn't want kids at her wedding, but despite her dd not getting on with yours, she agreed to her coming as a favour to you. She then asks you for a favour, for dd to be another flower girl. She probably thinks it's not a big ask so is upset that you won't comply. Yes it's crap to have responded the way she has but we know how bridezilla and stressed and unreasonable many brides get so I suppose maybe you could cut her some slack if you want to save the friendship. Pick up the phone and see if you can resolve it if you want to.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 23:59

The 6yo would only have come to the conclusion she was "2nd choice flower girl" if it was presented to her in that way

6yo's don't develop that peculiar victim mentality that these two women are displaying here until much later in life

GreatFuckability · 26/04/2017 00:05

I really don't understand what it is you think the OP has done wrong here, Anyfucker? She was asked if her dd wanted to do it, DD declined (the reason is immaterial, she chose not to) and then suddenly the child is uninvited? I wouldn't in a million years expect that reponse from a friend. the only way the OP could possibly be at fault is if she was shitty in how she refused the invitation to be a fg. the child was already a guest so it wasn't dependent on her being a fg. she didn't say yes then change her mind. it was a simple 'no thanks'.

ItsOut · 26/04/2017 00:09

Anyfucker
I reckon op presented it in a really negative way for reasons of her own

Maybe I don't get it because I simply would not offer the choice of being a flower girl or not

The 6yo would only have come to the conclusion she was "2nd choice flower girl" if it was presented to her in that way

You have no idea how the OP asked her daughter. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You are putting quite a spin on things....

AnyFucker · 26/04/2017 00:10

I can see that people don't where I am coming from but I am speaking in plain English

Neither if these women look too good here

I wouldn't take a "no" from a 6yo, especially when the collaborative outcome is probably going to be the end of a friendship. It seems lots of people would. It doesn't compute for me.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2017 00:10

Don't get

SweetLuck · 26/04/2017 00:11

If the wedding was somehow dependant on having two flower girls or if the bride had said 'your DD can now only come if she is a flower girl' then you might have a point AF. But as it is I recon you responded without thinking it through and are now in a position of justifying a silly stance Grin.

SweetLuck · 26/04/2017 00:13

How the hell could anybody predict that their DD not wanting to be a second choice flower girl would end a friendship Confused?

AnyFucker · 26/04/2017 00:14

It seems like the friendship is dependent on there being two flower girls

And both these women have taken the "silly stance" to let the relationship between two very young children be the catalyst that made what must have been very flimsy in the 1st place come tumbling down

ItsOut · 26/04/2017 00:17

I wouldn't take a "no" from a 6yo, especially when the collaborative outcome is probably going to be the end of a friendship. It seems lots of people would. It doesn't compute for me

Really? Personally I wouldn't care about a friendship with someone who would be shirty with me if I didn't force my child to be a bridesmaid for her.

GinSwigmore · 26/04/2017 00:17

Me neither. Nor do I think the school scenario is that much different: am pretty sure there are not many kids who, being placed with partners or in teams not of their choosing, see it as being of great benefit to them at the time. But I maintain it is an important life skill and, whether aged six or sixty, there are often times we suck something up for the opportunity to do something nice for someone else.

Friendofsadgirl · 26/04/2017 00:22

I read from your OP that you have more than one DC who were invited to the wedding. Then the bride asked your DD to be flower girl once her cousin and cousin's DD dropped out. When your DD declined, your DC (more than just that one DD) were uninvited by text. Have I got this right?

If that's the case, YANBU. I would text back " As you know, I have no childcare for your wedding so if the DC are not attending, I will not be able to come either."

AnyFucker · 26/04/2017 00:23

Maybe I am alone in not letting 6yo's call the shots

That's ok with me

If op had taken the time to persuade her dd to be a flower girl, all would still be well. In my world, any further shenanigans would simply have not occurred so that there wouldn't have been any opportunity for the bride to be to spit the dummy out and subsequently for op to have to cancel her attendance

It's all just so un necessary

KC225 · 26/04/2017 00:32

The mother is doing something nice for her friend, she is booking trains, pet sitters etc to travel without her DH to be the bridesmaid.

It is not the responsibility of a six year old girl (second choice) to make or break a wedding.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid t a friend's wedding and I said 'no'. Guess what I was still invited. We are still friends

ItsOut · 26/04/2017 00:34

Maybe I am alone in not letting 6yo's call the shots

Literally no one has suggested that 6 year olds should be allowed to call the shots. Hmm

The OP asked her DD if she wanted to be a flower girl and she declined. At the time the OP wouldn't have known it would cause any fallout because if the bride was a normal non-bridezilla friend it wouldn't have. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SweetLuck · 26/04/2017 00:36

Maybe I am alone in not letting 6yo's call the shots

Are you on glue?

Zoflorabore · 26/04/2017 00:42

Do you have a 6yr old dd AF?

I do and I know for sure as much as she is sweet, polite etc etc that I could not "force" her to be a flower girl against her wishes!

There's lots of photos to do etc, it would be plainly obvious that she wouldn't want to be doing it.
It's as though as the dd is only 6 then she has no sayConfused

GreatFuckability · 26/04/2017 00:45

But the OP had NO IDEA that the friendship was dependent on her DD agreeing to this. Perhaps had she known, she might have pushed it more?
It's not about a 6 year old 'calling the shots' its about a grown woman throwing a strop and jeopardizing her own bridesmaid's attendance over something so utterly trivial.
I would rather be friendless than have a friend who was so childish.

GinSwigmore · 26/04/2017 00:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flypaperforarseholes · 26/04/2017 00:58

AnyFucker What flew up your arse?!
OP's DD has every right to refuse tge invitation to be flower girl. It was an invitation, not a legal summons! Allowing a child to choose which non-essential activities they take part in is not letting them "call the shots". Part of bringing children up well is teaching them they don't have to do things they don't want to do just to please someone else.
You are making assumptions about the way OP presented the idea to her DD in order to make it fit with your skewed narrative.
OP, I would speak to the bride and explain to her that aside from the practicalities of having no childcare, you also wouldn't be comfortable going to an event which your DD has been "uninvited" from.

Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2017 01:07

FataliePorkman this is really horrible.

i cannot believe for a second anyone is suggesting you or your dd are at fault. That is crazy!

Please pick up the phone and ask your 'friend' what her text means. Get her to use her own words to confirm whether your dd is invited or not to the wedding.

If she has the audacity to say that your dd is not invited anymore then decide what to do.

I would say (and I am rarely the one to make a big gesture) "Very strange that you want to uninvite my daughter. I was not even aware that people could do that.

I've spent lots of money on XYZ to be there for you on your big day and you know there is not one to look after my dd so you must realise that this means I cannot now come to your wedding and be your bridesmaid. That is a real shame. Please see whether you can re-invite my dd so that this can be resolved otherwise you will need to look for another bridesmaid."

It's kind of your mum to offer to look after your dd but it does not seem fair for her to miss out. This 'friend' is putting you and your dd, and your mum, in a horrible situation over what, the cost of a child's meal!

Of course you should not need to persuade a child to be a flower girl! What rubbish. There is no way my dd would be able to do this. I remember massive efforts to get her into a nice outfit for a wedding at a similar age. (We failed!)

Equating being a bridesmaid with going to school, what is going on!

I have tried to push my kids into things in the past. There is always the worry they will say loudly at a very inopportune moment "And I don't like you and I never wanted to be here anyway!" Quite loudly.

This is not about you, or your dd, it is this 'friend' who has chosen to prioritize a distant relative over your dd, and therefore by extension, over you.

Totally agree with Itsout "Personally I wouldn't care about a friendship with someone who would be shirty with me if I didn't force my child to be a bridesmaid for her."

Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2017 01:10

Society has lots of situations where little girls need to put their own preferences aside for others. I don't think that is a great lesson to teach them at all.

"If op had taken the time to persuade her dd to be a flower girl, all would still be well."

No it would not.

It would simply delay the moment at which this 'friend' revealed herself to be a totally self-absorbed shit.

Do let us know what happens, OP.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 26/04/2017 01:12

Yep, decline. It's really petty of her to un invite your DD, flower girl fiasco or not.

Atenco · 26/04/2017 01:33

How on earth were the little girl or her mother to know the repercussions of saying no?

Italiangreyhound's suggestion of phoning her is very sensible.

TheStoic · 26/04/2017 01:40

It sounds like your friend did you a favour by accommodating your daughter at her wedding due to your circumstances, although she really wanted no (non-related) children.

Now she's asked you for a favour due to her circumstances, and you said No. Not because you can't, but because your daughter doesn't want to.

She should not have uninvited your daughter, but I can see why she is upset.

Swipe left for the next trending thread