I think you have been very honest, I think there are a lot of perfect mothers on mn at times.
I think the pre teen age is sometimes harder than the teen stage.
I have 3, aged 14, 12 and 9. The older 2 went through a phase of this and the youngest one is now going through it.
First, change you expectation, no, he is not going to be grateful for anything you do for him, because kids aren't. But, he can be expected to say thank you and not to be entitled about it.
Things I have done -
sit them down and talk about respect, I will respect you need to get driven to football, but you have to repsect my need not to be spoken to like that.
Point out that we all live in this house, and all pull our weight. Everyone does their share. No chores = no x box/pocket money/dinner!
Don't engage if they are shouting/stropping/ being rude. Just become broken record - I can't hear you until you stop shouting/being rude.
Expect backlash form standing your boundaries, but don't rise to it. So - no xbox because your chores aren't done, cue stroppy temper all over house, I go on cooking dinner/reading paper and ignore.
Some selective hearing. When they are doing the above (stropping over a boundary enforcement) I ifnore what is being said and pretend I didn't hear.
Some zero tolerance points, choose carefully and make them absolutes. Ds told me to F off this week, as he was cross over his wi-fi being turned off. Immediate screens ban, he knows that, he didn't even complain about it, and after an hour he came and apologised, and said he deserved the screen ban (which is a massive deal for him) Swearing at me is a zero tolerance point, as is hitting siblings, and a couple of other things, including massive attitude.
BUT with a 10 year old, in between all of this, you really really need to get some love in. (yes I know you do with teens too)
Schedule special ds and me time, this should never be taken away for punishment. With ds, as the oldest, friday night time became our time, dh put girls to bed and we had the lounge, and watched Dr Who together, (on catch up) snuggled on sofa with hot chocolate mugs. This was really effective. He calmed down a lot and talked to me a lot too.
And, easier said than done - always stay calm and reasonable, the broken record thign is very effective, and helps you to stay calm. It just means don't react to all the stuff being said, but repeat your demand - ds, I know you don't want to come off the computer, but you need to lay the table now. ds turn the computer off and come and lay the table. Ds I am not interested in the youtube video, you need to come to the table, etc etc.
And have a bottom, line, I am so angry I coudl hit him, then walk away, no matter what, leave the room, go into your bedroom, shut the door and breathe. Count to ten. If he tries to follow you in, shut the door and lean on it/lock it, so he can't come into your bedroom and you are physically seperate, until you have calmed down.