to shout/scream at DS(10) that he's a "spoilt, horrible brat" twice in last 24 hours

[Tablelegtiger]

Ok, I know IABU. Its not good parenting and a horrible thing to do and i now feel really awful but just don't know what to do with him. I pulled his hair in anger and frustration yesterday. What do you do when you love a DC very much but you are starting to hate the way they behave? His behaviour is making me feel v angry of late (and DH), too much to go through here but just being a horrible kid really. Lying, being really ungrateful for everything we do for him, being sarcastic and cheeky, doing sweet FA to contribute to household helping etc. I was expecting some of this at 17 but not 10. We've tried rewards for good behaviour, incentives etc. Its really making me feel down and a shit parent and I can't bear the thought that this is the start of a downhill relationship with him and the lovely little boy we had is slipping away. We have another younger DC who is witnessing this too and often suffers consequences (eg being made late for school due to morning 'episodes' with his brother).

*calmer

Have a look at the book how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk
And the whole brain child

Have a look at the book how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk

I actually have a copy of this that I would be willing to send to you if you like...its amazing. I bought it thinking it may help with my 4 year old..which it kind of did but I can see how it would be MUCH more useful for older children

I just finished reading Doorslammers and Divas. It's about teens but works for any age. Here's a summary:

1. apologise, ask for a reset
2. target 1 behaviour you want to change
3. have a plan based on small rewards, don't take everything away (Eg 20p for each day without swearing at me )
4. 6 bits praise for every 1 bit of criticism
5. plan what you want to say, and don't make parenting decisions when you are cross

"I have (willingly) made a lot of sacrifices for my DC. We have lots of fun and I spend lots of time chatting with him etc."

So do we all.

"I'm not a crazed, screaming, abusive mother."

What you describe is abuse. Hopefully it is not the norm, but if things have got this extreme then its unlikely you are doing a great job most of the time.

I burnt my judgy pants when I became a parent. They can be monsters and I wouldn't like to bet that I'll never lose it like you did. Without judging: you need external help.

Try and get on some parenting courses. Lots of good advice online. Ship him out to relatives for a bit of a break one night. Sit down with your DH and agree some strategies.

If that doesn't work I really think you should consider contacting SS. I know that won't feel nice, but they can help (at least a bit).

OP there are parents up and down the country losing their blob on a regular basis and feeling bad about it. You can't change what's happened but you can move forward positively so don't worry.

I'd recommend "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and "mercury's child". Both are really fantastic.

You need to try and change your viewpoint so you verbalise as much positively as you can about what he is doing right. And explain it.

• I notice you took your shoes off without being asked. Excellent.
• I see you washed up your cup and put it away - that was really responsible.
• saying "excuse me" when you sneezed was very polite. Good for you.

He will be doing lots of positive and good things, even if they're small things. The more you praise what is going well the more things will improve.

If you feel like you're losing your blob, tell him "I'm getting really annoyed now. I'm going to have a few minutes in the garden alone now" or "I'm feeling really cross, go up to your room until I call you down please".

Keep instructions really clear and expectations clear. Tell him "when you threw the chair on the floor and told me to shut up that was really rude. Totally unacceptable. I would like an apology please now".

Rather than going into a whole "James your boots are in the kitchen again how many times do I have to tell you to put them by the back door it's like I'm talking to myself why won't you listen?!!!" Just say:
"James - boots"

If he's spoiled, that's your responsibility. You are abusive towards him, don't be pissed off if nearly everyone feels compelled to say so. You need to genuinely accept responsibility for YOUR behaviour and what example you are setting for him. As someone who was regularly screamed at, pulled by the hair, hit and pushed around from a young age, your attempt to gloss over it and avoid criticism is particularly sad. Unless you are wholeheartedly willing to accept pp's comments about how awful you've been to your son, then you aren't truly sorry. Access family/parenting schemes available in your area, such as Strengthening Families. Read some books about raising boys, effective parenting, and dealing with challenging behaviour. Please do not behave aggressively towards him ever again.

You need to sit him down and say something along the lines of. "What I did was wrong and I accept that. But also your behaviour has been unacceptable too. But that doesn't exuse my behaviour"
Talk about the way he's been behaving and how it's made you feel. Ask him about what you have done to upset him. (Apart from the obvious) take on board what he says and need to really work on your behaviour too. I doubt this is the 1st time you have behaved unreasonably. Then say "ok things are going to change. This is how it's going to be and these will be the consequences if you don't comply. No wiggle room no ifs or buts"
You're the boss remember that. Don't let your guilt over how you have behaved make you soft on him either. You have to stay strong. And it's going to be a long haul and a lot of hard work. After all it really is the hardest job in the world

Crumbs what a buzzard attitude. So it's fine to pull his hair as long as he isn't dragged by it? Where is the limit of what physical violence is and isn't fine? I seem to remember you have an adult DD? Let's put it in context - would it be fine for her husband to slap her if she was being really annoying as long as he didn't punch her? Or is a punch fine, and long as you don't draw blood? An act of violence is still an act of violence. It doesn't matter if the OP pulled his hair or dragged him by it, when she acted she meant to physically hurt him. It wasn't an act of physical control - the total opposite. It was an act of losing control. Please don't seek to minimise that - it doesn't help the OP at all, and is a permissive attitude towards domestic violence.

You don't pull a child's hair! What planet are you on!!!

To answer some of the things people have asked, I'm not going to go to school with any of this as we are new in the school and area and given the reaction I've had on here its not something I'm going to be discussing in a new community. I didn't drag him round the bedroom by his hair, I gave it a short tug (yes - I know its still awful and wrong). My DH does not (has never) hit me, I don't hit him. We do have occasional rows and shout at each other - which I'm assuming most normal couples do from time to time. We do shout at the DC occasionally. Oldest DS more recently. We have a happy marriage and are /were a geneally happy family most of the time (although I now realise I've been living in lala land as we should have social services investigating us as I'm a child abuser). We've moved house and area recently which has been stressful (as it is for everybody who does that). I have pulled oldest DS hair before in similar fashion (twice) in the last year. DH is more laid back than me but is also despairing of oldest DS lately.

Consider seeing your GP. They may be able to help with anger management and/or possible depression/mood swings.

You're already starting with the flippant "oh I'm a child abuser" shite.

If you abuse a child, you're a child abuser. You should be less worried about what the new community thinks of you and more worried about what you're doing to your son.

Try to behave in ways you will want your son to copy. So calm, not violent, please and thank you, etc. Notice the good stuff. Ask him to do things (when he's not tired and resistant) and thank him for doing them. Apologise for how you behaved and explain calmly how you feel about his behaviour. Take a deep breath and walk away from him if necessary. Refuse to engage in the drama can often defuse it.
He's 10, and 10 is nearer to man than baby, so get your DH to take the lead in parenting him, being his role model. His Dad saying (and showing) that 'men like us' do our share of chores and holding him to account will have more effect than you screaming at him. If your DH is a poor example what other role models are in his life? Try not to allow him to dictate in the mornings- make it clear that you will drag him to school in his pants rather than make his brother late. Start getting ready early and calmly and give time checks - we need to leave in 15 minutes, so you need to clean teeth and have shoes on. Ban morning TV until you can rely on him to leave promptly.
If you are all having a hard time acknowledge that with hugs and honesty. It is ok say to a 10 year old 'please don't give me a drama today, I can't deal with it because I'm sad about xx and worried about yy, and I know you are too. I need you to man up and co-operate today please so we can get through the day'. Make time to talk and listen, hugs, stories, good stuff. Good luck!

Have a Google about love bombing. Guardian link My kids are younger (oldest is 6) but it's worked where all else had failed, and we all needed a break from the constant telling offs. Good luck.

Your update is..... wow, ok. So you've done it before and really don't appreciate pp telling you it's disgusting and abusive. Your poor boy. Get immediate help for your attitude towards casual aggression at your kids. You won't, of course, because you don't accept responsibility for your actions. I hope he does tell his teacher!

Triple p parenting courses or similar are held everywhere. Get on one. Even if a lot of it doesn't suit you, you will be able to find some strategies to use to fit your family. You are lost for how to deal with pretty normal behaviour. You need to learn the skills to cope and manage and for everyone to be on the same page and have consistent consequences.
Screaming and violence is going to make life a lot worse, for all of you. Get help now. Do it.

We do have occasional rows and shout at each other - which I'm assuming most normal couples do from time to time

Not shouting. Never. Shouting means you're out of control. Do you and your DH shout at each other in front of the children?

Handy hints

• if you feel you can't be calm and in control of yourself, walk away. Choose not to shout or be physical. Instead have a cuppa or sit in the garden and cool down.

• pretend there are cameras in the house recording your every move. Resolve issues in a calm fair thoughtful constructive positive manner.

• use praise. Aknowkege all the things he does right. Thank him for doing little things. Appreciate and treasure him. Also hugs, pats.

• reward him. So good behaviour means his favourite meal or a trip to the cinema.

He's 10? Try talking to him. Is he happy? Is something going on at school that may be making him act up? Poor little mite needs calm understanding. Can't believe you pulled his hair

You say you have moved to a new area. Has ds been taken away from his friends?
New school?

I get that kids are infuriating but you can't ever hit them (or pull their hair). It's not the fact it might hurt them it the fact that you just can't do it! It's also really ineffective and Damaging long term. Your son is ten, what do you think is going to happen as he gets older? Do you think he is magically going to improve? Pulling his hair is going to make parenting him more difficult as he gets older. He won't respect you and he will think that it's ok or normal to lose your temper. If his own Mum can't control her temper then why should he? What's going to happen when he gets older, stronger and more hormonal? How will you control him then?
You need to never ever do it or anything similar ever again. It's tactically a massive parenting fail.

So - do other couples really not raise their voices in arguments with each other? Are we the only ones that do that sometimes? We don't scream abuse or swear at each other but we do have discussions that get heated sometimes. I'm talking every few weeks maybe - not a daily thing. God are we the only ones that do that?

You sound as though you feel like you're a controlling martyr and are full of resentful fury when your son doesn't behave as you'd like. You need to examine your thinking and actions with an appropriate professional, and your son needs to be safe from physical attack in his own home.

What will you do when he punches you in retaliation or self defence?

He wanted to move schools as was having some problems at last one. He loves the new school, has settled in well (according to his teachers) and made some lovely new friends.