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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to shout/scream at DS(10) that he's a "spoilt, horrible brat" twice in last 24 hours

189 replies

Tablelegtiger · 24/04/2017 20:51

Ok, I know IABU. Its not good parenting and a horrible thing to do and i now feel really awful but just don't know what to do with him. I pulled his hair in anger and frustration yesterday. What do you do when you love a DC very much but you are starting to hate the way they behave? His behaviour is making me feel v angry of late (and DH), too much to go through here but just being a horrible kid really. Lying, being really ungrateful for everything we do for him, being sarcastic and cheeky, doing sweet FA to contribute to household helping etc. I was expecting some of this at 17 but not 10. We've tried rewards for good behaviour, incentives etc. Its really making me feel down and a shit parent and I can't bear the thought that this is the start of a downhill relationship with him and the lovely little boy we had is slipping away. We have another younger DC who is witnessing this too and often suffers consequences (eg being made late for school due to morning 'episodes' with his brother).

OP posts:

TheWitTank · 24/04/2017 21:06

Sorry op, but you know its pretty shocking -nobody was going to come on and say poor you or well done. That's not saying any of us are perfect or have perfect kids (far from it) or that we are all judgemental arseholes. It's really a horrible thing to do and a complete loss of control. I think you need some help from a parenting course? Could you find details online in your area? Good luck.

MadMags · 24/04/2017 21:06

Its really making me feel down and a shit parent

Well if the shoe fits.

And don't come on with the sneery "perfect parents" shite. You don't need to be perfect not to abuse your child.

You should move out if he's not safe around you, see someone about your anger and if you can't, wait for SS to come knocking. Which they should.

GinIsIn · 24/04/2017 21:06

Well fix your behaviour and his will follow. If you KNOW it's awful behaviour, what are you doing about it? Have you apologised to your DS?

TheRealPooTroll · 24/04/2017 21:07

What you describe in your son is normal boundary pushing at that age. Calmly set limits on his behaviour (and stick to them) and he will grow out of it. I don't want to join in a pile on but you need to address your anger. You have assaulted your child and you need to get some help to make sure that never happens again.

cakebaby · 24/04/2017 21:07

OP it sounds really tough but you are assaulting your 10 year old child. He's pushing your buttons and you feel awful now but how are you going to handle things differently next time? You are the adult here.

Decide to do things differently, anything but assault him. You are crossing a line neither of you will forget, but you know that don't you?

How are you going to handle it when he tells someone and a safeguarding referral is submitted? Have you got any access to other support? Please take positive steps to address both of your behaviours. Can you ask school for support or strategies or access some parenting classes?

KurriKurri · 24/04/2017 21:08

I'm sorry - you are clearly having a very tough time, and I don't want to pile in with criticism. But you know this has to stop - you cannot shout insults at him and pull his hair - he is getting a clear message about your feelings for him and that will be making his behaviour worse.
It takes many many 'well done, I'm proud of yous' to make up for a display of dislike and ill treatment (hair pulling is ill treatment)

So you need to tell him you were wrong to do the things you did and you need to totally commit to getting help with your parenting, that's the way forward. That's the way to help your little boy, he may have some behavioural problems (no one can DX over the internet) but if he has he needs help with them, and you need help in managing them, what you are doing will be making them far worse.

He needs to know he is loved and he is precious, and he needs to know it by your actions and your commitment to do your very best for him, by seeking help.

KindleBueno · 24/04/2017 21:09

Because my ma pulled me round the hair at the age over shite and twenty years later I still remember it. I hate her even more now I'm an adult because I realise just how abusive it was.

Maybe being told how disgusting your behaviour is will open your eyes and you'll catch yourself on in time.

Ffs did you expect everyone to say "there, there we all do it?".

SoloDance · 24/04/2017 21:09

You need to try and reconnect with him It sounds like you are so down on him everything is a battle.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 24/04/2017 21:12

Because my ma pulled me round the hair at the age over shite and twenty years later I still remember it. I hate her even more now I'm an adult because I realise just how abusive it was

^^this.
Same with my dad.

notgivingin789 · 24/04/2017 21:13

...my best advice is to ask for this thread to be moved into Parenting. In AIBU, you will just get more shit thrown at you, not the support and advice you obviously need.

This ^^

QuiteLikely5 · 24/04/2017 21:13

Behaviour is a form of communication.

Your son is reacting to his environment.

He does not deserve your reaction.

Stop taking his behaviour so personally.

He's only a child.

Lead by example.

Apologise to him. Tell him your behaviour was wrong.

BrightonBelleCat · 24/04/2017 21:13

OP I haven't pulled my child's hair but I have been 'that' shouty parent and I've pushed my dc before.

I contacted social services and asked for their help as the behaviour from me and the children was getting out of hand. We were stuck in a vicious cycle of shouting etc

We had a CAF carried out and I did get
Some help from various agencies. It was just me and 3 dc and I always felt it was them versus me.

Things are ALOT calmer now.

What support do you get at home?

m0therofdragons · 24/04/2017 21:14

Is he in year 6? My friend's ds is behaving similarly - so cocky and arrogant. He's saying really hurtful things and I could actually understand if she told me she'd pulled his hair. It's not okay to do that but I wouldn't judge her for it as her ds is being a whole nother kind of horrible to her and towers over her so she can't pick him up when he refuses to get in the car. I think it's being oldest in the school and he'll settle a bit once at secondary.

Op, can you try sitting and talking to ds? Not when he's being rude but find a time to take him to a cafe and talk to him in a more adult way. Tell him how he's making you feel?

StandardNameHere · 24/04/2017 21:15

If you know it's wrong and are still doing it then I suggest anger management of some sort

Believeitornot · 24/04/2017 21:18

You need to acknowledge that you are partially responsible for his behaviour. You really do.

You need to feel that sense of deep shame in your bones to realise that you need to change. Deep down.

I suggest you apologise to your ds if you haven't already. Do not qualify the apology "I did it because you did x". You just apologise.

Read some decent parenting books. calm parents happy kids is a good start. Perhaps try the audiobook as there is no escape from the words.
Also have the thread moved!

CosmoKlit · 24/04/2017 21:18

Self refer to parenting and behaviour classes. Get a referral for anger management. Seek counselling now.

Consistent discipline with your son and model good behaviour.

From the Woman that was the Kid that had her hair pulled in drunken anger regularly by a fucking diabolical mother (no, I am still not over it)

Crapuccino · 24/04/2017 21:18

Sorry, OP, but children often mirror the behaviour they are exposed to. If he's being horrible, the first (and admittedly, the hardest) thing you need to do is step back and look at your own behaviour.

Does he fly off the handle at tiny things? Do you?
Is he rude and aggressive? Are you?
Is he lashing out? Are you?
Is he lying? Do you?

Think of how you interact with him and then imagine how you'd deal with anyone else - a friend, employee, stranger, a friend's child of the same age - who had also annoyed you, and see how widely different your responses would be. Only once you've done through the checklist of making sure you're setting the right example can you then move onto other possibilities.

This isn't behaviour learned in a day, so it won't be amenable to changing in a day either. You need to start out be demonstrating the very behaviour you want him to display. You want him to get on with things even though they annoy him? Do the same. You want him to be polite even though he's fed up? Do the same. You want him to express his feelings in a healthy and appropriate manner? Do the same. Etc..

Original poster

Tablelegtiger · 24/04/2017 21:20

I did tell him I was sorry (very heartfeltly) shortly afterwards (I was crying) and that i shouldn't have done that, its wrong to hurt people etc etc. I do tell him I love him, cuddle him, do loads of loving, motherly things for him every single day. I have (willingly) made a lot of sacrifices for my DC. We have lots of fun and I spend lots of time chatting with him etc. I'm not a crazed, screaming, abusive mother. Our approach to DC has from the start been that we wouldn't hit them (and we don't, its not a regular thing!). And yes, Kidndlebueno, i didn't expect everybody to chime in 'oh yes I do that too' but I did think there might be other parents out there who have been in this situation.

OP posts:

Flopjustwantscoffee · 24/04/2017 21:22

Parenting classes ASAP. Also think about ways to stop the anger exploding. So, if you come in and see his shoes on the floor and feel anger but say "darling your shoes are on the floor do you want to move them" and he ignores you/talks back and you then explode... maybe replace that by coming in and saying "shoes" or saying "I am very angry please move your shoes" for example. It's less harmful to SAY your angry rather than show your angry physically.

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2017 21:24

I think people have responded so strongly because tbh in the OP you rushed through 'I feel awful BUT..' into how terrible your DS1 was being. Don't gloss over it. There's good advice here. It must be unsettling for your
DS2 as well to see your actions as well as his brother's.

usernumbernine · 24/04/2017 21:25

Is there external stress outside of dc in your life?

KindleBueno · 24/04/2017 21:25

But you are abusive

You scream at him. And pull his hair. That is abusive.

The truth hurts.

Crapuccino · 24/04/2017 21:25

OP, I imagine you posted because you want help, and I'm not sure AIBU can give you what you need. I heartily second the advice above, though, where people have suggested counselling and even parenting classes. Madness is carrying on doing the same things and hoping for different results, but to break out of the cycles, you're going to need some outside information from a neutral source that gives you ideas in a non-critical format to start trying out.

I wish you the very best, OP. God knows, kids are designed to push every last button, including the big red nuke button. Take the help that's out there. Better that than spiraling ever downwards.

Funnyfarmer · 24/04/2017 21:26

If he's a spoiled brat? Who spoiled him?. For me it sounds like a lot of damage needs undoing. Take a step back and look where you have gone wrong.
Maybe you can both volunteer for some charity work for people less fortunate might open his eyes to just how spoiled he is. And it could help to rebuild a relationship between you both. Don't let him push you away. He needs you.
Make sure that you and anyone else who's responsible for his upbringing are on the same page in terms of discipline. You need set clear boundaries and rules and let him know what the consequences are before he breaks them. And stick to them 100%
If any consolation I found the tween years very hard. Now dd is 16 and we have a fantastic relationship.

SabineUndine · 24/04/2017 21:28

Has something happened recently to upset the happy balance, for him and you? Just wondering if the way you are feeling and the way he's behaving might have the same cause?

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