to shout/scream at DS(10) that he's a "spoilt, horrible brat" twice in last 24 hours

[Tablelegtiger]

Ok, I know IABU. Its not good parenting and a horrible thing to do and i now feel really awful but just don't know what to do with him. I pulled his hair in anger and frustration yesterday. What do you do when you love a DC very much but you are starting to hate the way they behave? His behaviour is making me feel v angry of late (and DH), too much to go through here but just being a horrible kid really. Lying, being really ungrateful for everything we do for him, being sarcastic and cheeky, doing sweet FA to contribute to household helping etc. I was expecting some of this at 17 but not 10. We've tried rewards for good behaviour, incentives etc. Its really making me feel down and a shit parent and I can't bear the thought that this is the start of a downhill relationship with him and the lovely little boy we had is slipping away. We have another younger DC who is witnessing this too and often suffers consequences (eg being made late for school due to morning 'episodes' with his brother).

You're being judged harshly here, but really your behaviour is pretty bad. I grew up walking on eggshells around my DF who had anger issues. This has definitely affected the way I see myself. I'm really scared of confrontation, for example. (I also have a quick temper and used to think it was normal to have the kind of screaming arguments you describe, before meeting DH, who has never raised his voice in his life.)

On a positive note, however, my DF and I now have a very good relationship. What I admire most about him is his capacity for change. He can control his temper these days. You can learn to do this too.

Someone recommended this book to me and I found it really helpful. My dd is only a toddler but it is useful for kids of all ages including teens. I don't know if it's stocked in libraries but I think it's worth checking out. The author has a good blog too if you Google her and the book title you should find the blog easily.

Of course you know the hair pulling was very wrong and should not have happened. We all lose our tempers sometimes but that isn't an excuse for violence. But it has happened now so all you can do is make sure it does not happen again. The way you describe yelling at him does not sound at all healthy to me either. I grew up in a bit of an abusive household and there was a lot of yelling /ranting there. It really isn't nice. Especially for a young child. If you think you have a problem with controlling your temper I urge you to speak to a counsellor or see your gp. I don't know if you have any support at home or have any other problems outside of this (sorry I haven't read the full thread), but something clearly needs to change.

OP I had a particularly bad phase with my son a couple of years ago (he is now 10) One of the main issues was that when he was told off for bad behaviour, he would argue with me, saying the same thing over and over again. Usually along the lines of 'I don't want the TV banned for 2 days', or just 'mummy, mummy, mummy!' I felt like I was going mad. To make matters worse he would do it all evening and then sometimes start it back up again in the mornings before school. One day, I totally lost it with him and really screamed in his face. I think the stress of it brought on a nose bleed. The whole incident really freaked me out. It made me realise, how awful and damaging my reaction had been. Though nose bleeds aren't painful, it highlighted the stress he was feeling, even though I was always under the impression he didn't care how angry/upset I got. Afterwards we chatted for a long time about how we both must learn how to deal with his bad behaviour in a calmer, more productive way. We agreed to have cooling off periods, waiting until later to discuss why his behaviour had been bad, punishments, etc. It was far more effective than trying to sort it out in the heat of the moment. The truth is when they are in this bad phase, you are angry with them, they know this and play up to it. Try and break the cycle. Find something that they've done well and tell them. Eventually they will have a positive image that they want to live up to. It's not easy and it takes time but far better than losing your rag with them. My son is an angel now not

Think you've heard just about everything your going to now. Post will just start looping. It's all up to you now op. You need to take a stand and get this under control and it starts now. If it goes on any longer you will pass the point of no return.
In our house we have a thinking step. It's not just used for being naughty but a bit of time out when you need it. I probably use it more than the kids. If I'm on the step the kids know not to disturb me while I'm on there. They know I need a little time and respect that. I also use it to separate the kids when there bickering. When I see one is about to loose their temper I ask them to go and sit on it. Regardless of who started it or who's in the wrong. Most of the time they do it without being asked. Because it's never been a naughty step they dont see it as a punishment especially because I use it a lot. And not just when the kids are annoying me. But when I just feel I need a bit of thinking space.
I read a parent on here not long ago gave her a dd a diary to write down her anger in. She told her it will never be read so she can write whatever she wants without repacusion. She said it helped her dd's anger.

Right, you need help, massively, as how the hell do you expect your child to be better behaved when you pull your childs hair?? No no no!
This could (could!) be the start of puberty, (my hormones started running riot aged 9!!!) where their hormones go into crap attack and they become sad, hurt, angry, scared... ohhh so many different feelings crammed into one small kid, and its bound to cause problems, this is where YOU have to be the adult, sit, talk, listen, and if he doesn't want to talk, make sure he knows you are there always if he changes his mind.
Not only that, but DO pick your battles! Someone said this to me once with my four kids, and it changed how I looked at everything. I would start fights over cups being left upstairs, and it was doing nothing but stressing everyone out....
It does sound like you need to speak to someone though, as you are your child's safety net, usually, they act the worst with the people they love the most, because they feel safe letting rip with them. This doesn't help you of course if you are stressed, but pulling his hair is telling him "Hey, when you're messed up and feeling shite and angry, you hurt people!"
Not the greatest message to convey, I'm sure, and I hope that you're feeling guilty as hell for hurting your baby, you are the Lioness, meant to protect your cub, not inflict pain, it gets you no-where!

I hope you can sort this out. xxxxx

Your son's behaviour is not the problem, so you're asking the wrong question. You need help in changing your negative attitude towards him (and so, by the sound of it, does your DH). Your attitude and te way you are reacting to him IS the problem. As PP have said, a parenting course might be helpful.

You were brave and desperate to post this. You've had some good advice. Your son must be very unhappy and confused. Are some aspects of the new school bothering him? SATs stress most Y6 pupils - no one tells them that it's the school which is on trial, not them.
If you make some firm decisions to reduce the stress at home and give DS definite routines for helping around the house it will be a start.

OP, I just wanted to say, don't despair. It seems to me very clear how much you love your boy. You've lost your temper, and that's regrettable, but it doesn't wipe out all the good that you've done. I have smaller children, and I have been so tired and frustrated on occasion that I have, wrongly, shouted at them, and been horrible to them, and basically done everything wrong. I know this is not helpful to them but it happened, because I am human. All we can do when this happens is try our best to find ways to ensure that we don't keep repeating our behaviour, as you are doing. Your boys know you love them.

Just as an aside, my Dhs mum, a young widow with 5 kids, regularly lost the plot with her kids, because she was so stressed, to the point where she would physically go for them. She also did everything she could to provide for them. As adults, they are tight knit and regularly tease her about her losing her temper when they were young. No long term damage. Its hard to keep perspective sometimes. We are not perfect. Our kids will recover from our mistakes. Once they know they are loved.

@Tablelegtiger

There's already been a few good books mentioned ('Divas and Doorslammers' and 'How to Talk so kids will listen')

Here is a link to a good free resource that you can access straight away from the NSPCC about Positive Parenting

www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/research-and-resources/2016/positive-parenting/

"Balancing the various demands parents have to cope with isn't easy and all parents can come under pressure or stress from time to time.

"This guide shares practical advice and tips for positive parenting techniques that work well for children - from babies to teenagers. These techniques encourage better behaviour and help parents find out what works for them and their child."

Good luck, recognising something needs to change is a good start

It might not be the case but the manner in which you are posting makes it seem like you think pulling your childs hair a few times isn't great but not that big a deal.
You also seem more concerned about being judged than doing what is best for your child. The abuse of your son has gotten physical a few times now. He is going to tell someone about it - a teacher or a friend who will tell their parents. You have made mistakes but you can do the right, responsible thing now and seek help for your anger or you can continue to let your son down and wait until he tells someone who will act to keep him safe.

Can I just recommend OP that you start taking Vitamin B complex, as well as following the other advice you have been given. When my dd was growing up, us mothers used to say that they were still alive thanks to this remedy. It is really good for helping your not to lose your temper.

Op I have at times been so at the end of my tether with my two girls that I've felt very much like pulling their hair. That's the honest truth.
I didn't do it but I was pretty close.I understand how you can get to the place you were at, (without being a vile child abuser-I don't think that's what you are).

I think you love your son very much and far from being an abusive parent you are a caring one because you've recognised that the family dynamic, including your part in it, is not working.

The only advice I can offer is that when my girls are kicking off now-and at nearly 10 and 11 I can tell you that it's not always a laugh a minute in my House that's for sure-I go into work mode and start treating them as I would a difficult staff member. Firmly but politely-and as if a strict HR person were watching me. Sounds weird but it's really helped me.
I also choose my battles (that old chestnut)-but it's true-you have to Let some stuff go if you can.

I haven't read the full thread but, I can't believe you pulled his hair. Well, I can as my mum did it, quite a few times. Will never forget it and she denies it ever happened. Please don't do it again, ever.

That's not in anyway helpful is it dontpullthattubeout ?

Wow. i often question my parenting and beat myself up about my failings. then i read a post like this and i feel like parent of the year.

Maybe not, but if she has done it a few times already then it will be easy to do again. I think it can be helpful hearing how it can affect a child and that they may never forget it, it might make her think twice before doing it again. I'm sorry but I've shouted and screamed at my two (very stressful situations e.g, pulling her tube out and I can't get it down in time for heart meds) but I've never thought to pull their hair, it would never cross my mind to do such a thing.

Good for you. Not sure why you thought asking her to "please don't do it again ever" was worth while though because I'm sure that what she needs. A load of patronising strangers telling her not to do it again.

AIBU is very simplistic at times

She has done it again after the first time so why is me asking her to please not do it again bad? I don't et t? All I'm trying to do is ask that she doesn't do it again because her son may not forget it and it's quite a shocking thing for a parent to do. Are you justifying her actions? Should people who have clearly done wrong never be told not to do it again or just left to carry on? I'm not sure I understand what point you are trying to make.

OP, I'd say you both need some help.

For a start, do not put a hand on him. How would you feel if your husband pulled your hair because you were arguing?

When he starts kicking off take yourself away and deal with it when you calm down. Assaulting him will make his behaviour ten times worse.

Is his behaviour new? Are your reactions new? If so I think they both go hand in hand. He has learnt this behaviour and will unsurprisingly be on the defence 24/7. He is frustrated and upset and angry at how you are treating him but he is a child and his way of showing it is by acting out.

You are fuelling his pain with your anger. You need to address how to respond to his outbursts, once you have gotten hold of your temper then you can begin to get to the root of his behaviour.

It's not bad dontpullthattubeout it's just pointless. She's on here asking for help and you just tell her not to do it again. How is that help?

Mind you your post was nowhere near as bad as farawayfromhomes

I suppose it helps by seeing it from her sons point of view. I don't understand how me asking her to stop is pointless. Sometimes hearing it from someone in the outside is what it takes. I just find it shocking that someone can pull their child's hair in anger more than once.

But I understand your point and will drop the issue.

And I agree that post even seems harsh to me, we all have our bad times some worse than others.

If it was that easy to stop she obviously would've just done it.

I lose my temper and shout. I have no idea how to stop. How would it help if you just told me to?!