to shout/scream at DS(10) that he's a "spoilt, horrible brat" twice in last 24 hours

[Tablelegtiger]

Ok, I know IABU. Its not good parenting and a horrible thing to do and i now feel really awful but just don't know what to do with him. I pulled his hair in anger and frustration yesterday. What do you do when you love a DC very much but you are starting to hate the way they behave? His behaviour is making me feel v angry of late (and DH), too much to go through here but just being a horrible kid really. Lying, being really ungrateful for everything we do for him, being sarcastic and cheeky, doing sweet FA to contribute to household helping etc. I was expecting some of this at 17 but not 10. We've tried rewards for good behaviour, incentives etc. Its really making me feel down and a shit parent and I can't bear the thought that this is the start of a downhill relationship with him and the lovely little boy we had is slipping away. We have another younger DC who is witnessing this too and often suffers consequences (eg being made late for school due to morning 'episodes' with his brother).

That's a fair point, I also struggle not to shout and agree it would be hard to just stop because I was asked to.

Stop physically and emotionally abusing your son. HTH

Yeah, read the thread. It doesn't.

Instasista did you miss the OP's subsequent posts where she said that this was far from the first time that the hair pulling had happened? i can't believe that anyone would try to defend this.

if this was a woman saying "my husband abuses me by shouting and pulling my hair" i doubt there would be much support for the husband, even if he was asking for help on how to stop.

I've had lots of useful advice and signposting to resources on here which I will be using so I won't bother moving the post as I just want to get on with things now (ie seeking support and changing things). Thank you to everybody who has shared helpful thoughts and even the horrible posts as reading them has been a wake up call to lots of things in our family and my own background and family which I didn't even realise was 'abnormal'. Its been a night of soul searching and being very upset reading the reactions on here and apart from the smug comments (self acclaimed 'parent of the year' compared to me - good to know my distress enabled you to feel and share that insight) - most have been useful. Over and out.

I've not read all the replies. I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated and brave to admit you didn't handle the situation well.
How about trying a "love bomb" day with him (there's a whole book about it but essentially give the child total control of a day, needs to be just you and him so would need to find someone to look after other child if possible) then at the end of the day do an expression activity depending on your child get them to
draw/write/talk about how they feel listing all the really good things about your family, you would also list all the good things about your child. Then do an even better if. A sort of "look at all these amazing things - how could we get even better". I would probably try and avoid giving any of your ideas the first time you do this but just take on board your child's feedback.
Also maybe some work around emotion. Role model it. "Ok I'm feeling angry now so I need to go and do some breathing on my own for a few minutes". This also stops you labeling your child as in "you're a naughty boy" instead of "that action was a bad decision". It gives you space to choose language that will help to mould more positive behaviour.

Maybe ask try the reflect back and question rather than telling him he's ungrateful. Maybe when he says something like "I hate you" try "I see you feel very angry, are you able to explain it a bit more". I've worked with lots of young people with challenging behaviour and find that giving yourself a breath before you reapons work, not labeling but asking the question and then start with some positive communication strategies. Don't feel so so bad though, you've recognised that in the moment you made a poor choice and that is a great insight and start of a better relationship with him.

I'm not defending anything far. I'm saying telling her to stop is pointless. So is telling her off. If you have real help then feel free to
Offer it.

My dc does little round the house too, I agree it all sounds pretty normal, but they all go through phases I often find, mine get really difficult before they seem to come on and become more grown up, I have noticed this since they were little. Hang in there op, he may turn back into lovely little boy again, forget house stuff for the time being and work on your relationship first. When thats back on even keel, work on house stuff gently again.

rachmack - thank you

Hello OP, I've not had time to read through the entire thread but if you are looking for support then there is a good course called NVR (Non Violent Resistance). It's a great course for families who are struggling to the extent you are. It helps you identify and deal with key issues as a family.

Well worth looking up to see if it runs in your area.

Shit OP.

You are brave. Honestly I take my hat off to you.

Sometimes, older kids and teenagers can really push your buttons, and think they can get away with treating parents like total rubbish and you are supposed to take this with a smile on your face

OOOps pressed send too soon

When I was a kid, being given 'the belt' was normal. I hated my parents as a child though

I'm glad that my post hasn't upset you or done no good like I was told it was. Hopefully you find a balance soon and can be a bit more stress free, maybe even try talking to him and see how he feels and maybe he can understand too the he also has to change. It could be a bonding moment.

Thank you for sharing this OP, I think you're very brave.

FWIW a lot of your post resonates with me, I have a combatant DD8 who has being referred to CDC for a possible ASD or ADHD dx (so much overlap in the 2 we don't really know yet).

My temper boils. I feel the negativity towards her oozing from me sometimes and I hate myself for it. She really tries my patience, not a day goes by without a meltdown and screeching and tears. It's really really hard. A lot of the behaviours you described too.

What DH and I are hoping to gain from the dx is some help with our parenting, because we are the ones that have to adapt at the moment. Our little toddler DS is such a breeze compared to her, I know we are capable of great parenting deep down!

Good luck in moving forwards

Tablelegtiger I too have been that horrible mum particularly with my eldest son. The guilt for years was horrendous but (and yes I know it wasn't his fault) he pushed all my buttons and because I am human and not a robot, or a perfect mummy, yes I exploded and said some hateful and horrible things to him. BUT every time, within a few minutes, I was hugging him and kissing him and apologising and trying to explain why it had happened. He was pushing boundaries as kids do and growing up - again as kids do. And he had never been a son before and I had never been a mum before so we were both learning!

Now he is nearly 21 and a fantastic and amazing young man who I'm so proud of - still drives me round the twist with his lack of drive (!) but our relationship hasn't suffered, we are both OK, he never turned to drink or drugs or needed counselling or went 'wild'!!

Yes it is wrong to shout at children (or anyone) but we are human beings and therefore not perfect. What matters (in my opinion) is your actions afterwards.

All my 3 children are amazing young adults now and I feel incredibly lucky and very proud of them all.

Your issues run deeper than I first thought. You said that you feel horrible about the hair pulling but have said that you have done it on at least 3 occasions.
I don't think you understand just how much something like this affects children. Put together with the shouting at your son, I think he probably feels quite rubbish about himself.
Mental abuse (and yes, it is abuse) from your parents is quite hard to recover from. I was only 3-years older than your son when my physical and mental abuse stopped. I still struggle with my self worth 15yrs on

Kudos to your response OP. Good luck

You're a child abuser.

I speak as someone who's mother liked to pull my hair and scream abuse in my face. That's how it started, and because of the mental gymnastics she did to square it away - just like you are now - it soon escalated. Your are minimising and it chills me to the bone.

Reading your posts has made me feel physically ill.

I cut my mother off the day I turned 16, packed a bag and left. Despite a lot of psychiatric intervention the damage she caused me runs so deep I don't think it will ever be fixed. Every aspect of my life is affected by this despite my efforts.

You're an absolute horror of a human being.

I hope your son reports you.

I hope SS come down on you like a ton of fucking bricks because it's no less than what you deserve.

It's not about you Mombie2016. You describe awful abuse from
Your mother which bears very little
Relation to what the OP has described. She's asking for help.

OP isnt giving us the truth. It's already gone from "once" to "at least three times"

Abusers are all the same
It's always someone else's fault
They always blame the child
They always minimise
They always lie

So much of what OP says is EXACTLY the sort of bollocks my mother used to trot out.

Agree with Mombie

Mombie, I'm sorry for your experience, but this person has at least taken the trouble to come here and ask for help as she recognises that she is doing wrong.

Get this book
It's about how and why YOU react to children's behaviour and how to change it.
It makes you think about what it is within you that makes you hate/react to this behaviour