to shout/scream at DS(10) that he's a "spoilt, horrible brat" twice in last 24 hours

[Tablelegtiger]

Ok, I know IABU. Its not good parenting and a horrible thing to do and i now feel really awful but just don't know what to do with him. I pulled his hair in anger and frustration yesterday. What do you do when you love a DC very much but you are starting to hate the way they behave? His behaviour is making me feel v angry of late (and DH), too much to go through here but just being a horrible kid really. Lying, being really ungrateful for everything we do for him, being sarcastic and cheeky, doing sweet FA to contribute to household helping etc. I was expecting some of this at 17 but not 10. We've tried rewards for good behaviour, incentives etc. Its really making me feel down and a shit parent and I can't bear the thought that this is the start of a downhill relationship with him and the lovely little boy we had is slipping away. We have another younger DC who is witnessing this too and often suffers consequences (eg being made late for school due to morning 'episodes' with his brother).

OP is this your first post?

You need to just walk away when you feel the anger building. Walk away, breathe, remind yourself that he's a kid and that it's fairly normal to push boundaries, and when you're calm go back and deal with the bad behaviour in an appropriate way. You're supposed to be the adult here, you need to start exercising some self control.

If you continue to react like this you're going to seriously damage your son emotionally.

You originally said 'shouting'. Sometimes me & DH have slightly raised exasperated voices, but nothing more than that, and especially not in front of 9 yo DD as I know how damaging it can be to children's sense of safety and self esteem.

Oh I'm sorry but bloody bollix with the passive posters saying 'post on the parenting board' and slating those who are rightly so disgusted at pulling a child's hair and screaming abuse at them

It's disgusting behaviour, child abuse and sickens me that people would pander to this. I really hope you realise what an abusive parent you are OP, and hope you're reported.

There is NEVER any excuse, no matter how bloody 'stressed' you are!

Reading your further update.. I am really struggling to understand. I cannot imagine pulling my DSs hair . Hair pulling is something I imagine a mean girl at primary school do.

The fact you have done it several times is even more alarming. The fact you have not felt so awful and vowed never to do it again does mean you are very out of control and really do need help.

Moving house is stressful , but assume moving to a new school, new community is something tough on your DS. He needs more support not hair pulling and shouting.

Stop bloody well pulling your kids hair! You're only doing it to your children because they're too small to fight back. One day hopefully they'll turn around and do it to you. You are abusing your children and therefore you're a child abuser. You don't do it to your husband, why is that eh?

No, I never shout at my partner, ever. We get upset, we argue, but we never ever shout, never insult each other, never name call.

OP I appreciate that hearing this is difficult for you. But what you are describing is not within normal boundaries. This isn't the way in which most families/parents behave. Hair-pulling is an extreme and nasty thing to do, which is why this behaviour is getting the response which it is. When you add in the wider context which you describe, the overall picture is worrying. You obviously see that, as you've asked for help and advice.

Ask yourself: are you somebody who is prepared to put the welfare of your child first? If the answer is yes, then please, please seek some outside input. If you were able to fix this situation yourself, you wouldn't have let it get to this stage. Even if you think that despite the evidence and advice to the contrary you can fix this alone, you owe it to your DC not to take the risk.

Yes this is my first (and last) post.

Why pull his hair though? You're clearly not remorseful if you've done it at least twice.

It's so painful.

Why can you not control your temper?

OP, I'm not going to bash you, you clearly know you were in the wrong, and short of turning back time, you can't undo it, so screeching about how awful you are is essentially pointless.

My oldest child was a nightmare to live with for a while, on the outside it didn't seem like much but the constant stream of lies and arguements and rudeness and just horribleness was soul destroying and I did once or twice yell at her so loud my throat hurt and once slapped her backside. and I've never smacked before. I felt awful and I knew something had to change. I spent time figuring out why she bothered me so much and why I was so angry.
You have to remember that you can't change his behaviour, only your own. I learned to bite my tongue more, not get into arguments with her, lay clear boundaries and just not get into the 'but....' with her. and it did work. or she grew out of being an arsehole. or both.

good luck.

Some brilliant advice from Cauliflower and Marzipants. Trying to change your mindset to positive might really help - praise all the good stuff however small, rather than telling him off for everything he does wrong. It may seem counterintuitive to 'reward' him when he is being to badly behaved, but can you find time to have a few treats together (ie trip to the cinema, meal out).

I do think many of the replies on here have been alarmist and judgemental. Good luck and I hope you find a way to move forward positively.

Tablelegtiger: I'm not going to go to school with any of this as we are new in the school and area and given the reaction I've had on here its not something I'm going to be discussing in a new community.

This is exactly why AIBU isn't helpful in a situation like this - the collective shamefest typically results in people slamming doors and deciding to hide their prblems for fear of meeting more of the same reaction in the future. OP, you really need to get outside help in to figure out a way forward, and not from an online forum. By seeking that help, you won't be telling "a community". You will be discussing it with a relevant teacher, a GP, a counselor, a therapist - all people who can and will be bound by confidentiality agreements.

although I now realise I've been living in lala land as we should have social services investigating us as I'm a child abuser

This flippant shirking-it-off isn't going to help you. Step back. Deep breath. You know it isn't going right. It isn't nice to be told the very same thing from outside. Try to take the good from this thread and get the help you very much need.

You seem quite blasé about the fact that this has happened before. I think you've probably posted this because you want to change. You've been given some good advice and of course, you will get judgements. Your son sounds very, very normal and not particularly badly behaved. I wonder if he senses that you get stressed with this and plays up on it.

OP, it's really hard I know. Lots of people on here are perfect, others are quite rightly just looking out so that children stay safe. We all lose it sometimes - can you chat to someone who doesn't judge in real life? PM someone on here? You need to offload and step back. Happy for you to pm me and vent. I have 4 dcs, all older now, but it's not easy x

We don't shout at each other either. We maybe snap at each other a bit if we're particularly stressed out but we don't shout and argue.

Hi! It sounds like a situation has developed where you have really lost control, being a parent is incredibly stressful at times BUT you owe it to everybody in your family to work towards sorting it out.
Getting upset and angry, shouting insults and hurting your child then getting mad at yourself won't put the situation right and it won't change his behaviour..... But I think you know that really.
Here's what I'd recommend:
Is there somewhere he can go for a couple of days (grandparents? Friends?) some breathing space would be good for you all.
Talk to school and your GP about anger management for you, counselling for you all, maybe some form of family therapy, then sign up for a really good parenting course.
When you are all calmer talk to your ds, apologise for your behaviour and ask him if he wants to talk to you about anything.
You won't be perfect overnight but start a system of clear rules, rewards and consequences in the house for all of you. Make it clear to your ds that you are not expecting him to do all the work, you are going to make changes together as a family.
Could be a bit of a slog but you'll get there, good luck!

Op I see you aren't responding well to being told your behaviour is abusive. However it's worrying to me that in spite of being really upset about your behaviour you won't seek help because you don't want people to think that you are abusive! Are you more worried about how people view you or about abusing your son? I don't want to pile in but you really need to see that this isn't about managing your behaviour, it's about managing your own and I don't think that's something you can do without outside help. Incidentally, if you read the relationships board, you will see that in abusive relationships, incidents of verbal and physical abuse are interspersed with loving and fun times and physical attacks are followed by tears and heartfelt apologies. It's not all terrible, that's the cycle of abuse

I am going to seek help, just not via our new school. Thank you for all the very wise words and helpful advice. To the person who thinks I'm blase' about any of this - you couldn't be more wrong.

I do think many of the replies on here have been alarmist and judgemental. Good luck and I hope you find a way to move forward positively.

Alarmist? She's admitted she's physically abused her child as well as emotionally with her horrible brat comments.

Damn right I'm alarmed - and damn right it's folks who down play this disgusting parenting that means so many children are denied a good upbringing. There is no excuse!

If I'm wrong, I apologise. I did say you "seem" this way. It is how you're coming across. I'm glad you are going to seek real life help. Online help is great but this sounds like you'd benefit from that face-to-face contact.

Good on you Tiger - the more calm, gentle and kind your home is generally the better, good luck x

Of course normal couples and argue and shout. It's extremely unusual to never lose control.

I agree with crumbs1. This is a horrible thread and no wonder people run away and hide with problems rather than seek help. I wouldn't in a million years book onto a parenting course or tell a medical or childcare professional I had pulled my child hair in the context of getting help due to the attitudes displayed here.

Also- done amazing advice but also a lot of really, really shit advice. Take it with a pinch of salt OP. Tomorrow is a new day and you will feel better. Deep breaths

I think you need parenting classes and some sort of therapy for your self control and boundary issues.

It is not ok and definitely not normal, rational behaviour to pull a child's hair. It is child abuse and loss of control.

Parenting classes will help massively with how to set clear boundaries and help to model kind and reasonable behaviour from both you and your DS.

I think therapy for yourself will help with the anger issues and you should be able to work through what is acceptable behaviour when interacting with others and the root cause of why you are using unacceptable behaviour at the moment.

We cannot say why you son acts a certain way but I imagine at least some of it is down to how you discipline him and how he sees you behaving towards him in an unfair and controlling, almost bullying way and is lashing out because of it with his poor behaviour.

Get yourself and your family into therapy pronto.

I hope things get better for you all.

Tabletiger - You asked aibu and in the circumstances you describe, yes you were.

But I do think you posted for help, rather than others opinion to whether you were being U, you seem to have already accepted you are.
Go and speak with your GP, get yourself back on an even keel and then look at how you can deal with DS behavior. You can't effectively deal with a child who is acting that way from the state of mind you seem to be in.