To think being gentle and having delicate mannerisms doesn't make you emotionally weak

[user1493041907]

I am very elegant and have very delicate mannerisms. I'm warm and friendly but don't come across as 'powerful' or 'commanding'. I am both those things. I am very emotionally strong but I just don't come across that way.

When I used to interview for a primary school teacher positions I was perfect and exactly what they were looking for.

Now I've moved into law, despite excellent work experience all I get told in interviews is that they need someone 'powerful, authoritative and mentally strong'. It's their way of saying I'm not what they're looking for.

My old manager said it's a shame as although I come across as gentle and feminine that does not mean I'm emotionally weak.

AIBU to think just because I'm feminine and gentle, that doesn't mean I'm not emotionally strong, authoritative and assertive.

Why do we consider feminist with weakness?

There are, by-the-way, other ways of looking at Scarlet Ohara. She survived and kept the farm.

It is unfair if you are not hired for a job based on your gender, but personality and mannerisms play a large role in hiring otherwise people wouldn't bother interviewing at all, employers would just pick one of a list of CVs that had the qualifications and hire them.
I have the opposite problem, I'm very friendly and polite but I come on a bit strong for some people and can be a bit too full on, I know I've missed out on a few jobs because of it. I have realised this and usually now only apply for jobs where overt confidence or a strong personality is either a good thing or irrelevant to the job, but that still doesn't mean I'll click with my interviewer.
Maybe positions you need to apply for should play to your strengths and personality, it's going to be an uphill battle if you want to be a hard hitting criminal lawyer, but your ways and mannerisms might be perfect for working with vulnerable children (primary school experience) or with grieving families in a legal setting, or a smaller family based firm, in both cases you would often be spending a fair amount of time with emotional families/people who may have been traumatised and need a quiet comforting presence rather than a big bold personality.
What you would need to work on is ramping up your assertiveness and outward projection of confidence so you can fake it when needed, e.g. court etc.
Maybe acting classes, just to get you used to playing a part, you don't have to change your personality, you just need to be able to act a different way when needed.
I'm a horrendous morning person, but my job means I need to be awake and pleasant sometimes at 5am in a very stressful situation.....at this point I want to rip everyone's head off and crawl back into bed, but I plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be a perky ray of sunshine because it's what is needed at that point in time...regardless of if it's natural to me or not.
Good luck, seriously, try the acting classes x

If you can't present yourself as a competent lawyer, then really, you should have a rethink about attempting to work in that field.

I knew someone as a student who had a very quiet voice and seemed very gentle and unassertive. She wanted to become a barrister, and was advised to go for something like Chancery and Trusts where a lot of the work is paperwork and she wouldn't have to interact with clients and solicitors much. However, in fact she went into family law and did very well. I suspect that the reality was that when she had to she could be as assertive as the next person, and that in fact it came over well because she wasn't shouting the odds.

I suspect you also could do that if you tried. As people have pointed out, it is difficult to believe that you spent time as a teacher without having to raise your voice regularly.

Being feminine doesn't mean simpering or fussing or doing the "oh me, oh my" Mills and Book historical romance heroine stuff. You say you put on your delicate mannerisms OP, why not try stopping putting them on and acting a bit more formally?

Channel your inner Jillian Michaels (but don't tell the interviewers that if they puke to keep going and don't stop) be more tiger like, show you're keen and prepared to chase your dreams and go after what you want.

ImperialBlether "This is what I always think of when certain men decide to be women and dress and behave how they think a woman behaves, but is way, way off target."

Oh yes! That's exactly it. Like David Walliams in drag in Little Britain. Simpering coquettishly. That's how I imagine the OP.

I also wouldn't say Scarlett O'Hara was a simpering twit, she went after what she wanted like a barracuda, and she was mercilessly ruthless.

OP, if you don't present as authoratitive, commanding and self-confident then you're not. It's as simple as that. People base their assumptions on what they see.

God, yes, I was joking about Scarlett O'Hara! She was indeed like a barracuda in a dress made out of the curtains.

OP I think I know what you mean - although I do find you stating your softness, femininity and elegance are perfect for primary as rather offensive. I work in primary education and am most certainly not the 'typical' delicate female you are describing and that makes me no less ideal for the job, and what about very masculine male primary teachers? However that aside, I have no problem believing you may have confidence and strength below you mannerisms. You can either try and change your initial image by employing some power techniques such as physically standing your ground, voicing opinions in a stronger way etc, or you could try and use your softer style to your advantage. Instead of skirting around assertiveness why don't you acknowledge to the interviewers you're aware of how you have a naturally different approach and describe with examples of how this is still effective and how you will still be able to bring about the same outcome for your clients. Being confident in who you are and being willing to use it to your advantage ironically brings about an understated assertiveness that is far more effective than pure 'bravado'.

OP has elegantly departed, leaving naught but a delicate fragrance in her wake...

whilst asserting her non-assertiveness by complaining about the thread to mnhq

Maybe she'll complain through the medium of dance and send MNHQ a video.

It may not be a question of changing your whole style, just taking out the really 'delicate' mannerisms (what could they be, have started to wonder if I am feminine as I certainly feel it but don't have any delicate mannerisms!)

So, no giggling, slightly baby or high voice, umming or ahhing, fiddling with hair, nervous laughter- I have a colleague who does this and it gets more irritating and incongruous as she ages, it's kind of par for the course with an 18 year old yet to find their assertive self, but odd in an older woman.

Just address people in a very direct manner, plenty of eye contact, you must have good spoken skills if you were a teacher.

Also remember if you don't get a job and you ask for feedback, they have to think of something to say, so it may have been more of an 'off the top of their head' justification rather than a genuine problem that is going to deter you in this career.

No - she's just posted a similar version in chat

banff you beat me to it, that's exactly what I had imagined on reading OPs posts -

"I'm a laydee"

So I'm now imagining Emily from Little Britain tottering into court, smelling of talc, whilst fluttering her eyelashes at the judge and pirouetting.

Chavelita she's probably my all time favourite fictional character .

Wish someone would describe me as delicate. Last time anyone described me they mentioned I had strong legs. Made me feel like a rhino. I bet the OP doesn't have to clean toilet bowls or ovens too much of a lady. Wish I was delicate do I shite

Hmmmm

I am a lawyer and I kind of get what the OP means, to an extent.

I am not naturally the most overtly assertive person in all the world and sometimes I'm sure that is unhelpful to me. But you learn. I am much more assertive and forthright in work than I used to be.

Assertive is not the same as stroppy and rude anyway (and actually you do seem a bit stroppy, Op, despite what you say).

You can be quietly confident and quietly assertive or you can be a smiling assassin. Or a traditionally bullish "lawyer type" Different things work for different people. You just need to come across to the client, and initially to prospective employers as someone who will fight their corner.

What sort of roles are you applying for? If it's something with a lot of advocacy you do have to be able to exude self confidence at times, you also have to have a loud enough voice to be heard and you have to be able to make a point consisely and directly. Are you waffling or vague when you answer or too smiley and familiar?

I think it's your interview technique that you need to address.IME there is plenty of room in the profession for friendly lawyers who have lovely manners but you need to make sure they can see that you are willing to defend your client with steel if necessary. Maybe look at the competencey examples you give - can you choose some that show off your strength of character?

Sex isn't the issue though OP?

The issue is that some jobs don't require a softly softly type. Some do but you are getting clear feedback that this doesn't suit.

So you need to research being more assertive but your sex or appearance aren't a problem.

OP has done similar strange threads before if my memory serves me well. Not looked though to avoid being shouted at by HQ. looks sideways fearfully They start off odd and get frequently more odd before falling into passive aggressive commenting then a flounce. Quite entertaining really.

How on earth do you manage to herd and teach 30 7 year olds without being assertive?

Being assertive is not about being overbearing. It's about clearly communicating your needs and intentions.

I thought later posts by the op would reveal her to be a trans woman

No idea why. Just a feeling I got from her posts.