To think being gentle and having delicate mannerisms doesn't make you emotionally weak

[user1493041907]

I am very elegant and have very delicate mannerisms. I'm warm and friendly but don't come across as 'powerful' or 'commanding'. I am both those things. I am very emotionally strong but I just don't come across that way.

When I used to interview for a primary school teacher positions I was perfect and exactly what they were looking for.

Now I've moved into law, despite excellent work experience all I get told in interviews is that they need someone 'powerful, authoritative and mentally strong'. It's their way of saying I'm not what they're looking for.

My old manager said it's a shame as although I come across as gentle and feminine that does not mean I'm emotionally weak.

AIBU to think just because I'm feminine and gentle, that doesn't mean I'm not emotionally strong, authoritative and assertive.

Why do we consider feminist with weakness?

im going to ask for this thread to be removed now as it's not going anywhere. Thank you for the replies.

I will do some research on how to come across with more power and assertiveness.

My mannerisms don't affect my competence in the job

Would I hire Kate Middleton as my lawyer. Errr, no. You don't sound "soft of softness" to me, you sound completely unable to present yourself as a competent professional.

Well the ultimate goal of law (perhaps not criminal) is to avoid confrontation.

I'm trying to pin down what it is you do that other women don't, that's all. It may help you gain insight as to what you need to change if you think about that.

im going to ask for this thread to be removed now as it's not going anywhere. Thank you for the replies.

That's not how MN works, it doesn't get deleted because you're not getting the answers you want....

Waits for "revealing details" deletion message.

Er, get a punching bag? Take some karate lessons - lift weights, gains some muscle mass?

Watch aggressive people on TV programs? What did you expect people to say?

Quit acting like you are Scarlett O'Hara and start acting like you are The Terminator?

Are those helpful suggestions to make the thread go somewhere?

I could have written your post.

I'm perceived as quiet and gentle yet in my mind I am independent and assertive. I have often been referred to as a 'lovely lady'.

I'm actually going the other way to you and leaving business behind to move into healthcare where my style will be a more natural fit and the gentler side of me will be a help not a hinderance. I feel I have been a square peg in a round hole for too long.

Could you get some coaching to help with 'your presence'?

Do you behave in the way described in SheldonsSpot's post then? If so, maybe you should stop doing those things.

You need to practice your very best RBF, followed by your finest 'fuck off mate' if anyone suggests you 'cheer up'. That's not very 'professional' either, but eventually you might find a happy medium between 'delicate' and 'bulldog'.

Polite and quietly spoken can be just as, if not more authoritative, powerful and commanding - the way Charles Dance portrays Tywin Lannister in Game of Thrones for example. Iron fist in a velvet glove so to speak.

It does sound like you need some assertive and interview training. I am frequently told I look like a china doll, and I look a lot younger than I am (I'm in my thirties but am usually mistaken for being in my teens), I have never had a problem in interviews or being in authority but I do make an effort to make sure I dress formally in a sharp, serious way and to make sure my body language and language reflect this.

For example, whilst I would be within my rights to wear a pastel coloured shirt at work I would be doing myself absolutely no favours and would be making my job a lot harder as people do form assumptions, and pastels make me look especially doll like. I have a senior job in a very serious line of work, I need to look like I can handle situations from the word go. Most employers will shy away from someone who looks like they can't hold their own if the job requires them to be able to do so, hence you need at the interview to fit into their image of what they want.

When you say you are moving into law - are you a lawyer yet?

I am not delicate but I am quite softly spoken and non-confrontational and I am quite a successful lawyer. Has someone actually told you you didn't seem "mentally strong" - mentally weak just means stupid doesn't it?

I don't get how you can have been a primary school teacher yet not demonstrate authority. Having done both jobs, I would say that being a teacher requires assertion of authority more than being a lawyer does.

"I am very elegant and have very delicate mannerisms"
"When I used to interview for a primary school teacher positions I was perfect and exactly what they were looking for"

Maybe it's the fact you're so up yorself that they don't like but they're too polite to say so

Actually OP you sound exactly like my DD2. She is calm, gentle, fairly quiet and doesn't look confident or assertive. She is tall, blonde and willowy and never raises her voice. But she has an inner steel and unshakeable sense of self which i don’t think many people see. She doesn’t lack in confidence whatsoever. I imagine from your description you are rather like her. I think there is a lot to be gained from being a lawyer who presents like this. I really dislike many brash over confident lawyers. I think you just haven’t found your niche yet.

Do you use los of hedging language (sort of, well, I would say, it seems), use statements of feelings as opposed to declarations ie i think that is a good idea or I feel like x is a terrible idea, instead of that's not a good idea? You may need to retrain yourself to use more assertive language, Kate Middleton.

(I doubt it's because you look like her btw).

Do you speak in a whisper? Do you avoid eye contact? Do you simper?

Quit acting like you are Scarlett O'Hara and start acting like you are The Terminator?

Wear a knuckleduster to interviews and polish it in a threatening way while answering questions?

You read my mind Prosecco.

OP - there are LOADS of assertiveness training course available, and even more self-helpbooks. Google it while we are googling "delicate mannerisms".

Also, there is nothing wrong with being feminine, but females tend to have a different way of expression from men, and are conditioned into subordination which bleeds into the way that we speak, female language shows lots of indications of powerlessness (by using apologetic language).

You lost me at 'I'm elegant' - that isn't a fact, just your opinion of yourself. It's the same as saying 'I'm beautiful'.

I think it is your attitude that puts people's backs up - you do sound a little arrogant

There are plenty of companies that offer assertiveness training and interview training. I think that's what you need.

This is what I always think of when certain men decide to be women and dress and behave how they think a woman behaves, but is way, way off target.

And I've never known a primary teacher without a powerful voice and manner, either. Thirty kids, sixty parents and a timid manner? No way!

Best line has to be this, though: "It usually helps if you look someone in the eye during an interview, rather than gazing at your navel"

Coaching
Drama lessons
Take up a contact sport
Try applying for different roles