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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 19/04/2017 14:00

YANBU. It sounds like more hassle than it's worth. Perhaps give your friend a few weeks' notice, though.

FanaticalFox · 19/04/2017 14:01

Maybe just limit it on the basis that your LO is throwing tantrums etc so needs a fair bit of attention in the mornings. Thats a good excuse without offending anyone and maybe just take her child 2 days a week or something instead?

WrittenandGrown · 19/04/2017 14:03

Yes don't do it your friends husband can do it. Or offer to alternate with them so you can have some time to yourself too.

Boooooom · 19/04/2017 14:04

Sounds like she is taking the piss a little but did you ever actually verbalise the agreement? She might be thinking it's ok because you've been happily (on the face of it) doing it.

WorldShutYerMouth · 19/04/2017 14:04

If your friend is on Mumsnet, you might not be in this predicament much longer.

ijustwannadance · 19/04/2017 14:04

She is taking the piss. He can go back to bloody bed once taking his child to nursery.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/04/2017 14:05

Is there any reciprocity?

Bunkai · 19/04/2017 14:05

YANBU. They're taking the piss. At the very least tell them they can reciprocate and take your DD 2 days. If that's not convenient for you then tell them to do one. Cheeky beggars.

notapizzaeater · 19/04/2017 14:06

Has she ever offered to take your dd ? I'd be telling her it's not working - if she chooses to go to work then there nothing stopping the. doing the drop off everyday - it's only 2 days she'd be at work later

insancerre · 19/04/2017 14:07

Yanbu
Bloomin' cheeky, is what it is

MickeyRooney · 19/04/2017 14:08

They have some effing nerve.

use the stock MN phrase "it doesn't work for me" and also apply "no " as a complete sentence.

cheeky bastards.

Anditstartsagain · 19/04/2017 14:09

I would tell them straight you will only do it when its impossible for them to because its a hassle. Dont make excuses make it clear you are doing them a huge favour so not to take the piss.

Ive just offered to collect a friends dd from school one day a week and drop her at after school care (across the road from my house) she couldnt thank me enough and was offering to collect and drop my ds in return on her day off though i dont need it THAT is how you treat someone who is selflessly helping you out.

Allthewaves · 19/04/2017 14:10

How many days each a wk r u taking her dd

Allthewaves · 19/04/2017 14:14

Tbh u offered to take her the two days she works so she just sticking to what what u offered. Just have a chat and say you find it tough and could u just stick to the days her dh would be on an early shift.

Branleuse · 19/04/2017 14:16

tell her that you dont mind doing it on the days neither of them can, but that you didnt realise it was to allow her husband to have a lie in, and you feel a bit like theyre taking the piss

UrsulaPandress · 19/04/2017 14:23

You need to formalise the arrangements so that you only do it on the days her DP has early shifts/

Some friends of mine took another girl to school for years and years and years. Her mother would drive her to my friend's house then drive home. She could have got her to school in that time but preferred to start work from home earlier. Really pissed my friend off as having another child hanging around at breakfast time can cause all sorts of disruption. No idea why she didn't say anything.

UppityHumpty · 19/04/2017 14:25

You're going anyway. If she's a good friend is it worth the trouble if it all goes tits up? Why not balance things out by getting her/her dh to pick up both girls?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/04/2017 14:25

Tell her mornings are becoming a struggle so you are no longer sble to take her DD in. Her DH could easily do it and it doesnt6sound as if she has to be at work that early, more she is choosing to. Well tough, her child has to come first.

Questioningeverything · 19/04/2017 14:26

I'd do what branleuse suggests.
I would come out with hey look I offered to help on the understanding that the help was needed not to give someone a lie in when I don't get one, thats just taking the pee. You guys have had help long enough, sort it out yourselves from now on.
And mean it too...

loulou0987 · 19/04/2017 14:27

Maybe offer to pick the child up on the way to nursery on the days that the husband is at home? Then you are helping out but don't have as much of the hassle. Also maybe they will get the point?!?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 19/04/2017 14:30

YANBU. Asking for long term, recurrent favors like this should be reciprocated in some way. They should be taking your DD some days and definitely not expecting you to take their child when they can do it themselves. Friends do help out friends, but it should work both ways. It also denies her DH time to bond with his DD during taking her to nursery and eventually school.

What is going to happen when their DD goes to the nursery more days a week as she gets older? This has become a habit that is going to grow.

Tell them that you need to scale back as it is becoming too much due to the ages of your DDs, that you will continue to do the days they are both not available but you can't do every day. If they get huffy or stroppy, well then you know they are taking you for granted and have got to the stage of feeling that they deserve you inconveniencing yourself to help them out.

Darbs76 · 19/04/2017 14:33

If she's a good friend I'd probably just do it save the hassle of maybe falling out.

Alternative text her and say it's becoming difficult to get your own dd to nursery days you have both so can she please limit dropping her to only days her husband isn't able to do it. That's reasonable enough without falling out

Bluebell28 · 19/04/2017 14:33

I think you should stop straight away. Helping a friend in an emergency is acceptable but I really think you are an unpaid childminder . If anything happens to her child whilst in your care are you covered by childminder insurance. Also your car insurance will not cover her child. .you need commercial insurance for your car. Ask registered childminders about the risks.

chocorabbit · 19/04/2017 14:34

Next time confirm which days her husband will NOT be at home as you have figured out that it's only 2 days and very cheerfully inform her how helpful it is that you know when you have to pick her DD up and when you don't as it is so stressful with your DD tantrums!

Don't let HER make the decision about allowing her husband a lie in!

HecateAntaia · 19/04/2017 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.