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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 16:39

seemingly little effort

OP has already said it wrecks her nerves. She doesn't owe them anything. They aren't entitled to OP's help.

Lumpylumperson · 19/04/2017 16:41

No it's not her problem brass but that's what mates do isn't it? Help each other out?

It's not my problem my mate lost her flat but she still kipped at my house while she needed to.

It's not my problem that my neighbour goes on holiday but I'd still feed his cat.

It's not my friends problem that my car had it's MOT but she'd still drive me to the garage.

A little less selfishness and a little more active compassion makes life nicer and easier for everyone.

OlennasWimple · 19/04/2017 16:45

I think it's a bit mean to take the "I don't get a lie in so no one else should do too" approach.

SecretNortherner · 19/04/2017 16:46

Assuming you want to keep the friendship just state that your dd is becoming difficult in the morning and keeps having tantrums and you would hate it if her dd was late to nursery. So going forward you don't mind if she's desperate but on days when her partner is home it isn't going to be feasible.
Or just state that her dp needs to drag his ass out of bed and look after his own child.
But your not being unreasonable.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 16:47

Ideally yes Lumpy.

But not when they encroach and start taking the piss and the person doing the favour starts to feel resentful. Also if you're doing stuff for people they should have a sense of reciprocity or some kind of gratitude. Sounds like OP is fed up and her friend is too self absorbed to notice that they don't offer anything in return. Which is not a good sign in a friend.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/04/2017 16:47

I suspect she's being thoughtless rather than deliberately taking the piss. You've offered to take her daughter on the two days she goes to nursery - friend is probably quite grateful (even though she doesn't voice it to you or even to herself) that when her DH gets in from work shattered he can go straight to bed.

I doubt she's thinking 'DH can go to bed, that mug mrsmards can do the hard work'.

Jux · 19/04/2017 16:51

What if the dh stays awake until you pick up their dd from their house? That way you can deal with your dd by herself, follow your own routine and then you drive to their house and wait in the car while he wrestles his dd into the car and buckles her in. You would still need to get both girls out and into school, but it will be less hassle for you. He can avoid driving after a night shift, but does have to take reaponsibility for his child until he's got her safely into the car.

Chloe84 · 19/04/2017 16:54

It can't be easy getting a wriggly toddler safely into nursery, I can see why it's wrecking your nerves. That might be making your own DD grumpier. Be kind to yourself and DD, just say the arrangement is no longer working for you. Your friend is prioritising her DH over you, so you prioritise your DD over your friendship with friend.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/04/2017 16:55

I feel she asked for two days why is she dropping her DD off at yours more than two days a week?

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 16:57

Can you text her

Which 2 days for nursery are the next two? I've worked it out as X is that correct?

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 16:57

Then text - so the next 2 will be y?

5BlueHydrangea · 19/04/2017 17:04

What time does her dh get in from a night shift? Nights can be very hard. He may not always be back in time or of he is asleep it's difficult for him to then get up if he's been working all night.
Explain how you feel to your friend and see what you can work out together.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2017 17:07

Astro55 why is it her responsibility, or her issue rather than their responsibility

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 17:09

Yet another "giving someone a lift to somewhere you are going already is the biggest favour in the Universe" thread. They baffle me.

SomethingBorrowed · 19/04/2017 17:09

I think it's a bit mean to take the "I don't get a lie in so no one else should do
Errr the friend is not a victim here, when you have DC you are not entitled to lie ins just because technically someone else could take care of your DC.
Or do you mean 50% of parents should do school drop offs so the other 50% could get lie ins? No reciprocation, always the same 50%. And if they complain just tell them they are mean because they would have to drop off their own DC anyway.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 17:09

It isn't - what I'm suggesting is that he highlights the 2 day promise - without actually saying there's an issue -

There more than one way to skin a cat

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2017 17:10

No u mean you suggested it was the other child's mums problem.

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:10

It's not just giving a lift though - it's also an unnecessary half hour of childcare as well.
It's an imposition.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 17:14

It is the other mums problem

What OP offered was 2/10 arrangement - which had been changed

If she text and asked which are the next two days she's reminding the mother of their arrangement without having to explain further

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:15

Just say, "I agreed to helping you out so you can get to work early. I didn't agree to help (friend's dh) out so he could have lie in or go to bed early. Two mornings a week is what we agreed and two is what I'm happy to do."

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 17:20

Or just take her? Night shifts are crap. You're going there anyway. It's no big deal.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:23

I wouldn't have an issue if it was just the child being dropped off 5 mins before leaving time. I would have an issue with half an hour at that time of the morning when I'm running round getting myself ready and it's enough hassle to have my own kids there.

Why can't the friend just go in a bit near her mandated start time on the days her DH can't do?

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:23

bertrand to some of us it is a big deal to have someone else's kid to look after, first thing in the morning. Like me - I'd hate it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/04/2017 17:23

Mrsmards, you've been doing this for some time now, but the situation has changed. Both children are developing their own personalities, and getting bigger, time for change. You have enough on your plate, you don't have to struggle for your friend, to ensure her DH, gets a lie in. Tell her the truth, give her a month to sort it out. It really isn't a problem, unless you make it one. Or you could just do, the said two mornings if you so wish.
Sometimes, the more you do, the more people expect.
Personally, I think they are taking the proverbial !

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:24

Pictish - yip me too. Esp at 7 in the morning.

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