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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
Cantstopeatingchocolate · 20/04/2017 21:08

persian and black I've had 20 years of trying to work out DH shifts and the last 7 included childcare arrangements.
Big long winded but over the course of 3 months it would look like this(ish)
Week 1 DH couldn't drop off at all
Week 2 x both days
Week 3 x both days
Week 4 x no days
Week 5 x 1 day
Week 6 x 2 days
Week 7 x 1 day
Week 8 x no days
Week 9 x 2 days
Week 10 x 2 days
And repeat.
So while I have a bit of sympathy about the situation the OP has found herself in, I have zero sympathy for someone who would prefer to come on here to complain about looking after a friends DD for 35 mins 2 days a week than speak up to her so called friend, I'm afraid I can't be doing with the (sometimes) vicious and nasty comments about shift workers and their ability to stay awake/get up after 3-4 hours sleep and function well.
If it doesn't work for you, man up and tell her you don't want to do it. SHE chooses to start early when SHE could be dropping her own DD off, this has bugger all to do with the DH and his shifts. Otherwise do what I did, work out what nursery days fall on a rest day or a back shift and write it on your calendar and only accept taking the DD on those days. Whatever makes you less pissed off about doing a favour you agreed to.

As a disclaimer I am bloody dog tired, had a late night. my DH finished work at 3am this morning and accidently woke me when coming in, took ages to get back to sleep then DS had me up at 6am. This is my reality of working full time after broken sleep or not enough sleep....I am clearly a moody bitch tonight, oh and my DH got up at 8am when I left for work to do school run and then went back to bed. So not all shift workers get to stay in bed or have a lie in.

Deidre21 · 20/04/2017 21:17

Agree with Bluebell28, esp the bit about if something should happen to the child while in your care. Sometimes some people don't think about these things - it doesn't cross their minds - nobody would want something bad to happen but you'd never know.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 21:18

Otherwise do what I did, work out what nursery days fall on a rest day or a back shift and write it on your calendar

with all due respect OP isn't his wife and doesn't need the extra work of trying to understand his shifts. The onus is on them not OP.

TheRealPooTroll · 20/04/2017 21:21

A lot of people are saying that the op offered to do the drop offs and no-one is disputing that but would anyone really drop their kids off 2 days a week at someones house for a year and never offer to do so much as an occasional pick up. The op offered and the 'friend' has taken full advantage of her good nature.

Yukbuck · 20/04/2017 21:39

Has the op come back?

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 20/04/2017 22:25

I think if you reread the OP she's happy to take the friends DD, she's complaining that it shouldn't be as often as 2 days per week it should only be 2 days in 10 to allow the DH to have a lie in.
So if that's the case then all she needs to do is say that, my point is it isn't just quite so easy as taking her every second week. A 6 and 4 shift pattern moves around and if OP still wants to take friends DD she better start logging her friends DHs shifts....which I'm sure she doesn't want to even start doing.
Ultimately it'll make it harder to know when she's taking the DD DVD when she's not.
My final point was the friend CHOOSES to start early, if OP is not happy then her friend will have to be told it's now unsuitable.

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 22:48

with all due respect OP isn't his wife and doesn't need the extra work of trying to understand his shifts. The onus is on them not OP
Exactly, all of a sudden it is OP's problem that she doesn't understand the shift pattern of another woman's husband.

The OP was more than willing to help this woman with her DD but now she has realised that they are taking advantage so in my opinion the OP has every right to moan on MN if she wants to.

Also, I am sorry for people who have to work shifts and aren't happy about it but that doesn't mean that they can take the piss and take advantage of other people just because they work shifts.

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 22:52

it shouldn't be as often as 2 days per week it should only be 2 days in 10 to allow the DH to have a lie in
It shouldn't even be that often because the OP's DD only goes to nursery two days a week.

How come the other girl needs a lift to nursery on those two days every week when her DF is on a 10 day shift pattern?

She doesn't, these people think that they can take advantage.

Shift work or not, they are out of order.

PersianCatLady · 20/04/2017 22:54

she better start logging her friends DHs shifts
No, just no.

Badgoushk · 20/04/2017 23:11

What time does he finish his nights? I do nights occasionally and feel totally spaced afterwards and need to come home and go straight to bed. I'm a doctor.

mimishimmi · 21/04/2017 00:58

Hmmm... why did you offer? Are you doin more than the 2 days a week you offered?

DontPullThatTubeOut · 21/04/2017 03:19

A lot of people on here don't seem to read the comments they are replying to.. OP has disappeared so clearly wasn't that pissed off.

user1492232552 · 21/04/2017 03:47

Honestly why can't I find a mug friend like this, I've never heard anything like it

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 08:30

It's not having a lie in because he's lazy. He's either worked nights in which case he won't have been to bed. Or finished work at 2am or so on a late.

Sallystyle · 21/04/2017 09:09

I don't quite understand why you seem to only have a problem with it now that it has been confirmed that on certain days he is going to bed after a night shift.

If you don't want to take her then of course you are more than entitled to say no but you seem to be resenting the fact that you are taking her when he is going to bed and it isn't so much about you finding it a great hardship.

Those shift patterns are a killer and it isn't so easy to just find another job, so unless it was causing me a great hardship I would carry on.

ElsieMc · 21/04/2017 09:19

My neighbour offered to walk my dd to the school bus in the morning after watching me drive one way to one town, return and drive to another in opposite directions for months as my work moved me to another office. She was appalled I did not ask as she was doing it every day. I would never ever have asked as why on earth should she have to take on my dd as well?

In return I had her lovely dd every Wednesday for tea while she went to work. It needs to work both ways.

I can see that op has simply bitten off more than she can chew and needs to correct the matter. She made a kind offer which she cannot continue with. I think criticism of her initial kindness is a bit harsh.

Aderyn2016 · 21/04/2017 09:19

Or the wife could go to work on time and not early...

OP offered to help when she thought they needed help, but actually they would just prefer it. Yes, shift work is hard but it isn't OP's role to facilitate their lives.

Lovelymess · 21/04/2017 10:46

Just talk to her about it x

Astro55 · 21/04/2017 10:55

His shift patter would mean he need help 6 days in 12 weeks

OP is doing 24 days in 12 weeks

Big difference

Some of those days are his days off so not necessary

user1492769514 · 21/04/2017 11:23

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CakeInMyFace · 21/04/2017 11:30

I agree it may not be necessary for you to take her but approaching a good friend by saying 'you are taking the piss' is quite aggressive imo. Especially as you did offer. If you are good friends I'd just be diplomatic about it and say 'hey x I'm so sorry but I'm struggling in the mornings with the 2 of them and my dd is going through a tantrum phase. I think I'll need to change the arrangements for a while and just take your dd on days neither if you can. So sorry. I can give you a week or two to make other arrangements.'

I do things for my friends all the time and I would never approach someone starting with you are taking the piss!!

SherbrookeFosterer · 21/04/2017 11:46

You need to either stop or amend this arrangement quickly as it is stressing you out too much.

user1492769514 · 21/04/2017 11:48

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PersianCatLady · 21/04/2017 11:52

His shift patter would mean he need help 6 days in 12 weeks OP is doing 24 days in 12 weeks
You have explained concisely what took me many lines to try and explain, thank you.

To me that is the crux of the matter, the fact that it was never intended to be 2 days a week, every week.

I think this is what a lot of people have misunderstood here.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 21/04/2017 14:56

In the op, the poster says she offered to take her friends daughter on the TWO days a WEEK she was at work, why are people saying the op never offered that much? The husbands shifts and sleeping, not lie ins, has no impact on the agreement. The op is now bitter because she is jealous of the extra(?) sleep the husband is having, which, to clarify, is not extra but probably the same amount as the op herself.

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