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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 22:23

i suspect some people on here don't get the difference between "having a lie in" and "going to bed after a night shift" Bur hey ho.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 22:30

suspect some people on here don't get the difference between "having a lie in" and "going to bed after a night shift" Bur hey ho

Still not OPs problem

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/04/2017 22:33

They're taking advantage of you OP and using you as an unpaid childminder.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am

So she COULD do it herself but doesn't want child-related responsibilities to affect her choice of working hours/earnings. Probably doesn't want the 'hassle' that you experience either.

had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift

So she's been deliberately deceitful about the extra days you 'help' out.
Apparently the father doesn't 'want' to be responsible for his dc either - well not at the expense of his lie-ins.

OP - you do realise that it's the parents job to fit their work-schedules around their dc?
All you are doing is enabling them to be selfish and use you like a doormat.

DO NOT ask her about her dh's shift patterns - she will make something up to keep you doing the extra. Just TELL her that you can only do 2/10 drop offs (if you want to)

Personally - i would refuse completely.
Both parents ARE capable of sorting the drop offs between themselves but they choose to make themselves a priority instead of their dc.

Stop enabling them to be selfish dicks.....and be prepared for them no longer being 'friends' with you when they realise you are not a mug or pushover like they assumed.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/04/2017 22:48

Like the OP Bert?

ovenchips · 19/04/2017 23:12

OP You were originally happy to look after the other DD but now it's changed and you are feeling a little taken advantage of (2 days every 10 days has become 2 days a week?). It's absolutely fine to change the set up so you feel happier about it again. Whether that's to stop doing it or introduce a rule about when you are willing to do it, I don't know - it's up to you and what you would like.

There is nothing wrong with letting the person know that the favour you are doing regularly for them is not working for you any more. I wouldn't expect friend to be especially understanding about it though (human nature being what it is and favours very quickly feeling like entitlements) and would avoid any judgements about lie-ins being used as this will result in friend becoming very defensive. Explain that the number of times you are doing it has become a problem for you and is more than you anticipated being asked to do. And that after a certain period of notice you want to change arrangement to x. They won't like it tbh, but that does not mean it is not okay to make the change. It is okay!

WayfaringStranger · 19/04/2017 23:23

It's not just the lift, she also has to look after another child in the morning whilst her own one is playing up/being an awkward toddler. I'm surprised some people can't see the difference between giving someone a lift in the car and actually looking after a small child at a stressful time of the day for the OP.

SelkieQualia · 19/04/2017 23:24

Anyone who thinks OPs friend's husband is just "having a lie in" has never done shoft work.

fuzzywuzzy · 19/04/2017 23:29

I'd tell her you're no longer available to do the school run for her.

Friend and her husbands work shifts are not op's problem.

You've been very generous and if it's proving too much for you then you have every right to stop the arrangement.

It's not an obligation on you, you're doing a favour and if it no longer works for you, tell her you won't be continuing.

TheRealPooTroll · 20/04/2017 00:18

I doubt it's the drive with an extra child that's the issue. It's probably the 30 mins child care before hand. Squabbling over toys, refusing shoes/coats/getting into the car x2 before they've even set off.
The op offered but he is now doing more mornings than she offered. She's well within her right to say no if its becoming stressful. Being a good friend doesn't mean doing everything that is asked of you.
If the dh is really unfit to drive then they will have to do what many other parents do who don't have anyone to provide free childcare for them - pay for it.

Lumpylumperson · 20/04/2017 08:04

I very much agree with Bert

MN is a strange place where any thought of putting yourselves out to help out another parent is unthinkable.

Also where sleeping after a night shift is a 'lie-in'.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 08:18

I could have done the take to school. No problem.

The half hour / three quarters before was what I couldn't manage.

I have to get ready for work. Two in the house made that impossible. The op sounds the same.

Every sympathy with her friend and with the DH coming off a night shift - but the friend could go in later, she doesn't need to be to work that early, or she can pay for help

Astro55 · 20/04/2017 08:21

So only on M' does another families child become your responsibility?

Another families work commitments mean you have to bend over backwards?

I'm assuming OP works as her child is in nursery - maybe she should give up work altogether and look after this child to enable them both parents to work?

Or perhaps she could pay for both children?

StealthPolarBear · 20/04/2017 08:28

We don't know that he isn't having a lie in. We don't know his shift patterns.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2017 08:47

"So only on M' does another families child become your responsibility?"

Oh, don't be silly.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 08:48

another MN thread where someone gets hung up on a small aspect of the original post and then proceeds to flog that argument over and over again.

The lie in is a non issue. Even if it was the only issue and the only reason the OP wanted to stop she would still be well within her rights to say she's not doing it anymore. She doesn't owe them anything, she doesn't need to justify it, she isn't a paid employee and they aren't fucking entitled to it.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2017 08:56

Of course she can stop if she wants to.

What I object to is the demonizing of the people she offered to do a favour for and the sanctifying of the person doing a not particularly big favour.

And the general Mumsnet assumption that people shouldn't help other people out in real life. It's an interesting manifestation of keyboard warrior syndrome. Pages and pages of advice and support for strangers online. Utter horror at the suggestion that anyone should help someone else out for 45 minutes twice a week

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 09:01

See, Bert, I get totally what you're saying. To you, it's not that big a favour. And that's what I thought. Before I did the favour. And then it v quickly became the biggest pain in the fucking arse ever.

I'm not saying people shouldn't help each other out - my friend asked, I said yes. But quickly it became a nightmare and I carried on for almost a whole school year before I said no I can't do this any more.

And my friend who I thought was a close friend suddenly wasn't my friend any more and bad mouthed me all over the place for stopping when it was no bother and she was relying on me.

I gave her a fortnights notice that I was stopping. I told her why. That the kids together were a nightmare that both of them were behaving badly and I had to get myself ready for work and it was too stressful for me. I'd done it for almost the whole year and was sorry I couldn't do it anymore.

Why shouldn't I have said no? Why shouldn't I have said I can't do this any longer?

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 09:07

You're creating a scenario that doesn't exist and over dramatising.

Demonizing and sanctifying is unnecessary emotive language.

So what if she offered them a favour. They're too wrapped up in themselves to realise that this is a very one sided arrangement. No sliver of reciprocity. So yes they should take some responsibility. OP has reached the end of her favour!

You seem to think because she offered it in the first place she now has to bend over backwards to keep providing it even if it is becoming detrimental to her own morning routine.

In fact why don't you go round there and offer to replace OP's services?

insancerre · 20/04/2017 09:24

So do you have a spare car seat in you car ,op?
I am thinking this arrangement could probably go on for many years if they go to the same school

I think you are being taken advantage of
If you still want to help your friend, could you suggest picking up her child from her house on your way to nursery, but only on the days her husband is at work?

Scentofwater · 20/04/2017 09:35

I agree Bertrand. I would also like to see all these posters who think the husband is lazy and just getting a lovely lie in have to get up and take a child to nursery at 3am. The op offered the favour, obviously she can stop if she wants to, but it isn't fair to say that the husband is taking the piss or that the op is being taken advantage of!

I'm also so glad I live in a village that has a culture of helping each other out. It must be horrible for all these posters who can't ask a favour unless it is an absolute emergency, or who feel taken advantage of after offering a favour!

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 09:38

I haven't said the father is taking the piss.

I just don't get why the op has to keep doing a favour that clearly isn't working for her

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 20/04/2017 09:40

it's NOT a huge big favour, 2 days in 10, but it's turned into 2 days a week

It's not even as if it is essential, the mother doesn't have to go in early but chooses too, presumably she gets off earlier in lieu, or is earning more if she finishes at her normal time WIN WIN for her.

The husband is only really out of action for the two early shifts and the first night shift (most shift workers I know power through the next day after a last night shift on that sort of pattern)

2 in 10 is a lot less inconvenience than 2 in 5

the friend and her dh are definitely taking advantage...if his shifts line up then theoretically the OP should get a whole week off at some point which is not happening

and the timing is shite too....wrangling a toddler out of coat and shoes at 7.10 only to have to wrangle TWO of the little beasts back into all their gear and be out of the house little more than half an hour later...

NO THANK YOU!

Besides which...the OP is feeling taken for granted and frazzled, so it's not a favour any more.

dustarr73 · 20/04/2017 09:48

It's only on MM where you should help out even at the detriment of your own sanity.

What where they doing before op helped them.
I have no problem with helping out,but when people start taking the piss.Game over. Xv

Scentofwater · 20/04/2017 09:56

But you've got it the wrong way around, op offered to do 2 days a week, then decided that the husband should not be sleeping and that she should only do it 2 in 10. that's very different and a bit cheeky of the op to then get annoyed that the friend hasn't mind read this. The friend was doing all the drop offs before, so when the op offered it was not unreasonable for her to think she meant every week. It is not ops responsibility to look after the child but neither does she have any right to dictate what the other family do or don't do.

Obviously she should stop as it isn't working for her any more, but neither is the friend taking the piss.

brassbrass · 20/04/2017 09:56

I would also like to see all these posters who think the husband is lazy and just getting a lovely lie in have to get up and take a child to nursery at 3am

This is ridiculous. If you can't do night shifts get another job. Stop crying about how hard it is. OP isn't responsible for his night shifts. If the original agreement was she'd cover the days when he couldn't do it what has happened to increase those days? He clearly isn't doing what was originally agreed. Some discussion or explanation is the respectful way to go here. Not just assume like a piss taker that OP will pick up their slack regardless.