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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 21/04/2017 15:43

In the op, the poster says she offered to take her friends daughter on the TWO days a WEEK she was at work, why are people saying the op never offered that much?
The OP is confusing because at first it says - ". Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD"

But then it goes on to say that "I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks"

Basically I think that the OP's post is a little unclear but she hasn't been back to clarify.

The way I have read it is that the OP only expected to take the other girl on a day that both her own DD was attending nursery and when the DF couldn't take his own DD.

Then again, it is not exactly clear.

Seeing as the OP has not returned, perhaps everything has been resolved.

kjpt · 21/04/2017 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aderyn2016 · 21/04/2017 17:57

Helpful kjpt

LowMaintenance101 · 21/04/2017 18:45

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job
I think everyone seems to be forgetting this detail. Between the friend and her DH, they should be able to sort their own child.

PersianCatLady · 21/04/2017 19:20

Goodness me what an awful, awful problem you have. Must be horrendous when you break a nail
That could be said about a lot of the things discussed on MN.

Just imagine how different MN would be if you could only discuss life or death problems.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 21/04/2017 20:07

low I think you are forgetting the tiny detail that the friend and her husband did sort their child out themselves and then the op OFFERED to take their child as her daughter was also going.
Should no one ever accept an offer in case the person offering later on gets annoyed and puts all the blame on them?

LowMaintenance101 · 21/04/2017 20:49

DontPullThatTubeOut ISWYM but it does sound like the friend is just happily taking advantage of the two mornings per week regardless of what hers and husband's situation is that day.
Wonder where the OP is? If she has raised it with the friend yet?

DontPullThatTubeOut · 21/04/2017 21:02

They aren't taking advantage though, they can't if the op hasn't expressed her feelings to them. I also wonder, but maybe she has spoken about it and it's sorted now.

user1492528619 · 21/04/2017 23:27

From the terminology am I right in thinking her DH is a Police Officer?

Whilst I am completely on your side that your friend is taking you for a ride and you should stop doing her a favour I also feel the need to defend her husband.

My own partner is on the force and the shifts you speak off are 7-4, 2-12 and 10-7/8. His shifts will leave him out of action on his earlies, his nights and his first rest day leaving him able to do half of the pick ups (however I fully expect him to sort his own child the full 100% of the time).

It's somewhat harsh to flame him when he may not even be home in time for eight pending where he is based and he is not the one who is asking you to take her - your friend is.

Astro55 · 21/04/2017 23:38

user1492528619

Who takes your kids to school?

dustarr73 · 21/04/2017 23:46

Look at the moment and if it's 2 mornings a week and it's not paid child care or the favour being returned why shouldn't op change her plans.She's doing it as a favour. Whether they depend on Op.Or the ops friend is a brain surgeon. It's not her problem. AnD she's getting pissed off.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 21/04/2017 23:57

This is why you should never make commitments (paid or unpaid) outside the family. It always ends in tears

pictish · 22/04/2017 09:41

Amen to that Salt.

I'm always good for an occasion, a one off, an emergency. Car in the garage? I'll give you a lift. Stuck in traffic? I'll pick them up. Got an appointment? I'll give them tea. Got the flu? I can help.
Don't ask me to make it a regular thing though...I don't want to commit. I'm running at capacity it is.

pictish · 22/04/2017 09:41

as it is

user1492528619 · 22/04/2017 10:40

Astro - we juggle on a week per week basis, myself, my partner and our mothers managed a schedule

cherish123 · 23/04/2017 09:44

He is being a lazy parent. Surely he can sleep while she is at Nursery. While it is nice to help a friend this is a bit much.

Wando1986 · 23/04/2017 09:47

If he's on an earlies/nights/afternoons rota then although it's shit they should be able to sort their own child out more than they are. I'd tell her outright she was taking the piss op and needs to sort her own shit out.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 23/04/2017 11:36

She isn't taking the piss. Can people honestly not read these days. Lots of imagination being brought into it.
The husband is not lazy or taking advantage because he didn't have any involvement in the ops decision to OFFER to take her friends daughter twice a week, the friend is not taking advantage for accepting an offer that sometimes benefits her partners sleep, sleep that he needs and isn't the extra that people seem to think it is.

Lovetolaugh123 · 23/04/2017 13:55

If it's not working out for you anymore OP than just don't do it - even if her DH wasn't available to take his own kid, I still wouldnt do it if I didn't want to anymore or if it was negatively impacting on me in some way.
Fortunately her DH can do it most days himself so it shouldn't be an issue for them - but if it is, it's their problem not yours.

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