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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
KeepCalm · 19/04/2017 17:24

I kind of see why BUT if their DH does what mine does it's a 4am finish on a 'late shift' and night shifts are long and horrific.

DH has still managed to get up & take all three of his kids to nursery/school etc when I am working.

I agreed to help a friend who's husband worked opposite mine in the same emergency service.

It didn't work either and we had to give notice.

Not easy either way, good luck OP!

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:25

I know...like mornings are chaotic enough without someone else's two yr old to chase around and attend to.

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:26

*aren't

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 17:27

Yeah, but the OP offered and said she didn't mind before. She only minds because she doesn't like the reason.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 17:30

OP doesn't need a reason. She's had enough. They aren't entitled.

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:30

She agreed to two days. The kid is being dropped off more often than the two days and she's not up for it.
Besides, I think it's up to the OP to choose who she will and will put herself out for. She said she'd help her friend. She did not agree to help her friend's dh.
They are taking advantage of the OP.

pictish · 19/04/2017 17:31

will and will not

edit facility MN ffs!

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 17:32

Fair enough.

Mumsnet seems bizarrely against helping out other parents in real life............

Butterymuffin · 19/04/2017 17:32

OP offered to cover mornings where they 'couldn't' drop off their DD. That now seems to have been stretched. Plus they have just presumed on her.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 17:34

I also think they are probably knackered and evolved into this position rather than actively taking the piss but difficult for OP who is feeling the impact of it now and needs to do what is right for her.

Headofthehive55 · 19/04/2017 17:34

Crikey I couldn't deal with two of them getting to nursery! It would send me under!

stoopido · 19/04/2017 17:38

If you didn't want to do it for me you should have just said!

ijustwannadance · 19/04/2017 17:55

Is this going to turn into a sockpuppet thread now then?

Msqueen33 · 19/04/2017 17:57

Hugely depends on the friendship. If she's a good friend, kind etc I'd assume there was a good reason her dh couldn't take their dd to nursery rather than him being lazy. Or she could be a chancer. I've got two kids with autism so sorting two normal kids I probably wouldn't be too bothered but if you feel you're being taken advantage of talk to your friend.

Chloe84 · 19/04/2017 18:28

Yeah, but the OP offered and said she didn't mind before. She only minds because she doesn't like the reason.

I don't think that's the whole reason. OP says 'It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.'

It must be hard getting her own DD dressed and fed while she has the care of another toddler during this time.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 18:35

As I said. Fair enough. But I do think it's odd how very reluctant people are to offer real life support to other parents. Honestly, how difficult is it to put two children into a car and take them to nursery two days a week?

pictish · 19/04/2017 18:42

Perhaps for some people, not very...but when it gets to being three days a week, then four and possibly more, it becomes a pain in the arse for most people that they wish you'd never started in the first place.

pictish · 19/04/2017 18:42

*they'd

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 18:47

Two children who are only two and need watching Bertrand is different to two 16 year olds who are faceplanted into their phones. I couldn't get myself ready with 2 x two year olds to watch so I'd have to be ready before the friend arrived - which is at 7am, so I'd have to be up at the scrake of dawn

CherriesInTheSnow · 19/04/2017 18:52

TBH, given the fact that it's 2 days a week, and is routine for the children, I wouldn't really mind that the DH might get a lie in if it so happened to be on the 2 days I took their DD to nursery.

Or what I should say, is that if I was happy with the arrangement, I wouldn't suddenly get hard feelings about it if I learned that it had some extra benefits to the people I was doing the favour for. That seems a little mean spirited to me.

But you're the one doing the favour, not me, and if the arrangement is really causing you stress then you have the right to tell them that it's unfortunately not working out for you. Just do try and be kind about it and give them some notice.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 18:53

Some people give and others take

CherriesInTheSnow · 19/04/2017 18:53

And actually do agree that if you have to be up much earlier than you would if you were taking only your DD to nursery, well that would put me off too, especially if it wasn't a necessity.

Boonegirl · 19/04/2017 18:55

They are not giving this a second thought, which is wrong. The arrangement suits them perfectly; wife gets to work earlier and husband gets a lie-in if on lates or a non-working day. They are not going to change the situation unless you say something. No doubt they will be astounded when you mention it's not working for you, as in their minds it is a perfect arrangement. So explain the behaviour issues and that you can only help out on days your friend is really stuck and has to get in to work early for a special reason, not just that she prefers to - tough! Often her work days will coincide with DH being on lates or off so he can take their DD to nursery. What a cheek!

KathArtic · 19/04/2017 19:04

You'll probably find that you will no longer be friends, once you are of no use to her.

Butterymuffin · 19/04/2017 19:09

Bertrand it seems difficult for the actual parents of the child to get theirs sorted and into nursery, but that seems excusable for you, whereas the OP apparently should find no difficulty in doing it for two. Why the double standard?

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