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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:
LostMyDotBrain · 19/04/2017 14:46

I don't think YABU to not want to do it. But I think YABU to begrudge a friend taking you up on your offer. You offered to take her DD on the 2 days your DD does. You didn't offer to step in if they found themselves unable to take her.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 19/04/2017 14:48

I can't get my head around the "if she's so good friend continue to do it brigade" its actually really the husband who is still in bed who op is doing the favour for, I assume they aren't "good friends" and ops friend is massively taking the piss here do if effects the friendship so be it, who wants a piss taker for a friend?

I'd either say or text her "I can't believe I didn't realise the overlap where xx could be taking dd to nursery, I offered on days he was at work to help out not on days he is at home. No problem with taking dd in future but just for days he is working, its too stressful for me when he could have been doing it all along"

I'd call her out on it yo be honest

WateryTart · 19/04/2017 14:52

YANBU. They are taking the piss, stop all help.

Oldbrownowl · 19/04/2017 14:53

You offered to do it 2 days, you assumed her dh wasn't there and she took you up on the iffer.

Nothing has changed expect know you know the facts. Your friend hasn't done anything wrong except take you up on your offer.

If you don't want to do it that's fine but think it's a little unfair to be cross with her and call her a piss taker

expatinscotland · 19/04/2017 15:01

I'd go with what Bran suggests, tell her the truth. 'I agreed to do this to help you all out because of work, not to enable him to have a lie-in. The mornings are really tough and so I won't be doing this anymore except the 2 days out of 10.'

parklives · 19/04/2017 15:09

What expact just said.

BToperator · 19/04/2017 15:14

Do they offer to take your DD at all? Seems very unfair if not. You would be quite within your rights to refuse to help them out at all!

ToughItOut · 19/04/2017 15:19

Just tell her you can only do those certain days you already agreed. As you are going anyway I can't really see the issue, but you obviously are struggling.

user1471554921 · 19/04/2017 15:20

As someone who works a lot of night shifts i can sort of see why your friend might not want her husband driving her daughter to nursery after a night shift. If he has been working all night, he is much safer getting into bed instead of staying up another hour and making a car journey.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 15:23

It sounds very one sided. Unless they are able to reciprocate you would be human to feel like you don't want to do it anymore.

Can they do an equal number of pickups if it's the morning that's difficult for them?

If you've just had enough of the arrangement then just say so you don't have to justify to anyone!

JustSpeakSense · 19/04/2017 15:23

I'd just say that taking her DD isn't working for you anymore, you are for finding it difficult and stressful managing 2 x 2year olds in the mornings and unfortunately you can't help out anymore.

Out of courtesy you could give them a couple of weeks notice.

PigletJohn · 19/04/2017 15:23

tell them you'd like a lie in three days a week so will they take yours please.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 15:24

If he's not safe to drive then she needs to sort out a shift pattern that works for her

Assuming she goes in early some days she can start later on others

Her DD her issue

drspouse · 19/04/2017 15:26

Children change so much as they grow in how amenable they are and we've had various morning arrangements including times when I was just not coping with getting both of our DC to nursery so DH would go in later and work later - but then they would both grow up a bit so it was OK.

So it would be perfectly valid to say that these days your DD is going through a grumpy phase and it's really hard to get her in the car.
So you'll have to limit it to absolutely impossible days.

Also, would it be worth starting from your house and then going to hers - so she helps get her DD in the car, and yours is already in there. Then you only have to unload two DCs.

Can she work different hours on different days or does she have to pick 8 or 8.30 permanently? Could she do 8.30 start on days her DH can't do it?

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 15:44

I'd do what bran said. Tell them the truth they're taking the piss and you're feeling taken advantage of and you've no problem doing when neither of them can but they need to be taking her when they can do.

Or just end it. These things never really go well in my experience

motherofdaemons · 19/04/2017 15:49

No YANBU but a personal rule is never ascribe to malice what can be ascribed to stupidity. She probably didn't even think and would be mortified if you pointed out how she was taking the piss.

If she's a good friend and you want to preserve the friendship, I would explain that wrangling 2 toddlers so early in the morning is hard work and while you're happy to help them out on the days they are stuck, you don't want to do it when one of them can drop her.

Scentofwater · 19/04/2017 15:53

That kind of shift pattern is pretty brutal. I wouldn't expect the husband to always be safe to drive. It's not just having a nice little lie in, it's putting their dd's safety first.

However he should be able to do it on some of the days so yanbu to say you don't want to do it all the time. You can also say you don't want to do it at all, but don't do that just because you think he's lazy.

Butterymuffin · 19/04/2017 15:53

Agree with other posters - this is about convenience rather than necessity for them other than the two days. Even then your friend could not go in earlier than she has to.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 15:58

brutal shift patterns or not it isn't OP's problem. OP only agreed to a couple of mornings but it's become much more onerous than that.

eddielizzard · 19/04/2017 16:17

i would only take on the mornings neither of them can take her. it would better if there was some reciprocation. anything they can help you out with? then there's no resentment.

Scentofwater · 19/04/2017 16:22

brass sure, but op offered to take her friends dd on the two days per week her friend used to do. As far as I can tell she didn't offer to only take the child when there was no one else home at all. As the friends DH didn't seem to be doing the lifts at all, I can see why the friend didn't expect him to once the op offered either.

The op said she was cross and implied the DH should have been taking his dd. Fine, but that was not the initial agreement and he is not being lazy to not be capable of it when he's working a pattern like that. It's not ops problem either, but its unkind of her to be cross at him for not doing something that could potentially be quite dangerous a lot of the time.

Scentofwater · 19/04/2017 16:24

Posted too soon- nbu to stop lifts as it's a favour (though I think it's good to do favours when you can). Bu to stop because the husband is theoretically at home. Bu to be cross at them about this.

Lumpylumperson · 19/04/2017 16:32

But what exactly do you find stressful? Is that that much more work to take an extra kid in the car? (I guess I'm looking at it as a mother who had 3 DC aged under 2 but surely having an extra kid for a short while and taking it to nursery isn't much effort)? I don't think I'd bat an eyelid at this.

That said, if it bothers you then you're under no obligation to do it so tell her that you don't want to.

I'm guessing that her DH is in the emergency services from the shift pattern you described. If that's the case he probably doesn't finish in time often and is probably very, very busy at work. I used to work nights and there is a HUGE difference between finishing at 7 and flipping straight in the bed and finishing at 7, staying up with a child/ren then driving them to school (whilst exhausted) and eventually getting into bed then being up again to pick them up from school and doing it all again that night.

It's not your problem I know and you're entitled not to do any favours at all on any days but I'm really not getting why you'd not automatically just take the child to the place you're going anyway when it is doing someone such a massive favour for such seemingly little effort from you.

Lumpylumperson · 19/04/2017 16:35

Her DD her issue

Nice. having a fresh wave of gratitude for my lovely friends and family. This really wouldn't be an issue for us to do for each other.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 16:37

but it still isn't the OP's problem. It's their problem whether he can drive or not. OP isn't responsible for how they solve it.