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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to take my friends daughter to Nursery?

244 replies

mrsmards · 19/04/2017 13:57

I've always been a lurker. But here goes...

My friends daughter is 5mo younger than DD. They are both now 2. They've been going to the same nursery since my friends DD was 10mo. Friend works full time, her DH works shifts, pattern: two earlies, two lates, two nights, four off.

Friend must start work by 8.30am but chooses to start earlier due to nature of her job. Nursery opens at 8am. Offered to take friends DD into nursery on the 2 days a week she does alongside my own DD. Friend drops DD to me at 7.10am, then I need to get both children in the car and out the door by 7.45am.

I dont mind doing this to help out my friend, but due to her DH shift patterns, I figured that there is actually only two days out of a 10 day stretch that he cant take his DD to nursery himself, so wouldnt have to do it all that often. However, I end up taking her DD most weeks, I have long suspected that this is the case, but had confirmed today that I do take her DD to nursery on some days to give her DH 'a lie in' or to allow him to go to bed an hour earlier after a nightshift.

I'm cross. It's not easy, getting them both out of the door, into the car and into nursery, safely, wrecks my nerves. My own DD is invariably naughty/grumpy in the mornings and has thrown some epic tantrums in this scenario.

AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway, but I cant help but feel they should take their own child to nursery if they are able to? Is it me, or are they taking the P?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 19/04/2017 19:10

You can of course say no.

But I don't go along with the outrage here that it's taking the piss.

The friend doesn't know that OP is struggling with it, and it's not obvious that she would be. Some 2yos - even in combination - aren't that hard when the routine is there.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 19:14

The friend doesn't know that OP is struggling with it

Yes she does - she knows the agreement was 2 days in ever 10 and the friend never asks so yes she does know

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 19:15

"Bertrand it seems difficult for the actual parents of the child to get theirs sorted and into nursery, but that seems excusable for you, whereas the OP apparently should find no difficulty in doing it for two. Why the double standard?"

It's not a double standard, that's silly. It's just people in difficult circumstances.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 19:16

Different, not difficult.

toffeeboffin · 19/04/2017 19:21

How these people manage to be so brass necked is beyond me.

Her DD, her problem. Two year olds are seriously hard work and require 100% attention all the time, unsurprisingly you find it hard in the mornings!

Your mate's husband's lie in is simply not your responsibility at all.

Your friend is taking the piss but you are enabling her.

user1492458803 · 19/04/2017 19:23

Anyone adding an additional two year old to my house at 7.10am would get short shift!

Chloe84 · 19/04/2017 19:25

@mrsmards have you decided what you will do?

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2017 19:26

But the OP agreed! And i do find it a bit bizarre that taking one extra child to nursery is such an enormous task.

Blueskyrain · 19/04/2017 19:31

This started off as 2 days a week and it's still 2 days a week. The reason the Op is grumpy is because she though her friends partner was not around on any of those days.

He may well be around, but that doesn't mean he's able to and the child to nursery. For him, it may be the middle of the night, or he's exhausted after a night shift. Mere presence at home does not necessarily equate to availability to drive.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 19:32

The OP worked out how often she thought it would be, and it's turned out to be a lot more often than she thought.

I can't believe you can't see that two two year olds is more work than one - it's not the taking in and of itself, it's the half hour in the house first, can you see what I mean? You couldn't be getting yourself ready during that time - two two year olds take a power of watching!

pictish · 19/04/2017 19:38

So what if she agreed! She didn't sign a contract written in blood stating she was at her friend's dh's disposal as well!
She's not their loyal servant!

XsaraHale · 19/04/2017 19:38

fanaticalfox Brilliant suggestion and true! I would go with saying it is affecting DD

kierenthecommunity · 19/04/2017 19:45

I work those shifts. I couldn't drop my son off at school on earlies (obviously) nor do I after nights (in theory by the time I drive home I could stay up and take him to breakfast club but don't like to rely on that in case I'm late off.) Lates for me is a 2am finish so I do haul my arse out of bed for that. Rest days (where in effect you have three full days off as the first you've just finished nights) is zero problem.

I think suggesting he share the load with you is perfectly reasonable. It may not be a 50/50 split but it would give you a break and be a thank you for putting yourself out

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 19:45

I used to take a friend's DD to school. I was going too - I was taking my DD. They were 4/5 at the time.

My DD on her own sat and ate breakfast. Watched a bit of tele. I could potter getting ready.

Two of them together was like the spawn of satan in my house. They wouldn't do what they were told. They messed around. They didn't sit. They didn't know what to be at next.

And my friend got earlier and earlier with the drop offs.

In the end I cut it because it was just too much hassle. It was causing me too much bother and I couldn't cope with it in the morning.

I wasn't getting paid. It was a favour. I could, and did, stop it at the time it became a pain in the rear.

And why on earth shouldn't I have?

Headofthehive55 · 19/04/2017 19:49

Maybe bertrand is super nanny! Just because one person finds it easy doesn't mean someone else will.

Chloe84 · 19/04/2017 20:39

But the OP agreed! And i do find it a bit bizarre that taking one extra child to nursery is such an enormous task.

@Bertrand, can you really not see the difference between agreeing to do a favour because the friend has no alternative, and agreeing to do a favour because the friend's DP wants a lie in?

Several people have tried to explain why taking care of two toddlers is different to taking care of one, but you seem not to want to see it.

God forbid if OP were to get in an car accident, or should the friend's DD were to run out on the road, and something happened. The guilt would be unimaginable. I can understand why it wrecks OP's nerves.

NapQueen · 19/04/2017 20:42

What would frustrate me is that he isnt doing it. Not that she wants you to do it iyswim.

Have you asked her why dh doest drop at nursery when he is at home.

MatildaTheCat · 19/04/2017 20:52

Talk to her?

Nursery drop off after a night shift is up there with the worst misery that exists but if it's not working out you need to tell her.

Blueskyrain · 19/04/2017 21:01

The friends husband isn't 'having a lie in' if he's having to stay up after a night when exhausted, or if he's getting up half way through his night. If you didn't want to get up at 3am, it wouldn't be because you are lazy and want a lie in.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 21:14

yes but they could pay someone to do it for them then they could do whatever they wanted re lie-ins and early starts. But OP is doing a favour she's not the hired help.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 21:31

she's not the hired help

Absolutely - and given less curtesy!

Jux · 19/04/2017 21:34

It didn't start off as 2 days a week, though, did it? It was meant to be 2 days every 10, but has become 2 days a week.

It is also causing the op problems.

Whether anyone else would find it a piece of piss or not, the fact is that op (and she's not alone in this either) finds it difficult and believes getting her own dd to nursery is enough of a challenge atm.

So, op, it's not awful or criminal or even mean to tell your friend that you have enough on your plate atm, and so won't be able to take her dd to nursery for her, for the time being.

You could- if you wanted to soften the blow - tell her that if she's faced with emergency you would do it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/04/2017 21:51

"AIBU to refuse to no longer take her DD? I suppose I am going there anyway"
'Going there' is the smallest part of 'getting two 2-year-olds there' though, isn't it? One is manageable. Two is not just a little bit more effort, not even double the effort, it is quadruple.

It's time for them to take their own daughter to nursery.

brassbrass · 19/04/2017 21:57

at the very least they need a gentle nudge to think actually despite our knackered night shift fog we need to organise our child care arrangements because relying on a friend to this extent makes us not very good friends.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/04/2017 22:06

Bert, the OP agreed to help her friend out, not do unpaid childcare so that a man can stay in bed. That's patriarchal bullshit. OP YANBU, if he wants to have as lie in, he should arrange the childcare he needs, not take you for a mug.

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