DH taking job with long commute

[grumpyfish52]

My DH has been offered a fantastic new job with great salary that will stand him in great stead for his career in the future...but the commute will be about 2 hours each way and we have young DC (3 & 6mo) they he'll hardly see at all during the week.

We depend a lot on my family for childcare (esp when I go back to work) so moving to new job location isn't really an option-esp as my job is based on London where we are now.

AIBU to ask what you would do? Do you/your OH have a long commute and does it work? Does it put a massive strain on your relationships? We are so happy as we are so i'd hate to make a big change we live to regret, but it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up (but then again, not at any cost...gah!) Help?!

I know people that have been in this situation, and the long commuter has actually lodged locally to the job from Monday to Friday.

A four hour round commute is tiring. I did it three times a week for ten years, and found it shattering. You hardly get home before you've to be in bed and up the next day.

I do a hour and a half each way.

My other half does most of the house cleaning and food prep. I feel guilty but it does mean we have finally been able to buy our own house as the pay rise was significant. It also is what you make it. I do a lot of calls during my journey so I tend to sort out any house paperwork or any issues etc

We are now in the swing of things and I find weekends I spend doing far more in the house and out of it because I don't have that time during the week

I have just given up a 2 hour commute. 90 mins is doable imo 2h is too much. I lasted about 8 months and it was a very long and hard winter.
If it is temporary then maybe but there is no way I could do it long term.
But I'm a nurse, working long days for not a lot of money. If it was a desk job for considerably more money then I might reconsider!

My DH commutes just shy of 2 hours each way, 5 days a week. DC are 8 & 10 and no3 is due in the summer. He leaves before we are up in the morning but is generally back for 6.30pm so it's not too bad (he's lucky he can start earlier in the morning to finish earlier).

When DC were babies he worked a similar distance away but wouldn't get home until after 7.30, by which time DC would be in bed so he wouldn't see them during the week unless up in the night, this really got to him (and me).

However it didn't put a strain on our relationship, we just made the most of our time together. His job location changes every couple of years and he's said 2 hours is the maximum he'd do each way, anything more than that and he'd stay away during the week to save commuting. I'm dreading this happening!

My OH is currently doing a 2hr30 each way commute.
This is only temporary and will shortly turn into a 1hr commute.
So it's liveable with because it's finite. We've both acknowledged that it's going to be a shitty time and we need to buckle down for it.

In his last job it was a 2hr commute and it was awful, as it was open-ended. We barely saw each other all week and he was exhausted and I was just the maid of all work.

It's not just a matter of the time it takes.

Is your husband's commute a straightforward one? i.e. can he get on a train, fall asleep/work/read/meditate for the whole thing or is he stop-start on different modes of transport? What are the options if there is an accident en route - can he divert or is he just stuck there? Strikes a la Southern Rail?

Is it a two hour drive? Will the extra travel eat into his extra salary?

My DH had a commute of about 2 hours each way which could be up to four in awful traffic. It was all driving so no downtime built in at all, and was open ended. It didn't help that he hated the job too.

For the sake of his mental health and family life he left after two years, and now has a 20 minute commute. He missed a lot during those two years - our sons infancy, mainly, as he just wasn't present during the week and was too tired at the weekends to function properly.

We wouldn't do it again, the price paid was too high.

Thanks for the replies.

It's either a 1.5 hour drive (inevitably longer if problems on the road) or 2 hour tube/train journey (train is 1 hour so he could work/relax during that portion)

He will try to do a couple of days where he starts early and finishes early enough to be home to put the DC to bed, and maybe one day a fortnight from home (he can't do more than that really as his job is not elk suited to working from home)

In theory it would be for 2 years probably before moving on to something closer to home, but it's not like a contract that will end it 2 years iyswim, so not absolutely finite

My DH has a ten minute commute. I have at least an hour each way. I'm currently on mat leave but looking to change jobs because ten hours a week travelling is time away from my DS and time that DH will have to pick up the slack which I don't think is fair. I'm therefore prioritising time with my son against the extra money or the earning potential of working so far away.

How much of his salary will be eaten up by increased transport and childcare costs?

I would only do this if there was absolutely no other choice. That's an insane commute to do on a daily basis.

Could you not look for work closer to his work? That's a hell of a commute

The comments re commute costs are also fair. Dh had a company car so no depreciation/maintenance to pay on it, but we still paid about 10k a year in diesel and income tax for it.

Oh I meant to say that his company will cover the cost of travel

I can't really work where this job is based (I earn as much as him and we need my salary) and I also don't want to take the DC away from their grandparents who they see v regularly

I gave up that kind of commute to have a family. It's not compatible with family life.
If you work late then you might not get home till 9pm. At the very least it's a 12-13 hour day including travel.
I wouldn't do it again. It was ok when I was single but I was tired almost all the time.

Its not just his money though, is it?
Its his time.
Put a price on that.....

I wouldn't touch this offer with a barge pole.

My OH did this, two hour each way commute, he didn't see the dc's in the week, and I did all the housework and childcare, cut my hours short at work, washing etc obviously. It didn't put a strain on our relationship at all, but we were both very tired by the end of it all. And as the dc got older, they missed him more and more. Also he felt he had to spend all his time with them at the weekend, so his hobbies and friendships suffered. After 3 years we decided enough was enough. It was probably worth it, career-wise, but any longer and we felt our home life was suffering disproportionately. Hope that helps.

I did a four-hour round-trip commute (door-to-door) for seven years in my previous job, pre-DC. It was excruciating, and I cannot even begin to think how that would fit into our lives now. It turns your 9-5 working day into something more like 6-9, so you wouldn't get any breakfasts/bedtimes with them, and then your weekend is just pure exhaustion.

Not a chance I would take this job unless our finances literally depended on it, and even then, I would try to find other ways first to fix the finances. Money just buys stuff. It will never, ever replace the time spent with your own DC.

Our finances don't depend on it, but it would be a great stepping stone for the future and would allow us to buy a bigger house etc

At the moment he works about an hour away and absolutely hates his job, he doesn't see much of the DC at the mementos anyway (usually back about 7.15 when DC are in bed) so I'm not sure how much would change in practise re time spent with DC?! Except that he would be exhausted, of course.

Can he stay in a air B and B or Sparerooms.com room for a couple of night and work longer on those then shorter on the other days?

Will you be able to afford extra help around the home due to his new job? Cleaner and mother help?

My DH used to travel for work a lot and it does effect family life however we are still enjoying the financial benefits years on. It meant he got amazing promotions and ultimately it's set us up for life. DH can retire young and DC won't have to take out student loans and will get house deposits etc. We wouldn't have these things if DH hadn't travelled for work. I know it's a fine balence though and that it wouldn't work for every family.
Even though DH was away during the week but he was 100% there for the DC and I at the weekend. I tried to make sure all the chores/boring stuff was done during the week (with the help of a cleaner) so that weekends were relaxing and fun. It's not for everyone but it worked for us.

Sorry for typos...

What does he say about it?

My DH did a 2 hour commute for 2 years and we had to relocate. It was really punishing and demoralising for him.

But he'll be leaving earlier and getting home later - he'll be shattered. Plus what about your time as a couple?

I know 2 people that do this.

One lodges away in the week and the other does the commute
door to door every day. He admits to liking getting out of domestic crap in the week, she feels guilty she cant cook dinner in the evening. The sheer amount of travelling for a few years is making her ill.