DH taking job with long commute

[grumpyfish52]

My DH has been offered a fantastic new job with great salary that will stand him in great stead for his career in the future...but the commute will be about 2 hours each way and we have young DC (3 & 6mo) they he'll hardly see at all during the week.

We depend a lot on my family for childcare (esp when I go back to work) so moving to new job location isn't really an option-esp as my job is based on London where we are now.

AIBU to ask what you would do? Do you/your OH have a long commute and does it work? Does it put a massive strain on your relationships? We are so happy as we are so i'd hate to make a big change we live to regret, but it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up (but then again, not at any cost...gah!) Help?!

I know you said his job isn't really suited to working from home, but if they are okay about letting him work say 10am-6pm Monday and then 7am-3pm Tuesday, for instance, that would make a massive difference to the time you and the kids had with him mid-week. Especially if he was able to work from home once or twice a month.

And of course if he is able to travel slightly off-peak he may well be able to do some work on the train.

I'd give it a go & play it by ear

I have a 90min commute four days a week. I work three long days (out from 7:30 am to 8:30 pm) and one shorter day (7:30 am to 6:30 pm). On the shorter day i get home in time for dinner, bath and bedtime. That makes a huge difference. Perhaps your DH could work three long and two shorter days so he can do bedtime twice a week and get a bit of quality time with the kids?

Alternatively, he might be able to start early (8 am), have short lunch breaks and leave at 4 every day. He'd be home in time for bedtime most days then. (I would do this if my job didn't involve lots of work with teams in the US with bad time difference issues...)

There are ways to make this work. Best of luck!!!

I think it should definitely be possible to start early and finish early at least one or maybe two days a week.

We talked last night about the staying over and he doesn't want to stay over more than one night a week but hopefully that one night would make a difference

I guess we probably won't know just how exhausting it is for him until he's tried it...

Lapinlapin I do know people who have been able to take extra time off, in lieu of overtime in a way. Yes, of course I don't mean jobs paid by the hour, but some professional jobs do have an unofficial 'rule ' whereby if you've worked loads of hours one week, no-one is going to mind if you do less the next.

Yes, I'm one of those people but it is very unofficial. Sure I can go to the dentist in the middle of the day; or knock off early pretty much when I want but I can't plan it in advance because all manner of things could crop up and need dealing with asap. They don't pay me to say "oh well, I'll deal with it tomorrow", they pay me to put in the hours when it's needed, for as long as its needed.

So my point was more that OP's husband can't plan/schedule to come home early on a certain or fixed days each week because he won't know what might crop up that morning that will need dealing with.

I did 3.5 hours for 18 months. The clinching factor in giving it up was the extent to which it wiped out my weekends. I accepted it would lose me a lot of the week, but I also spent the weekends recovering. Weekends away, any travel at all at weekends, went out of the window. I think if he does it, you have to accept that your weekend activities may also be curtailed.

Oh no merry, that doesn't sound great. We don't go away that much at the weekends but it would be a shame if he were to exhausted to enjoy time with the DC

Shots-you're right that things will always crop up and with the best will in the world, even if he plans to leave early on certain days there will be times when he just can't

My current thoughts are that he should give it a go, but we set a date in advance to assess how it's going/the impact it's having on us as a family?!

@grumpyfish52 My current thoughts are that he should give it a go, but we set a date in advance to assess how it's going/the impact it's having on us as a family?!

Yes. You can hang in there for a fixed time because you know it will end. I think this will be key to the success of it (or not). If it was open-ended I think it would be almost impossible.

Good luck!

I think that's a great plan grumpy - the key thing for us accommodating a long commute is positivity. Not "look at all the time it's taking away" but "look at all the advantages we're enjoying" (whether that's more disposable income, job satisfaction - it's location for us)

Agree with pp who said the big commute means i want to spend weekends at home, with the kids, and not jaunting about - so (as you live in London near family) - i assume that's your ideal weekend.

I do 8-4, and work on the train, and it's ideal for us. Any flexibility can really make the difference where lots of home working isn't possible.