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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH taking job with long commute

134 replies

grumpyfish52 · 16/04/2017 13:44

My DH has been offered a fantastic new job with great salary that will stand him in great stead for his career in the future...but the commute will be about 2 hours each way and we have young DC (3 & 6mo) they he'll hardly see at all during the week.

We depend a lot on my family for childcare (esp when I go back to work) so moving to new job location isn't really an option-esp as my job is based on London where we are now.

AIBU to ask what you would do? Do you/your OH have a long commute and does it work? Does it put a massive strain on your relationships? We are so happy as we are so i'd hate to make a big change we live to regret, but it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up (but then again, not at any cost...gah!) Help?!

OP posts:
Namesarehard · 16/04/2017 19:37

How many hours will he actually be out of the house? I ask as my husband works 12 hour shifts (6am-6pm & 6pm-6am). He has done for 15 years. He's out of the house 13.5- 14 hours a day 5 days a week. The commute isn't as long but the working hours are. He finds it fine, he's used to it. We also have children. They're used to it also. He's a very hands on dad when he's at home.

Shortdarkandfeisty · 16/04/2017 19:41

I'd say don't do it. You are in London, is there really no job for him there? Life is too short to spend 20 hours a week travelling - that's effectively another half a week work.

Shortdarkandfeisty · 16/04/2017 19:48

I think he should look for the equivalent job in London, that's win win

Dozer · 16/04/2017 20:03

It's an internal move and OP's H is assuming that based on his current CV he would be unlikely to be offered an equivalent position with another company. Presumably the plan is to use this job to improve his (already good by the sounds of it) prospects for a senior role closer to home.

Copperas · 16/04/2017 20:29

I did a 2.5 hour each way commute. The bit on the train wss fine, private time, lots of reading got done. Oxford trains have tables and space to work, and he would be going in the opposite direction to most commuters so he should have a reasonable journey from Paddington. Tube would be before or after rush hour? It will be tiring till you both get used to it, but it is doable

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 16/04/2017 20:53

I suppose I just don't see our career opportunities as being separate...what's good for one of us is good for both of us. We have joint finances and everything is shared; we plan these things together in terms of what will benefit our family now and in the future.

My salary is the same as what he will earn in the new job so I don't worry that my career is being left behind etc. Practicality-wise, I work close-ish to home and my hours allow me to pick up the DC...I was the one doing most of the pick up before my mat leave anyway as he worked the other side of town so not much would change there.

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 16/04/2017 20:55

Dozer you are right re the opportunities this role creates for future positions closer to home-this is one of the things that's really attractive about the offer

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 16/04/2017 20:55

Lapinlapin Also, if he has the option, could be maybe work more hours Mon-Thurs and then either finish early on Fri, or occasionally bank enough hours to take Friday off?

I don't think most "salaried" jobs above junior grades (I mean that in the context of vs paid per hour) are really cut out for "banking" time or taking it off in lieu like this. When you get paid a wedge, it's partly because they need you on demand. Admittedly there can be a deal more flexibility, but that is equally given and taken and it's not just as easy as saying you won't be working that day because you did a few more hours the past few days. It's also not uncommon to have to cancel leave too if the business needs it. It's not great, but again, they are paying handsomely for it. For me, that trade-off works, OP and husband need to decide the same for them.

UppityHumpty · 16/04/2017 21:58

I personally wouldn't commute from London to Oxford: it might be more affordable for you to buy a place in Oxfordshire/bedfordshire/Buckinghamshire. Nicer schools and quality of life here too. You also get more value for money - a friend recently bought a sprawling farmhouse with land for 500k in a bedfordshire village within catchment to several outstanding schools inc grammars.

Lapinlapin · 17/04/2017 00:40

Shots I appreciate your point, but I'd say it massively depends on what his job is!
I do know people who have been able to take extra time off, in lieu of overtime in a way. Yes, of course I don't mean jobs paid by the hour, but some professional jobs do have an unofficial 'rule ' whereby if you've worked loads of hours one week, no-one is going to mind if you do less the next.

Dozer · 17/04/2017 07:19

"I suppose I just don't see our career opportunities as being separate...what's good for one of us is good for both of us".

So you're both already high earners, with you as the higher earner.

Perhaps mutual career support and progress has been your experience to date since becoming parents, which is great. This is far from the norm, which is that there can be a big career and pay penalty for motherhood, and not for fathers. mothers most often work PT or SaH or take jobs with limited travel and hours, doing more of the parenting, while fathers take opportunities like the one your H has been offered. This has been the experience of most families I know in the commuter belt.

The new role might upset your current shared balance in working, parenting and running the home, and (since you'll be doing far more than you are now at home) make it harder for you at work. That might be fine for you for a couple of years, or might be much harder than you anticipate. The family help you hope to continue to have is a big boost.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/04/2017 07:22

When I had this commute I used to alternate staying over and going home.

Monday- Drive down, stay over.
Tuesday- Go home.
Wednesday- Drive down, stay over.
Thursday- Go home.
Friday- Drive down, go home.

Worked for me mostly.

JustMumNowNotMe · 17/04/2017 07:26

It sounds like a great opportunity and if it were my husband i would be ok with it but would prefer he lived out during the week so he wasn't totally knackered on weekends. Instead of travel costs will they put him up in a hotel?

My commute approx 1 hour but I leave at 4 so I am home to do tea and bath etc but in order to do this I do drop them off at the CM at 6.45.

turbohamster · 17/04/2017 07:43

Whereabouts in Oxford? does Marylebone to Oxford parkway (51 minutes) make the commute any quicker?

I think it's just about do able, plenty do it in the opposite direction

MoreThanUs · 17/04/2017 07:54

I would probably go for it, based on the information you've given. Half of the responses here aren't relevant as posters have ignored the context given. For me, I would also prefer DH to stay over twice a week (should be v doable in Oxford) to lessen the stress of travel time. It would also allow him to work late a few evenings a week and therefore make it more likely to finish on time on Friday / have a clear weekend.

OliviaStabler · 17/04/2017 07:55

I'd go for it! If the job is that good it will be valuable experience and look great on his CV. It is not forever and he can always scout out a reasonably priced B&B or Airb&b for a stay over each week to break up the commute.

swimmerforlife · 17/04/2017 08:20

I wouldn't recommend it tbh, not with young children anyway.

I have a 75min commute each way (door to door), this is my absolute limit as I have two very young children, it is only doable because Dh is a SAHD and can be around for the kids.

I start an hour later two days per week, so I can have breakfast with my two boys, I generally go to the gym after work on these two nights (the only 'me' time and is my mental sanity) so therefore I get home and both of them are in bed asleep. It's hard.

On the other three days I start at normal time, I am mostly home in time to put them to bed and read a story.

I don't have a lot of choice, we can't afford to move and we need my job (dh would only have a low paid job) so here we are.

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 08:53

Thanks for all the advice, it's much appreciated.

I think it's probably wise for him to stay over one night during the week. I work 4 days so perhaps the night before my day off would be best as I'll be around the next day. I don't love the idea to be honest but I don't want him to burn out with all the travelling

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 09:01

Thanks Dozer, I appreciate that it's perhaps not the norm. I'm lucky that I am able to earn a high salary on 4 days a week and I have negotiated hours that allow me to drop/pick up the DC, which helps. I appreciate that there will be sacrifices for us both to make; he in terms of the travel time/exhaustion, me in terms of picking up the slack at home a bit more.

He won't accept that the latter will be the case and is committed to doing his share, but realistically he won't be able to do what he does now. We do have a cleaner so that will help.

I think it we decide to go for it, we will just have to keep assessing the impact it's having and whether it continues to be worth it or not.

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 17/04/2017 09:08

I would definitely push the company for overnight digs mon-thurs if it's over 2 hours, it's not worth the hassle if all he's doing is seeing the kids for 10 mins or whatever and the knackered all weekend. I'd prefer he stay away and Skype with them for bedtime stories or something so they still get "time" with him, and he'll be full of beans for the weekend to give you a breather 😊

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 09:14

I think I would miss him too much if he were away 4 nights though...I think if that were necessary perhaps he shouldn't do it?!

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 17/04/2017 09:17

Oh well yes if you wouldn't like it that's fair enough. I am used to SH being away 4-6 months at a time so I guess my perspective on it is different Smile

Just weigh it all up and do what's best in the long run for you both.

MoreThanUs · 17/04/2017 09:27

I'm a SAHM and if DH has two consecutive days (or more) in London (we live an hour outside) and won't be back home by 7pm, he stays over. If he misses dinner / bed / bath anyway, then I don't think there's much point in him coming back just to hang out with me for 2 hours and sleep. I then use the opportunity to have a lazy dinner in front of the tv and an early night! Him being away might be easier than you think if you make the most of it!

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 09:34

Morethanus, yes I certainly enjoy the odd night he's away doing exactly as you describe 😉 I just think if it were more than once a week I'd really miss him/miss discussing the details of our days etc though. I worry that we wouldn't be as close, esp as the weekends will be quite intense with the DC.

He is not keen on the idea of staying away, although perhaps the reality of the commute will change that!

He has to give an answer in about a week's time, I think my gut says he should take the opportunity but I'm so nervous about the impact on us as a family

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 17/04/2017 09:41

Me and DH still feel close (not at the min bit not work related!) when he is away, we chat for hours on Skype, watch tv shows "together" still whilst we chat, it's like he is in the room with me just I get the sofa and wine to myself 😂😂

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