DH taking job with long commute

[grumpyfish52]

My DH has been offered a fantastic new job with great salary that will stand him in great stead for his career in the future...but the commute will be about 2 hours each way and we have young DC (3 & 6mo) they he'll hardly see at all during the week.

We depend a lot on my family for childcare (esp when I go back to work) so moving to new job location isn't really an option-esp as my job is based on London where we are now.

AIBU to ask what you would do? Do you/your OH have a long commute and does it work? Does it put a massive strain on your relationships? We are so happy as we are so i'd hate to make a big change we live to regret, but it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up (but then again, not at any cost...gah!) Help?!

I have a long commute (usually about 1.5 hours each way) when I'm not on mat leave and it's the absolute limit of what I can handle. The only way it works is because I can get to the office late and leave late, so I can have breakfast with DD.

But given the advantages you've listed to the job, i would err on the side of taking it with a milestone in six months where you both sit down and have a proper conversation about whether it's working well for all of you. If it's not, he looks for something else.

grumpyfish52: Our finances don't depend on it, but it would be a great stepping stone for the future and would allow us to buy a bigger house etc.

Might this bigger house catch you and him into the permanent snare of him having to do very long hours, though? You might have to consider the industry your DH works in to know whether this is one of those "always giving another inch and never getting a yard back" affairs. Some careers, there is a break-point where when you get above a certain step, you clear the truly hideous stuff and start to get a lot more freedom. If this is one of those where it just gets harder and harder, or only very few people hit that magical oasis of calm, then not a good step.

At the moment he works about an hour away and absolutely hates his job, he doesn't see much of the DC at the mementos anyway (usually back about 7.15 when DC are in bed) so I'm not sure how much would change in practise re time spent with DC?! Except that he would be exhausted, of course.

Hnh. I guess again you would have to consider how much of a loss it is for your DC that they already see him so little, but now the time they'll get with him, he'll be shattered. Some people can soldier on through chronic exhaustion well, but other people can't and it takes its toll on every aspect of family life.

If there's a clear, coherent endgame, where, for instance, the goals are, e.g. a healthier family life resumes after X amount of career progression, and/or you move house to be closer to the job, then there are reasons for proceeding cautiously. But if it's motivated by nothing more than money, then I think that payraise will cost in many more and deeper ways than you might have imagined. I think you'd need to set out with your DH what the goal is, when you know it's time to stop, and the measures by which you'll judge that you've got what you want out of it. Take care to do it, though, before you start mentally spending the money, because that will only cloud the issue.

My commute is 2 hrs each way. I did it 5 days/wk (pre kids) for the first year and found the travelling much easier after I started WFH one day a week, usually Wednesdays to break up the travelling. Does the employer offer that sort of flexibility? Or compressed hours, so your DH could stay locally and work 5 days in 4, giving him a 3 day weekend at home? I still do the 2 hr commute, 8 years and 1 child later, so it is doable long term, though to be fair I reduced my hours after mat leave, and only travel on 2 or 3 days now. I would recommend the train over car as i have done both and found a 90 minute car commute far more knackering and stressful than the same by train.

I've also experienced living with a husband in a job he dislikes, and that can be toxic and tiring too, so it's not all one way when you weigh the options.

Ok so he hates his job now but this just sounds like a terrible idea.

What is the point the kids having a big house but never seeing their dad? You never get the years back. And train plus tube sounds exhausting.

Cant you look at a third option? Cant he leave his job and find somethinf nearer. Or cant you all move?

Presume new job is in london couldn't you all mov3 nearer?

The hour on the train, could he work on the train so be able to leave/start a little later if he's cleared paperwork then?

Would they consider 1 day a week working from home?

From a recruitment/stepping stone perspective, 18 months would probably be long enough in that role when he can offer such an obvious reason for wanting to move back to a London-based role if he was leaving the company. Can you/he cope with the idea of 18 months?

He really really wants to do this job as it's a v exciting role, but he is v hands on at home and with the kids and certainly doesn't want to jeopardise our family life.

We currently live in London, the job is in oxford...we can't move there as there are v few options for my work and I desperately don't want to move away from my family who help so much with the kids.

He will def aim for early start/early finish and wfh maybe once a fortnight. He can set his own hours as he'll be 'the boss'(as it were) but will be limited by practicalities I suppose

He's been offered the position by his current employers-I think if it wasn't working out then they would be happy to move him onto something else in 18 Months...

He shoudl do it but only the basis that if you wanted a job with a 2 hour commute in say 3 years' time he would be the one dealing with the children and rushing home from work. In addition he shoudl look after the 2 children all day from say 7am to 7pm every Sunday or every Saturday alone whilst also doing house cleaning so you get equivalent time he has had. He should probably do the train journey as that will be much less tiring and he can get stuff done on the train such as family admin, bill paying, dealing with correspondence and all that kind of thing which he could not do in the car.

Thanks Janet. Just to say that this is very much a decision that we will make as a family. He is a great, hands on dad and does more than his share around the house and in no way minimises that kind of thing...he would absolutely support me in a similar situation (indeed, he encouraged me to consider an opportunity abroad when it came up for me although it would have meant considerable sacrifice for him)

I just don't know what to do for the best. Many of our family members have said that this is the kind of opportunity you don't turn down and we can make it work for us fir a couple of years...I just don't want to have any regrets either way

Surely if he looks hard there are similar job opportunities in London?

We've both commuted, 90 mins each way (2 hours plus during rail strikes), for some years now and it's shit for health, wellbeing and all kinds of relationships IMO. One person doing it seems better, but requires the one working locally to do much more parenting and domestic work, which is an impediment to their career. You having local family back up would help though.

Neither DH nor I would not want to not see the DC monday to friday. DH had this with his father, who worked away all week, and felt awful every Sunday during his childhood.

it's VERY rare for women who are parents to pursue these kinds of work opportunities. We just don't.

It's the kind of opportunity that the vast majority of mothers who WoH DO turn down (or don't get as far in seeking), all the time.

I'm a mum. I have a 3 hour daily commute. I do it to earn the sky high London wage. Most London employers do let office staff work from home because they are slowly understanding that people are more productive when not commuting. Work from home isn't quite there yet in other cities but if you work for a big employer it's ok.

Any flexibility he organises for himself will need to be available to at least some of his team. That could be a good thing, IF the employer supports it.

A lot of the responses so far seem to be negative so just wanted to share another perspective. DH has a 1.5 hour commute (driving) each way and has done for five years now. The commute has never been an issue, either for him personally or for us as a family.

He has breakfast with DD (3yo) every morning before he leaves for work and gets home in time to bath her and read her a story before she goes to bed at 7ish. We make the most of the weekends and DH's annual leave, doing lots of stuff together as a family. I certainly don't feel we "never see him" as some pp seem to suggest is inevitable with a long commute. I think if your DH is very 'hands on' anyway and happy to devote their weekends and holidays to 'family' time' then it doesn't have to be an issue.

I have always said I would be willing to move closer to DH's work to spare him the commute but he really likes the area we live in currently and doesn't feel the need. He listens to Audiobooks and Podcasts in the car and has always found driving quite relaxing. If he hated driving or found it stressful then of course it would be a nightmare. I think a lot also depends on the job- DH loves his job and his career is progressing well but I can imagine that if he didn't enjoy the work then he might resent the travelling.

Definitely consider the financial implications of the commute though. We're lucky that DH was able to negotiate a generous fuel allowance as part of his package so he basically has no travel costs, without this it would be a significant dent in his earnings.

It's not that they won't allow flexible working, it's just that his is not the sort of job you can really do from home

He could possibly find other opportunities in London, yes, but this is a particularly exciting role being the head of a very prestigious organisation; having done this role will set him up incredibly well for future opportunities. Where he is now, he just doesn't have that springboard and wouldn't be able to get a job like this outside his current organisation

Thank you Yorksha-it's great to hear another perspective!

His company have offered to pay his travel costs so that shouldn't be an issue.

Like the previous poster my Dh commutes 1.5hrs and has done for about 15 years , my dc are older ,youngest is now 15 oldest is 22 so for most of their childhood.

He works long hours and I won't deny that at times it has strained our relationship but it is what it is.We stayed living here because of my job, family support, schools etc and also the area we live in is much nicer and somewhat cheaper than where he works .He also doesn't mind the driving which helps and sometimes stays over , it does impact family life but if it's the right thing then you can make it work

I do a 2hr commute with young DCs (1 and 3). I've been doing it 6 months since i finished mat leave.

It's a bit different because we chose to live somewhere that far away knowing I wouldn't change my job. For us, there are 3 things that make it possible.

DP is a SAHD/WAHD - so DCs get lots of parental time outside of childcare. Hes thinking about taking a job, but V short/zero commute is imperative, childcare would be impossible to manage if we were both commuting so much.

I negotiated my hours at work so the hour I spend on the train in is work time, so i have slightly shorter office hours and can get home just in time to put kids to bed. (I'm relatively senior, which made negotiating easier)

We all have to have a positive attitude about it. I really have to remind myself that the trade off of 4 hrs a day in transit is a lifestyle we really love. The perfect location for both of us and the DCs and no financial worries, and a job i truly enjoy.

It's not for everyone, and people look at me like I'm bonkers. But we really think it works for us. Although ask me again in 5 years...

Mine isn't much short of that but it does include school run and straight to work, then reverse at end if the day. It's knackering during term time as I'm usually out from 7:30am until about 7pm.

Can he work remotely a day or 2 a week?

Also to second yorksha... all my non-work time is about family at the mo. Whilst the DCs are so small, weekends and holidays are about spending time with them at home. I'm very selective about my socialising and other activities.

Just to add we are still together , so we have lived to tell the tale ! If he doesn't try then it sounds like you would both regret it , if it doesn't work it could be the platform to enable him to get a similar level role closer to home in a couple of years time .I do really think it's important to make decisions for the long term and not just now, children get more expensive not less and to some extent the more senior the role the easier it is to set the rules of the role.

If it's short term, is it doable for him to stay over a couple of nights a week? 4 hours a day travelling is punishing.

Could you move somewhere middle ground? Half way between the two?