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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH taking job with long commute

134 replies

grumpyfish52 · 16/04/2017 13:44

My DH has been offered a fantastic new job with great salary that will stand him in great stead for his career in the future...but the commute will be about 2 hours each way and we have young DC (3 & 6mo) they he'll hardly see at all during the week.

We depend a lot on my family for childcare (esp when I go back to work) so moving to new job location isn't really an option-esp as my job is based on London where we are now.

AIBU to ask what you would do? Do you/your OH have a long commute and does it work? Does it put a massive strain on your relationships? We are so happy as we are so i'd hate to make a big change we live to regret, but it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up (but then again, not at any cost...gah!) Help?!

OP posts:
cashmerecardigans · 17/04/2017 09:43

I'd say go for it. It sounds a brilliant one off opportunity and if it's in the same company then the senior management must think very highly of him, if it doesn't work after 18 months or so you can rethink but he'll have the experience under his belt which will be great for his cv.
Could he stay over one or two nights and do longer days on those days? If his employers want him that much I'm sure they'll be accommodating.

poshme · 17/04/2017 09:44

Grumpy, my DH is away 4 nights a week. It's not brilliant, and some weeks it's crap, but the kids have adjusted amazinglymquickly.

I'd second him staying away at least 1 night a week to save him tiredness from travelling. And if he can do a couple of longer days because he stays over, and come home a bit early on Fridays- even better.

And if it's time limited to 2 years, with better money & prospects I'd definitely go for it. (My DH took a pay cut for his job cos he was so keen to do it!)

UppityHumpty · 17/04/2017 09:50

I think an overnight stay for that commute is excessive tbh. I commute 3 hours daily (1hr30mins each way), and don't find it difficult. Take the morning train around 6am, return by 8pm. I used to do it everyday but now wfh as needed too. It's not as hard as some of the people here are suggesting. Especially if you have one partner with a 9-5ish job, and can sort out breakfast/dinner/pick ups etc for kids as required.

Chamonix1 · 17/04/2017 09:51

DH commutes 2.5 hours each way door to door 5 days a week.
Dd doesn't see him during the week much if at all and he takes the lay ins at the weekends to catch up on some sleep.
Housework etc is obviously solely my job.
It's financially been a great move, DH is tired but he says it's worth it for the pay and career progression.
He spends a lot of quality time with us during the weekend and dd appreciates daddy a lot more these days.
Extra effort made to make sure we can make the most of our 2 hour evenings together, dinner ready for when he gets in/ lunch made for next day and we get to catch up a bit, I wouldn't say it's strained our relationship at all if I'm honest.

ZaziesPaws · 17/04/2017 09:57

Think it's vastly different that it's a change in role with same employer rather than a new job. He'll have job security from the off and also if it doesn't work out after giving it a decent go then there's flexibility.

I would do it, but only on the basis of

  1. You're chief cook, child wrangler and bottle washer during the week, and he has weekday evenings to relax after his commute. But he takes on that role at weekends so you can relax.
  2. You set either a time limit or a milestone goal so it's finite
  3. You have some strategies in place to make it easier- could be a babysitter one night each week to give you a night off, or you get a ingredients box delivery to make cooking easier.
  4. He takes some time off (a week or a fortnight) before the switch so you can batten down the hatches e.g. batch cook together and fill the freezer, you get a few days together with the kids and also some time as a couple, you think through things like emergencie e.g. What if you are taken ill and can't pick up the kids.
JustMumNowNotMe · 17/04/2017 09:58

Yes but what's the point of a 4 hour daily commute uppity If he leaves before the kids are up and gets home when they are in bed?! I don't see the point of making a 2 hour journey home to watch t.v. for two hours and then bed.

UppityHumpty · 17/04/2017 10:09

@JustMumNowNotMe - the point is that going home every evening is a better stress reliever than staying out in hotels for the week, when you're in a v senior position. Just the act of coming home puts things into perspective & also allows you to regulate your hours in the office. I usually spend an hour or two unwinding with DH if dd is asleep on office days and it's made us closer.

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 10:12

Zazies, really good advice-thank you. Love the mention of bottle washing as that's the one chore we both hate with a passion, he'll owe me big time if I'm doing that 5 nights a week 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 10:14

I agree uppity, sitting together and thrashing out any work issues etc has been a great stress reliever for us both

I think one night away a week would be a good compromise

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 10:17

Thanks chamomix, sounds like you've managed to make it work for you really well

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MassDebate · 17/04/2017 10:19

I don't see this as that big a deal tbh - you say he isn't around much during the week to see the children anyway so if he can build some flexibility into the role it could be an improvement! If he can work on the train that's time well spent at the start and end of the day which should mean his time in the office isn't stretched, plus travelling put from London means he'll probably always get a seat on the train. If you have the familg support you need to manage, I'd give it a go in your position.

ZaziesPaws · 17/04/2017 10:25

If he stays away one night a week, would DGP's take the kids sometimes overnight? Then you can go up to Oxford for a date night there- nice meal out and night in a hotel.

turbohamster · 17/04/2017 10:27

For that length of commute, I'd perhaps just have one night away.

I currently work away from home Monday to Friday but I'd choose a 2 hour commute by train over that, especially if his employer is paying. Being away all week means weekends are eaten into with getting washing done, packing everything for the next week etc. Even only an hour or two at home awake each night prevents a lot of that.

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 11:31

Mass yes I think that could be a possibility. It'll probably mean that we lose some time together a couple of nights (e.g. Getting home at 8 instead of 7/7.15) but then perhaps he'll be able to get home at 6.30 on one or two nights too.

I think the main difference will be his exhaustion, and I guess having less flexibility to pick the kids up if needed but he says he will still make sure he can do this (easier said than done though)

OP posts:
Fatbird71 · 17/04/2017 17:52

Hi
As someone who commutes into Oxford everyday, I would suggest he takes the train. My 15 minutes journey can take up to an hour, and Oxford CC hate cars. But as another poster suggested, the new Oxford Parkway may make things easier

AndNowItIsSeven · 17/04/2017 17:57

Your dc will benefit more from time with their father than a bigger house.

Daydream007 · 17/04/2017 17:59

It will be worth it and better than taking a lower job on the doorstep with less prospects.We've had such long commutes when the children were babies and it can be exhausting. It seems to be the norm these days though if you have a good job with prospects.

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 18:12

Thanks fatbird, yes I think he's definitely more keen to take the train than drive.

Andnow-I totally agree in principle but the reality is that he doesn't really see them in the week as it is as he's home around 7-7.30

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 18:13

Daydream, that's what my gut tells me-to plan for the future as well as the here and now. I guess I probably won't fully understand the impact till we're living it though...

OP posts:
imjessie · 17/04/2017 18:13

Blimey , poor bloke , that's a lot of travelling !!

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 18:19

It is jessie, I really don't think I could do it but he really wants to go for this if we can make it work for the family

OP posts:
AndNowItIsSeven · 17/04/2017 18:34

Grumpy in that case he may as well take the job then.

imjessie · 17/04/2017 18:36

Fair enough if he really wants to .. I know a lot of people do really long commutes every day and we are ' lucky' we don't have to but I guess he won't know if he can do it unless he tries .

RueDeDay · 17/04/2017 18:48

OP would you both consider two overnights, but not adjacent? For instance Mon breakfast with kids, slightly later train, overnight stay, early work start Tuesday, back in time for dinner with kids? There and back on Weds, and then a later start Thursday and overnight, early start/finish on Friday and back for dinner with kids?

Original poster
grumpyfish52 · 17/04/2017 18:58

Thanks rue that sounds like a good plan-although I still hate the idea of him. Ring away so much...it might preserve his sanity though!! He's talking with his bosses about the finer details of the offer in the next couple of days, so he can ask about budget for overnights

OP posts:
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