DH taking job with long commute

[grumpyfish52]

My DH has been offered a fantastic new job with great salary that will stand him in great stead for his career in the future...but the commute will be about 2 hours each way and we have young DC (3 & 6mo) they he'll hardly see at all during the week.

We depend a lot on my family for childcare (esp when I go back to work) so moving to new job location isn't really an option-esp as my job is based on London where we are now.

AIBU to ask what you would do? Do you/your OH have a long commute and does it work? Does it put a massive strain on your relationships? We are so happy as we are so i'd hate to make a big change we live to regret, but it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up (but then again, not at any cost...gah!) Help?!

Head of organisation roles really do have flexibility built in if it's London. Fridays or Monday for example are protected wfh days - if he's in charge, he can set his schedule how he sees fit. My COO launched wfh across the entire global organisation because he wanted to wfh!!

Uppity, it's not london it oxford...and because of the industry he's in it's not feasible for him to wfh more than once a fortnight really... but he could do early start/early finish a couple of days so he can put the kids to bed

Oh god no. I'm out the house 60 hours a week. I'm tired, miserable, hardly see my child, and my partner is also tired and miserable! But now we have experienced the money I don't feel able to change my job. For the love of god don't make my mistake it's nearly killed my relationship

We're quite loathed to move from where we are in a beautiful area of London with lots of friends and family around and fantastic schools. My mum has the DC once a week and my DD especially would miss that so much...so for the sake of shaving just a bit of time off the commute we're not sure it's worth it.

Also my job is in London and I can't work from oxford. Our salaries are similar so we can't do without mine (not that we would sacrifice my career for his anyway)

No I didn't mean you stopping work, just moving to a commutable distance for both of you.

Oh I know, sorry, I was just explaining why we don't really want to move

The prioblem with halfway is that there are no winners , we decided it was better to stay close to grandparents , schools etc so that there would always be stability for the dc plus back up childcare .

Thats are thinking yellow...

Oops excuse horrendous typo!

That's our thinking!! Dear god.

It works for him. What's he said he is going to do to make it work for you? What's his plan?

How do you feel about the additional domestic work and being the "default parent"?

I totally understand why he wants to do it. Financially and career wise it sounds great.

I do think a 4 hour commute every day sounds exhausting.

Would he not be better lodging somewhere instead (as other posters have already suggested)? Would only be 4 nights (Mon- Thurs) as he could travel Mon am and return Fri pm. Then he'd be rested and able to do loads with the dc at the weekend.

He'd also have lots of spare time to do any hobbies / gym/ sport or just general downtime.

I know you'd be left with a v busy week, but at least you could hand over to him at the weekends. Otherwise it seems as though you'd get to the weekend, he'd be tired from the commute, you'd have still been busy with work and doing most of dc/house related stuff anyway and I can imagine weekends might not end up being all that great with everyone tired.

Also, if he has the option, could be maybe work more hours Mon-Thurs and then either finish early on Fri, or occasionally bank enough hours to take Friday off? Or as you mentioned, occasionally work one day a week from home. That would only mean he's away 3 nights a week.

For a better job and better career prospects, doing this for 2 years sounds about doable.

Pirates I don't find that terribly helpful, I've said this is a decision we are making together about what is best for our family. And actually, as I see it he's the one making the sacrifices-travelling 4 hours a day/being exhausted etc

Hmmm... tricky. Totally get the draw if it will help financially and further dh career. However, we went from dh having a 25 minute car journey through countryside to work, to a 2 hour commute door to door into London. We do see him less. But we do have more money... Not sure what to suggest but I can empathise with your predicament.

The only thing I would add is that we had the 25 minute drive until dc were nearly 4 and nearly 7. I'm not sure if I'd have wanted him to miss out on dc at such a young age. They are only babies for such a short time.

You have to do what's right for you as a family though. Go with your gut instinct and I'm sure it will be ok whichever you choose.

I think you can make it work unlike most of the negative post. Dh commutes just under 2 hours each way most days and I do the commute a couple of times a week.

Yes, if the trains break it is a real pain - but mostly it is fine. We use the train journey either to work or relax (watch a Netflix series etc). Dc are a bit older, but dh probably is home after bedtime a couple of times a week but leaves later and has breakfast with them on those days.

It is tiring, but we have never really had a huge problem. We both love our jobs and where we live which makes anything possible!

As it stands, you or your parents (who will get older), will take responsibility for all of the weekly childcare which does get more complicated when the children start school. It will be you who needs to start your day later to drop off and finish earlier to pick up as well as get everyone out of the house every day and to bed most evenings. Weekends are easier!!

It does sound like a great opportunity for him but it could have a huge impact on you.... it could mean you don't get to put those extra hours in to relieve stress in your own job or allow you to progress too. If the household responsibility (emotional and practical) falls to you, it could have a huge impact on your relationship as well.

If you have thought it all through, how to share everything, and how to balance the stresses then it could be OK but you won't know what the hard bits are until you are in it.

He's benefiting by far the most: his personal financial and career position will be improved. And the (non financial) costs of commuting are offset by the exciting job, and not having domestic responsibilities during the week.

The DC and you will be the ones affected most in terms of (again, non financial) costs, although there are likely to be medium to long term financial benefits for you too.

If he does do it it'd be better to stay in oxford at least a couple of nights a week IMO.

It's not always possible to work on the train due to overcrowding and poor broadband reception.

It's only 18 months if it doesn't work out. If he can get paperwork done on the train he won't have to stay later in the same way he might if closer. The early start/early finish twice a week would really help.

Dozer - my point exactly

dont do it. DH has a 1.5hr commute (on a good day no delays) - we have three young dc. It's a killer for him - he breaks his neck to get home before bedtime. Sometimes he doesn't see the kids and for me it's tough too.
If he takes the job relocate. I wish we could.

Also - if he does take the job and you can afford to, it might be worth getting first class season ticket. My dh does and it has meant he can work on the train both ways - which means he can leave work at 4pm. Good wifi and a guaranteed table are essential if your dh is to do this. We feel it is worth the expense to have him home at 6.15-6.45 most nights.

My job moves round month to month, and my commute is up to 2 hours.

I think it will depend on what hours he is working once he's got there. I can cope with a 2 he commute if I'm working 9-5. But it's generally totally unrealistic to expect to work 9-5 in this job, with 8:30 til 6 being more likely, and sometimes worse than that. So at that point my door to door day is 6:30 til 8pm. I can eat breakfast while I'm out so I only need maybe 20mins in the morning (call it 30 to empty the dishwasher too). So then if I'm up at 6, I need to be asleep at 10, so showering ready for bed at 9:30... then you've suddenly only got an hour and a half to eat your dinner etcetc - I can cope for a few weeks at a time, but I find it absolutely exhausting and really struggle to contribute to housework etc etc when my work is like that.

I enjoy my job, but I don't live to work. Honestly I dream of having a job where I was out the house eg 8-6:30. The tiredness seems to permeate my whole self (want to say my soul, but I'm not convinced I have one!), and I just can't catch up at the weekends enough - even though I'm sleeping a lot.

It could well be the right decision though, as hating your job is extraordinarily wearing as well- very possibly more than the commute.

wifi depends very much on the trainline: I don't know about London (Paddington) to Oxford.

The cross-London part of the commute will depend on where in London you live, but could be variable in terms of time and hassle.

Doing cross-London to and from Oxford 9 days a fortnight is a lot. I had a colleague with no DC who did this the other way round (oxford to central london, but including the tube) for a six month secondment and she was exhausted.

If he's heading up a large team the job will be challenging.

It could be hard to get in late and/or leave early, unless others can do so too, so the organisation's stance on flexible hours/long hours is a factor.