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Original poster

MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

216 replies

Mirander · 14/04/2017 14:15

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up Confused I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

OP posts:
Nordicwannabe · 15/04/2017 09:56

There is no option now except to say that if it happens again I will take the key from you

But then she'll just take a copy and think she's winning.

'if it happens again I will change the locks and not give you a key. I might not give DH one either!'

To those who say that this is what Mils are like - no, normal ones aren't! My wonderful MIL has never come anywhere near overstepping any boundaries! She's incredibly helpful both with the home (when staying) and with DD but crucially always asks first and accepts our preferences without question. As a result, I think she's absolutely wonderful and love having her over to stay. I trust her completely with DD and they have a fantastic relationship.

Good boundaries benefit everyone. OP, challenging and changing this behaviour will genuinely benefit your MIL as well as yourself (especially since you seem to like her apart from this) - it's worth doing.

Hulder · 15/04/2017 09:58

I would ask for your key back.

Your proposed conversation is nice, firm but has absolutely no consequences for her. It allows her to deny, cry and continue exactly as she has been doing.

Something like insisting she comes round immediately to colect all items or they are binned within 24 hours is better.

Causing arguments between you and DH is exactly what she wants - it proves he is still mummy's boy - the only way this would work was if your DH agreed with you.

So key back + consequences.

Your planned conversation is just more of what you have been doing and that isn't working, sorry.

Nordicwannabe · 15/04/2017 10:00

Actually, don't say that - it will make her feel it's her and your DH against you, which you want to avoid.

Good luck with however you approach it. Flowers

Postagestamppat · 15/04/2017 10:07

I haven't read the whole thread but have you thought that this behaviour may be the beginning of dementia? Short-term memory forgetfulness, carrying out ingrained routines, erratic behaviour. Can you think of other things that may point to problems in that department? May be very gently suggest a trip to the gp using her repeated tidying up of your draws that she agreed not as a possible symptom. Very probably she isn't suffering from dementia but it should let her know that if she carries on then you'll be using it as "evidence".

Nordicwannabe · 15/04/2017 10:22

Worth keeping the possibility of dementia in mind (it does come on slowly and often once diagnosed you realise that it was the cause of upsetting behaviours for a couple of years Sad ).

But this does sound more like inappropriate boundaries and territory-marking to me (especially moving OP's shoes, and deliberately leaving personal items behind).

I'm sure you wouldn't use a suggestion of dementia as a weapon as pat suggests. Making someone doubt their own mind would be a horrible thing to do. Sad

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2017 11:57

"I'm determined not to be put off by waterworks!"
Good, because they do not indicate upset in this woman, they are simply a tactic. She has the ability to cry at will and she deploys it to manipulate people.

"Should I say it's causing arguments between myself and DH?"
Nope. Either she'd be pleased, or, she'd use it to argue with you. 'Well obviously my son agrees with me then!'. Neither is helpful.

And you do need to be more forceful. You've already said these things to her, yet she persist. JUST GET THE KEY BACK. (After you've rearranged her knicker drawer Wink.) Without the key, she can't invade your privacy, and she's proved she can't be trusted.

Postagestamppat · 15/04/2017 13:07

I'm sure you wouldn't use a suggestion of dementia as a weapon as pat suggests. Making someone doubt their own mind would be a horrible thing to do.

How else does it get diagnosed? Also early intervention is much better than late diagnosis, as anyone with experience of dementia knows. But maybe there are more sensitive ways around it. From my own experiences grandparents though being a royal pain in the arse was the first sign.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 15/04/2017 13:41

Don't say it's causing arguments, that's confirming to her that she has power over you and your marriage. She isn't causing arguments, she doesn't have that clout. Dh is causing arguments in that he doesn't get to tell you what level of privacy you're allowed in your own home.

Hope this last and final warning works, but I suspect the issue isn't that she doesn't understand that you don't like it and don't want her to do it and needs more information. I suspect the issue is she wants to rummage in your drawers and doesn't want to respect your boundaries.

Seeingadistance · 15/04/2017 14:28

I don't know why people are suggesting dementia.

There has been no change to the MIL's behaviour. The change is that the OP is no longer prepared to have her privacy invaded by this woman any more.

The MIL has been behaving like this for the 10 years that the OP has been married, and the fact that her son seems to think it's ok would suggest that she has always been like this.

OP - I hope your conversation with her today goes well, and that you do end up getting the key off her. I wouldn't mention that this is causing arguments with your DH as she'll just see that as her son being on her side, and you'll be seen as some kind of common enemy - the irrational one!

NurseButtercup · 15/04/2017 14:47

PP

Misstic · 15/04/2017 14:59

Postages, I also suggested dementia. The behaviour sounds odd and could very well be very early signs. Based on my experience that's the first thing that came to my mind reading the OP's experience.

However, posters here are in fighting mode and the dreaded MIL mindset.

I think there is still a huge lack of awareness of dementia and it's early symptoms.

My instinct says early onset of dementia but the OP will eventually get to the bottom of the issue.

Bigblug · 15/04/2017 15:04

I absolutely adore my mil but she does odd things like this too. It's usually appreciated but sometimes it crosses boundaries, like the time we went on holiday for a week and we came home and she had totally blitzed the house. I mean, the whole house. She threw my old underwear away, got rid of kids toys, rearranged everything. She even put flooring down! Now, I wouldn't normally have minded if she helped me do this, but the fact that we were away and I came home to loads of my stuff being thrown out, I felt abit... violated.
On the other hand, I came home from work last week and she had dug up my garden. A task I would not have done myself, and needed doing. I was incredibly grateful.

Woody67 · 15/04/2017 15:07

Yes to the sex toys. Hide them in different places in your bedroom (like a lucky dip)! Grin

Funnyonion17 · 15/04/2017 15:15

This would infuriate me, no boundaries and violating your privacy.

If she really wanted to be helpful in sure there are tons of jobs that you would be greatful she did. Gardening, windows, ironing etc. Tell your DH she's not being helpful she's stressing you out

AdaColeman · 15/04/2017 15:17

Another voice adding to the early signs of dementia chorus, she's over emotional about everyday events, she gives meaningless "explanations"
for her own strange behaviour, she wants to do things and help thus harking back to her younger days when what she did for the family was valuable.

I'd take back her key in a gentle pleasant way, that will solve your immediate problems.

Hulder · 15/04/2017 15:55

For all of those suggesting dementia, you have clearly never met a woman capable of doing this without it.

My mother will still visit and wish to fold my knickers despite the fact I am 40+. When I used to challenge her about it she would cry as she was only helping.

Thankfully she doesn't read paperwork much and lives a long way away. Also DH is very laid back - nowadays when she visits she folds his boxers too Grin

There are plenty of women (and men) who are well capable of behaving like this.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/04/2017 16:11

My ex PILs from my 1st marriage were like this, constantly meddling and poking around and 'fixing' things very badly when we were at work (eg. 6inch gate hinges used to reattach a white fitted kitchen unit door- on the outside- the day after it fell off Instead of letting us get the proper hidden hinges and fix it at the weekend. It made the kitchen look dreadful and we had no spare money to replace the door) My Exh used to agree to talk about it with them and ask them not to, but I discovered later that he had in fact encouraged them round to do this sort of thing and lied to me about it. One of several hundred reasons why he became an ex. It seems some families have no sense of boundaries.

RortyCrankle · 15/04/2017 17:30

It may be the onset of a form of dementia but I'm still convinced she is marking her territory in what she perceives to be her son's house. She doesn't move or go through his stuff, only the OP's. Leaving an item of clothing is another form of marking her territory.

Good luck today OP, stay strong. If you don't get the key back you will have to hide all your knickers and replace with cheapo crotchless ones, with the biggest dildo as suggested earlier Grin

The trouble is your DH is so pathetic (sorry) that even if you have the locks changed she will ask for a key and he will give her one.

cherrybath · 15/04/2017 17:40

Looking forward to hearing how well Mirander's chat with MIL goes. I honestly don't think it will make any difference as MIL obviously views the house as an extension of her own and just doesn't understand why she is upset. Changing the keys is the only answer, but only if you go to Banhams or somewhere where you have to be a named keyholder to get a spare cut. If OP is the only keyholder this will solve the problem.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 15/04/2017 17:45

How did it go OP?

SabineUndine · 15/04/2017 17:47

She's trying to encroach. I would say that in her mind, she lives with your DH and you are out of the picture.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 15/04/2017 17:48

Write FUCK OFF on paper in your drawers

NotYoda · 15/04/2017 18:02

The OP does not say she's been doing this for 10 years. It's possible she has always had a difficult personality and that that she has dementia

Emotional lability is a sign, as is genuinely forgetting that she's been going into your room and therefore denying it. And putting stuff in your house (confusion)

TinselAngel · 15/04/2017 18:05

Shamelessly placemarking to hear the result of the showdown.

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 18:07

How did it go?

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