MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[Xenophile]

Who are all these women that cry each time they're crossed?

I could introduce you to both my mother and MiL, Nanny, they do an amazing line in it, it's one of the reasons I have nothing to do with either of them anymore.

[MikeUniformMike]

Get the key off her. She might even decide to move in and you'll find out when you come home to find she's turned your bedroom into hers and her baby boy is now in the spare room, with you on the couch.

Find a divorce lawyer.

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

I'd strategically place a few industrial sized tubes of 'personal' lube around the house.

[FeralBeryl]

See another pp has already referenced the Australia plan
Leave a book about emigration and some lists/paperwork in your drawer ready for her to see once you've expressly forbidden her to peep further.
Fucking liberty...

[5BlueHydrangea]

Swingers magazines! Leave one by your bed. (I assume they exist!)

[ShitIForgotToUntick]

Two words

Glitter bomb

[madcapcat]

This reminds me of a former colleague -whenever his Mil came to visit she would rearrange all the furniture in strange ways while they were both at work. Quite apart from not working out how this frail old lady managed to shift things in her own they couldn't work out her thought processes at all -the sofa was regularly shifted to the upstairs landing for instance. I could not be doing with it at all, but then my dm (who has a key) waits for an invite before she comes round and my lovely Mil asks before she does anything when she comes to stay

[fuzzyfozzy]

Ask your mum round to sort out his underwear drawer...

[Itsmytemporaryname]

Spare key is usually for an emergency though?
Does she have a reason to be regularly in your house when you're not there? Childcare or dog sitting or something?

[gameofchance]

My MIL does stuff like this when she comes to stay. Rearranges cushions, moves stuff about in the kitchen cupboards, resets the dining table etc etc etc. Drives me demented. Is equally huffy and gets sad face on if I try to mention anything - 'I was only trying to help' guilt-trip on DH. I just suck it up now. Take deep breaths and get my own back by moving stuff around at her house when we go to stay

[alibongo5]

"Swingers magazines! Leave one by your bed. (I assume they exist!)"

Nicely recovered!

[ilovesushi]

This gave me cold all over flashbacks. My MIL is champion meddler but have mainly nipped it in the bud now. I used to get in from a trip to park with baby and toddler ready to flake out on the sofa with a cup of tea and would find MIL and FIL IN MY HOUSE doing odd (and I mean weird odd) jobs like sweeping the carpeted stairs with a miniature brush or rearranging the cutlery drawer. They would regularly let themselves in then proceed to rearrange the contents of my house and usually ruin/ break something in the process - no actual helpful cleaning or tidying would take place, just a big old faff and invasion of my space and imposition of their ways over mine. When we moved house I made sure they didn't get a copy of the key and forbade my husband from giving them one. In fact I barely let them in the house. If I do MIL has a very predictable pattern of going straight the toaster and shaking all the crumbs out for me - how kind! - then going to the fridge and 'cleaning' the shelves with something inappropriate like a duster. When I say "can I get you a tea or a coffee?" I get "oh no, don't trouble yourself, no no, sorry sorry, we're in your way, we're putting you out." ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! Just be a normal guest! Anyway as I said I don't let them in any more. If I do, DH knows he has to remove them immediately I say the words "They have to go now." That's what ten years of interference does, your DIL finally puts her foot down. Put yours down now! Stamp it down hard and stop the interfering controlling inappropriate knicker folding loony in her tracks xxx

[ilovesushi]

Could you let yourself into her house and rearrange all her underwear? I'd love to see that! x

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

I am praying OP takes up all these suggestions for porno mags, dildos, glitter bombs, Australian visa papers, and whatnot, and plants them all round the house in places she has no reason to be digging around. When she reels off her list of horrors to you, it'll give you a point-by-point guide of exactly where she's been snooping.

Can you throw in a very convincing fake severed ear or finger into the mix? A large stuffed tarantula? A copy of "Toxic In-Laws" or "Daughter In Laws That KILL!!!"? There's mileage here, OP. You just need to get creative.

[Batghee]

.get a padlock for your bedroom door and lock it when you are out. Passive aggressive i know, but at least your DH and MIL will know you mean business.
Dont feel guilty, these are boundaries that you are allowed to have. They are very reasonable boundaries. Id be livid if my MIL felt she could go in my bedroom and rummage about in my personal space. I think most people would feel the same way.
Some people may be very close to their in laws and not care too much about personal space and thats fine if everyoen has agreed to it. You have not agreed to it though and you have every right not to if thats not what you want.

[EatsLeavesAndShit]

I third (?) the giant strap-on idea. That'll learn her.

Also change the locks and don't give her a key. She doesn't need to be in your house when you're not there. She's going to cry whatever you do, might as well go nuclear with it and draw a solid line in the sand.

[Oysterbabe]

WHY IS SHE IN YOUR HOUSE?

[JulesJules]

sushi Oh God !

I can just see that as the beginning to a horror film...

[Inertia]

This would drive me insane.

I would be very sorely tempted to carry out of all the above suggestions- go to her house and announce that you're going to tidy her knicker drawers to help out (and then tell her not to be silly if she objects, and then cry); then leave undies and sex toys out on the bed; then change the locks.

However, the grown up thing to do would probably be to talk to her about it, and then be firm through the tears.I'd also have a very frank discussion with DH about how creepy it is for his mother to be going through the bedroom and personal possessions of her grown up son and his wife. I don't know how you've tolerated it for so long, to be honest.

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

Is there anyone your MIL really hates? Could you invite them to stay at a time she is likely to visit while you are out? If not, I've got a very mouthy, rude cousin and aunt you are welcome to borrow!

[ilovesushi]

I agree with other posters that DH is potentially the harder nut to crack. Mine was just oozing with empathy for his parents who were "only trying to help", "only want to be involved." I tried to speak to him rationally and reasonably about boundaries, our home and our family and how that was separate from theirs, but to no avail. It all came to crux when she totally overstepped the mark with her interference and passive aggressive behaviour. I'd been away from home for two weeks staying with DS who was in intensive care. When I got home and found my house transformed into MIL vision of how we should live, I went ape shit and told DH he had to chose between me or her and she was no longer welcome in our house. He was pretty gobsmacked but it woke him up and (see a few posts above) I generally don't let her in at all now. Sounds so mean I know but it is for the sanity of myself and my family.

[nokidshere]

Who are all these women who need their husbands to speak for them? OP doesn't have a DH problem she has a communication problem.

Sit her down and tell her firmly that this is the final time you are talking about this. Either she stops doing things you don't want her to do or the key must be returned. If your husband disagrees then so be it. There is no need for any other adult to be in your home when you are not there unless they are providing cleaning/childcare services.

You are adults. You need to communicate your feelings properly and stick to your guns.

[MikeUniformMike]

well said nokidshere