MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[JustHereForThePooStories]

Explicitly tell her she is not to go into your bedroom at all.

Then lock your bedroom door when you leave in the morning. If she asks why it's locked, tell her it's because you couldn't trust her to stay out and the fact that she tried to gain access has proven she's untrustworthy.

[Seeingadistance]

"I can't work out why she would carry on going in the one place I have asked many times her not to go and she agreed to it and said she understood."

It's all about power and control. She's showing you that she is more important than you, and that she gets to do what she wants in YOUR HOME!

[Crunchymum]

Another interested to know why she comes round when no one is home? That is odd before any of the other stuff.

There is plenty of "niche" sexual stuff out there, maybe develop a keen interest in something a bit disturbing and leave some paraphernalia laying around.

Your DH sounds useless. Is he generally not supportive of you??

[StewieGMum]

I'd move all your DH stuff around and tell him your friend did it. Put his underwear where he can't find it and then tell him you friend was just being 'helpful'. If he doesn't understand that then you have bigger problems than your MIL.

[Moussemoose]

Another one who thinks sex toys are the way to go.

Handcuffs, nipple clamps, vibrators, strap ons - she'll stop quickly enough.

[anniroc]

No advice as such, but I have a theory that some parents never stop treating their kids/kids' partners like children. Therefore they think they know best about how your stuff should be arranged etc like they did when you were little. My MIL is a bit like you describe - not so much all the time but has form for bonkers tidying up - whereas my own parents are much more laid back and let me get on with things myself from about the age of 14. I'm afraid you/your DH has to be firm with her. It's tough isn't it?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

What is the matter with your DH. Why doesn't this bother him? Has he never got used to the idea that he's a grown up and mummy isn't there to do his housework for him?

Have I missed it? Has op clarified whether mil is visiting or actually lives nearby?

If she lives nearby, let yourself into her house when she is not there and rearrange everything you can! Especially in the bedroom.

[deblet]

Tell her you have discovered a new religion. Google spells for interfering mother in laws and print one off. The put most of the ingredients with it. Put a few satanic looking objects around bedroom, a black robe in the wardrobe and she might get the hint. Or go with the sex swing, dildo and vibrator brigade. Make sure you order a few items for your OH gates of hell cock device or a cage and a black suit with ball gag for male esp if he refuses to help you ......

[KirstyJC]

Why the hell does your DH think it is 'too strong' to tell his mother not to go in your bedroom? Why does he think that is even remotely OK? Your problem is as much him as her tbh.

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he needs to accept your right to privacy. If he can't understand that then maybe he needs to go back to living with mummy....

And then tell her. Tell her you find it extremely intrusive and hurtful that she is ignoring your wishes.

(Or, get a key to her place and sneak in and rearrange her underwear drawer).

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

Get a key into her house. Go there. Rummage. Hide things. Say you were being helpful.

Seriously now this would get on my nerves and if my DH had reacted like yours I would be furious. Your MIL will no listen and is playing power games. The key should have been taken from her a long time ago.

[AcrossthePond55]

Lock on bedroom door. A huge ugly hasp with one of those big combination locks so it's real prominent. Bonus points for NOT giving the combo to your DH until he sorts his mother out!

[CreamCrackerundertheSettee]

My MiL once put some of our stuff in our attic when we were away on holiday. Random things like a few pairs of shoes, coats, bags. I was fuming! Thankfully we live too far away for them to 'pop' in but she still crosses the line at every opportunity. Cupboards 'tided', things put back in the wrong place- "you need your tea bags more accessible dear", cutting back plants in the garden.. God I could write an essay.

In our case MIL (and FIL) see us as children. DH is too pathetic to stand up to them and I'm too soft.

Nip it in the bud asap is my advice!

[Justmuddlingalong]

She's marking her territory in your house! Give your DH a time limit to deal with her, if he refuses, you deal with it. Don't let the thought of upsetting her stop you. Her behaviour is upsetting you in your own home.

[UtterBankers]

This would drive me nuts...and I really do wonder what would happen if, when you were at her home you blatantly and with no attempt at secrecy wandered into her bedroom, rummaged through her drawers, 'tidied' one up and then came down with some from a drawer and said something like "This is a nice scarf - where did you get it? Oh and by the way I tidied your knicker drawer because you obviously needed some help with it" so she absolutely knows you have been in her drawers and had a good look. Then when she gets upset, because why wouldn't she, say "Now do you understand why I ask you to stay out of my bedroom? Are we clear now?" and ignore the tears.

TBH I don't know if I would actually have the nerve for this, but then I've never had anyone feel it was appropriate to go through my bedroom that isn't married to me (And usually not even then IYSWIM).

[buttfacedmiscreant]

"DH, how would you feel if I let myself into MILs house and rummaged around looking at stuff, randomly moved things around and messed with her underwear?" "would you think it weird and creepy?"

[Seeingadistance]

I've just asked my 15 year old son to imagine a future in which he's married and shares a home with his wife. Would he give me a key to that house so that I could go round when they were out?

Answer - "No!"

I asked him why not.

Answer - "It would be our private space!"

I told him about this thread, and he reckons the MIL is "creepy".

[LittleCandle]

I went balistic at DF once when we were on holiday. He was going in to feed the hamsters (and remove any dead bodies, as they were a poor batch we had at the time) and had left some clothes that I had decided, at the last minute, not to take with me lying on the bed. When I came back, DF had taken these clean clothes and washed and ironed them for me. Very kind, had they not already been clean and in my bedroom where he had no business being! And besides that, I was highly allergic to his washing powder and had to wash them again so that I could wear them. He saw no problem with going into my bedroom for a nosy. That was also the time that he left my patio doors standing wide open after he left. Luckily, my lovely neighbour saw that and knew him, so was able to find his phone number and call him to come back and lock up properly.

And I won't mention the time he came in unannounced and XH and I were in bed...

[Moussemoose]

Ohhhhh deblet a cock cage this is a genius idea.

It may also scare DH into doing what the OP wants.

[Nanny0gg]

Who are all these women that cry each time they're crossed? I am stunned that I have never met one!

I have a key to all my children's homes. I use them if I am asked to. I never go in any room they don't want me to (can't think why I would) and I certainly never go in bedroom drawers or cupboards. Wouldn't occur to me!

Tell your husband it is a dealbreaker. He gets the key back. If you need to have a spare somewhere get a keysafe. If he won't, you get it back and tell him she gets another one over your dead body.

And decide what you will do when the fallout hits.

[AGnu]

Wait for her to be there at the same time as you & as soon as she puts her handbag down somewhere go rummaging in it & remove your key. Ideally move a few things around in her bag & just say you were helping her be more organised & lightening her load by removing things she didn't need.

[woodhill]

Mil is out of order. Why are people like this, do they have nothing better to do.

Does she feel lonely?

[TinselTwins]

My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most

No she is NOT easier to upset than other people
People who throw a good pity party for themselves every time they're challenged are not "more upset" on the inside than people who accept challenges with grace, they're just better at manipulating the situation in their favour is all.

We all get upset if we're told we've annoyed someone else. I hate that the person who always cries becomes by default the wounded party in the exchange.

[Happyhippy45]

Whether it's his mum or your mum, it's still a breach of privacy.
My mum does similar but to a lesser extent.
She stays with us a couple of nights a month to "help out."
I've been ill for a long time and much as I appreciate her toilet cleaning and folding laundry it REALLY gets on my nerves when she does things like make mine and DHs bed, moving furniture to hoover (think pristine wooden floors in a rented house that are now scratched,) tumble drying EVERYTHING, washing clean clothes or clothes I'd planned to wear again. We've asked her not to multiple times. She still does and quite frankly I've given up. She thinks she's helping. She's elderly and I can do without upsetting an old lady. She does similar to my sister in law. She doesnt get invited anymore to their house unsupervised because of it!
Is it does maliciously? Or does she think she's helping?

[NotNowNow]

Depends what other chores she was doing. If she was blitzing the house, doing the windows and all the ironing I'd be tempted to let the snooping go. 😂 Seems like a fair trade.

Can you joke about it with her. Perhaps some exaggerated teasing might be an easier way to get the message across than serious talks.

[MuncheysMummy]

Definately another one who agrees with the buying a massive butt plug and dildo and lube etc and leave them prominently displayed in the top of every drawer in your room so every one she opens she's confronted by kinky sex equipment!