MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[TotalPineapple]

Tell him he has a choice, he can share his bedroom with either you or her. And mean it.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I can't imagine my parents or PiLs poking around our house when we are out. I can't imagine poking around my student daughters flat when she is out. I can't imagine even poking around the rooms of my teens who live at home, when they are out.

You have been conditioned to think that this is normal acceptable behaviour. It's really really not.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

It's not just the bedroom snooping, it's the general feeling of someone else nosing around the house and interfering.

Your problem is getting dh on side and getting the key back?

Is she lonely and looking for things to fill up her day, just wondering?

[Laiste]

TotalPineapple - Tell him he has a choice, he can share his bedroom with either you or her. And mean it.

Yep, I was going to say the same.

The thing is though i'd have said this the first time she touched any of my stuff. The having the key thing wouldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes after the first meddling occasion.

Harder to change these things when they've been left to go on for a bit. But - do it OP!

[Parker231]

Why does she has have your house key?

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Why is it with these MILs who don't understand that certain things are private? I'm sure my MiL (RIP) would never have dreamt of going into our bedroom, unless I'd asked her to fetch something.

Maybe your dp doesn't mind her going into HIS bedroom - she's his mother, after all and it's a bit different with your own mother - but he must make her understand that it's off limits now. I would say to him, either you tell her, or I will. She shouldn't need telling! As far as I'm concerned it's basic manners, and I'd tend to think anyone looking for an excuse to poke into drawers, etc., is just wanting a good old nose.

[WaegukSaram]

An MNer once left "move to Australia" type paperwork in her bedside drawer in a similar scenario...

[happypoobum]

Key back or change the locks and tell her why.

If she cries, she cries.

However, as usual, it sounds like you have a DH problem.............

[Chippednailvarnishing]

You don't have a mil problem, you have a DH problem. He doesn't care what you think because his goal is to please his mother.

[ScarlettFreestone]

It's not "too strong"!

It's not normal for anyone to rumage round their adult child's room.

Read the riot act. You'll only have to do it once.

or go to her house and rummage in her drawers, see how she likes it

[cowbag1]

Your DH problem is more pressing than your MiL problem imho.

If you've exhausted all reasonable lines of discussion with him, I would move all of my things and myself to a spare bedroom and get my own lock on it.

[Bluetrews25]

As PP said - the half completed visa application is a good one, with a copy of the MN bible = 'Toxic In Laws' by Susan Forward.....
That should give her food for thought!
Watch her squirm! and cry
Then get the key back!

[GColdtimer]

You have a husband problem. He needs to understand how undermining and manipulative she is being. He needs to tell her to stop. If he won't then I fear you have bigger problems than you MIL going through your drawers.

[Laiste]

Waeguk i remember that!

The trouble with countering this with ''how would you like my mother/the gardener/milkman/tesco delivery guy rummaging in your pant drawer'' to the DH is that he can easily say 'i wouldn't care', safe in the knowledge that that scenario aint never gonna happen.

The point is YOU are uncomfy with this situation what ever anyone else might or might not like and that's the end of it.

[IloveBanff]

I always wonder whether asking interfering people like this whether they had to deal with this with their own mothers or MILs. That might make them think about what they're doing from a different point of view, if they wouldn't have liked it done to them.

[FinallyHere]

Goodness, change the locks. [definitely not joking]

I think I am quite relaxed about things but this would be a deal breaker for me. Sit DH down, explain that this is not OK and ask him what he is going to do about it. If he cannot come up with anything, or is not willing to find a solution, then it would be curtains for me.

Its obviously a threat you would need to carry through on. Hope you find a way forward.

[AyeAyeFishyPie]

Change the locks. Don't mention it to her. If she asks say you lost yours and so for safety you had to change it..be VERY clear with your DH. I agree he needs to back you up and this way you are giving him a get out clause - not giving a new key is far less awkward than asking for the old one back. That's what I would do. Every sympathy though.

[JustSpeakSense]

She noses around your house and particularly your bedroom when you are not home.

You have asked her to stop on several occasions, she hasn't.

She has no boundaries, this is inappropriate, disrespectful and downright creepy.

Take your key back and change your locks.

Her crying when confronted is controlling and manipulative.

Show your DH this thread, he needs to be on the same page as you.

[Laiste]

gay porn mag in DHs bedside drawer?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Why is she coming round when you're not there? Yanbu.

[LadyPW]

The trouble with countering this with ''how would you like my mother/the gardener/milkman/tesco delivery guy rummaging in your pant drawer'' to the DH is that he can easily say 'i wouldn't care', safe in the knowledge that that scenario aint never gonna happen.
Maybe the OP needs to get her DM to pop round and rummage through DH's stuff then?!

[summerlovinggirl]

Both DH and I work full time and my PIL started letting themselves in our house to drop things in without even saying they were coming. When pregnant, she even came in the house and read a letter I'd been sent from the hospital then said "I see your date has come through from the hospital!" I got to the stage where I was scared to leave things out and felt my home wasn't my own.
It was driving me crazy but DH didn't want to upset them by taking the key off them so in the end we changed the locks on the door and have just forgotten to give them a spare key!

[SapphireStrange]

Take the key off her. Tell your DH to stuff it if he protests. FFS, what's wrong with some people and their bloody mothers?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Don't show your dh this thread, he'll dismiss your concerns and be miffed that you've discussed his Mother to internet randoms.

You do need to have a conversation and get him to be sympathetic to your feelings over those of his Mum.