MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[HappyFlappy]

.

[Thehappygardener]

As a step MIL, I visit when asked to babysit. I'm afraid that all I do is play with the baby, take her out for walks, and watch tv when she's asleep. Have always felt I ought to be tidying or doing house work, but have never felt the urge .... don't in fact do much of either in my house either.

Interestingly, we don't have their house key although they have ours in case of emergencies, and we were VERY annoyed one day to come back and discover that they 'popped' in from a distance away and made a cup of coffee and we strongly suspect that they had a major snoop! Not quite sure how to ask for the key back.

Families and how to survive them! 🤔

[steppemum]

the only way to stop her is to put stuff there she woudl be embarrased to find.
so, dildo, condoms, KY jelly, etc.

Then also make 10 versions of a sign saying - MIL this is private space, please do not come in here! put those on inside of wardrobe doors etc.

But your basic problem is that she comes in when you aren't there. Veyr instrusive.

[LegoCaltrops]

Hope your chat with MIL went ok. My MIL problems improved significantly when they had to move house. We went from receiving daily unannounced visits, to about once or twice per month. It's (comparatively) bliss.

[ChristmasFluff]

It doesn't matter if dementia is a factor or not. What is important is boundaries. Personally, I would change the locks, and if DH gave her a key, I'd LTB get a lock on the bedroom door for use when she was expected, and not give him a key.

[FurryLittleTwerp]

I suspect the chat won't have worked. Removing the key is what is needed.

[KayTee87]

Change the locks. This would drive me bonkers.?

[gillybeanz]

No way would I give anyone a key to my home, why do this in the first place.
get the key back and she visits like any normal person
Tell your dh to sort her out and get your privacy back.
Or leave post it notes in your drawers saying fuck off you nosy bint.
That might do the trick.

[Spadequeen]

This would drive me nuts. I honk you are right to be talking to her directly. Doesn't matter wether it bothers dh or not, it bothers you therefore he should have said something to him mum.

Hope went ok today and she lostened to you.

[Mildred007]

Hope today went well for you OP!

I find your MIL's behaviour so so strange!! I agree with PP's that you should ask for your house key back. There is no reason she should need to go into your house when you or your DH are not there. I don't know how you have put up with it this far! (Although if you're like me, I probably would do too as don't like upsetting people either lol)
I also think your DH should be supporting you in this - does he seriously not mind his mum going through his stuff and yours?

If you have decided to let your MIL keep her key & had "the talk", if she does anything weird again I would love it if you went to her house and reciprocated her "help" and share it on MN .

Does your MIL have a husband? If so, what does he think about her behaviour? Can he at least have a word with her if your DH won't?

Your post has given me the rage for you...seriously lol. I also thought the same as PPs re leaving some sex toys or something embarrassing/shocking etc. in your underwear drawer...

Good luck!

[sandelf]

She would not do this in a friends house (I sincerely hope). She is treating your house as if it is hers to organise. We would all love to sort other people's houses and stuff out so it was organised just how we like. BUT we don't do it - we know it is very rude and disrespectful. Somehow you have to get it across that she is a guest in your home. I think you and DH have to have a serious talk and agree to treat her firmly and nicely as A GUEST. If she persists in crossing boundaries - do the same - sort her place out when you visit, helpfully put stuff in her private hidey holes etc. Until she is thoroughly annoyed and then have the 'respect' conversation again. - If you have the patience for all this. Sometime you just have to say enough is enough. If so just meet her anywhere but in your home.

[car5ys]

I have a key to DS and DIL house so that I can care for cats while they are away. I would never go into their bedrooms as they are a complete mess and would wind me up but I have cleaned up in the kitchen (they always leave dirty dishes/cooker top) and wet washing around. Trouble is they liked me cleaning up and often went away and left it for me so I stopped doing it (cheeky buggers). My DS asked me if I fancied being their cleaner lol. My own MIL would have never done anything like this neither would my own mother (both gone now) but would help if asked. If I had a MIL and OH like this I think the OH might find himself back at home with his Mum.

[roverrange]

That's just a criminal dressed in a different outfit.

Privacy invaded, items removed/relocated/added.

[Dodadodaday]

I was going to suggest dildos and sex toys in every drawer... and pornos elsewhere. But I see that's already been suggest! :)

[Bluntness100]

This is really disturbing. No wonder mother in laws get a bad name. The son is the bigger issue here though, how can he remotely think this invasion of privacy is acceptable and do nothing about it.

I'm also curious to know how it went.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

Mentioned this thread to my sweet, lovely mannered DM today who had a very difficult MiL and dealt with her without ever losing her cool.

She said one word. "Mousetraps".

I nearly drove up a lamp post.

She then added thoughtfully, "And itching powder."

[NotYoda]

"It doesn't matter if dementia is a factor or not"

Er... yes it does. Because if you don't realise someone has dementia, then something like this could be a signal. And you get a diagnosis and help.

[NotYoda]

Sorry if this interferes with the old Evil MIL narrative, though

[HappyFlappy]

DH knows he has to remove them immediately I say the words "They have to go now."

A secret code! Excellent!!!

[RiverTamFan]

"Should I say it's causing arguments between myself and DH?"

Yes because if it isn't quite yet it soon will be! This situation sounds like it is about control but, no matter what the motives, a woman has the right to keep other people's mitts off her undies!

[dodgypinz]

Makes me wonder if I am a bit scary as neither my mother or MIL took any kind of liberties in my home, although both came round to do specific jobs eg help me with wallpapering etc or to defeat a massive pile of ironing for me. As a MIL myself now I am a polite guest on the odd occasions I visit. When they come to me, which is more often, I try to arrange things to suit them and their small small children. The extent of my interference is to mop up sticky fingers before they reach the furniture. I wonder what my D/SiLS make of me?

[embo1]

Do you have a key to her house? Fight fire with fire!

[NotYoda]

This thread is upsetting. So many people with clearly no knowledge of dementia, willing to dismiss the idea of it out of hand, when people with experience say it might fit. Denying the possibliity is just as bad as denying the possibility of special needs in a child, or a psychiatric illness in a younger person. They very fact she's behaving so oddly should always point to that possibility.

Confronting that will not be straightforward either, but reacting to her with hostility very likely would cause denial at best and great upset at worst - imaging being told you are doing something that you have no recollection of doing because you were in a state of disorientation at the time?

By all means put a lock on your door, and then look up some information on the Alzheimers' website to see if any of this fits

[NotYoda]

*imagine, nor imaging

[Strigoi]

I came home to find my ex Mil rearranging the kitchen and telling me my way was wrong.

Current Mil let herself into our house without asking while we were away for a long weekend. I was livid. DH initially tried to tell me I was being unreasonable, as she'd brought round food for us. But I kept reiterating the point that just because she has a key doesn't mean she can come and go as she pleases, whatever her reason, and I think he finally gets it.

This sounds trivial, but she is a bully, has a bit of a history of pushing boundaries and the only reason she hasn't got further over the years is because she's a bit intimidated by me and knows that she can't bully me the way she does with other people. If she lets herself in one more time without us having asked her beforehand, I'll be asking for her key back.