MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[GoodDayToYou]

Oo! Oo! I know, I know!

Next time you get sexy with your dh, take photos of him dancing in your underwear. Put said photos in your bedroom drawers.

PLEASE do this and report back.

[Mysteriouscurle]

She CAN help herself. She just doesnt want to

[woodhill]

Op is your mil on her own? Is it a cultural thing?

[LovelyBranches]

Op I sympathise with you. My mother is an absolute nightmare and despite many many direct requests for her to stop, even outright arguments, she absolutely will not. I also have a MIL who thinks the same way but has less opportunities to carry it out.

My mother will often go through my drawers, cupboards, bedroom. She looks after my DS one day a week in my house (or she did before I went on mat leave again) so I have to accept a certain loss of privacy but I have begged her to stop ironing my knickers and DH boxers and have resorted to hiding my washing. She organises things without my knowledge or consent so I often have no idea where things are. She rearranges the things in my house to her own liking. She buys lots of shite for my house that I don't need or want or even like. She also calls in tradespeople to fix jobs I don't need done or aren't prioritising (gutter clean, window cleaners etc). It's endless.

Some things can be helpful but my mother feels it's her duty to tell me what I am getting wrong in my house (apparently I was letting standards slide because there was dust on the sky box when my DS was 3 weeks old). She also accused my of lying to her when I told her I had booked a cleaner to help out and went around my house inspecting her work (and then telling me it wasn't good enough). To an average person, my house is spotless but my mother tells me how much she has to do.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant

[Guiltypleasures001]

Huge dildos op

In your side draw and in his, also have read on here about someone suggesting leaving out immigration papers to Australia, lewd items of undies 😉 in actual fact I'de be playing up left right and centre

Or is there an alternative door you could use to leave and enter the house? Then you can leave a key in the door and she can't get in.

[RogueBiscuit]

I really wouldn't continue in your attempts to get him to understand. He understands perfectly but doesn't care. Sorry to say, it's that simple. He has told you via his words and actions that your feelings don't matter and his mum's does.

I would have no time for a man who thought his mother had the right to disrespect me like this. I would have one last conversation and I'd make it about the lack of respect as opposed the bedroom. Any attempts to minimize or justify why it should continue would result in a seperation.

[dustarr73]

I have rtwt and you need someone to come in and do onto him,what his mother does too you.

I had similar trouble with my DP.It was his sister and she was "helping". He wouldn't listen ,so she started helping with his stuff.It soon stopped.

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

Buy and leave an enormous dildo on the bed, or a butt plug, if she's sensitive maybe it will scare her to go looking in drawers

[TwoBobs]

I would leave a load of sex toys out in my bedroom and some swinging magazines/porn mags out just for a laugh....and the half filled out Visa application to Oz

[TwoBobs]

Great minds Sandwich

[dustarr73]

Ye maybe the mil will take the dildo or buttplug and leave you(and your knicker drawer alone)

[TwoBobs]

Yes, and ask her to 'help' sort out your dh's personal possessions next time ie drawers, study, garage....anything that's important to him. Tell her he asked you to pass on the message that he's keen to have her 'help'. If all else fails, next time you're at hers go and 'help' in her bedroom. Or tell your dh it's important you have a key to her house for emergencies then go round to hers and do the same.

[Sprinklestar]

I'd be tempted to say something very valuable had gone missing from one of the drawers she's obviously tampered with. Make a big thing of how you haven't been in there since X, but this was moved and so was that... and now Great Aunt Ethel's diamond ring has disappeared. Then go on about how you're going to have to get the police involved, supplying a list of all people who've been in the house. They'll have to take fingerprints... Maybe that would scare her into stopping being such a creepy old weirdo.

[QuinoaKeen]

I had this with my mother.

The final straw was when we went on holiday and gave her a key to feed the cats, and she tidied the teenager's rooms, aged 15 and 18. They were mortified. Yes the rooms were in a state but I always respect their privacy (after I had no privacy at all growing up). They clean them themselves about once a month or so...

I got the key off her and despite repeated requests - "It'd be so helpful if I could just pop around while you're at work to drop off xyz" and "I have a key to your brother's house but not yours", I refuse to give it back.

Stand firm OP. Going into your room is NOT normal.

[user1483705947]

I wouldn't care at this point whether she cried like a 5 year old. She needs to butt the fuck out of your private life, stop letting herself in and have her key taken off her. She's a complete weirdo.

This is why mils 'get slated' on here. They are nightmares.

[Mirander]

I'm going to see her for a coffee today at her house and I'm going to have to have a chat with her no matter how upset she gets. I am also tempted as I go in to start removing shoes from her shoe rack and calmly putting them in her bedroom just so she can witness how odd it is.

I know she will either: Say she never goes in the bedroom and my cupboards (she does)

Minimise what she does in there "I saw this had fallen out so I just popped it back in!" Etc.

My plan is to say: "MIL you have always said to me to be honest with you. Do you remember us talking about my privacy and you promised you would stop going into my bedroom cupboards? Why have you continued to do this when you promised you wouldn't? My privacy is very important to me. I wouldn't do this to you so please stop this, it isn't helpful and I find crossing my boundaries like this very distressing."

I'm determined not to be put off by waterworks! Should I say it's causing arguments between myself and DH?

[IMissGin]

I wouldn't bother with the chat op, she won't change. Just very nicely ask for your key back.

MiL does things like this when she visits, it drives me batshit. We now have a new baby and wants to visit to 'help' and this boundary overstepping and unhelpful help is why I won't have it.

[Fairylea]

You need to get your key back or change the locks. Your home is your personal space and unless you've specifically asked her to come in there is no reason for her to be there. Anything less is just pandering to her.

You do realise as well that the overly emotional crying at everything is about control too, don't you? I have relatives that have done and do this and it's all about manipulation. Don't fall for it.

[nokidshere]

My plan is to say: "MIL you have always said to me to be honest with you. Do you remember us talking about my privacy and you promised you would stop going into my bedroom cupboards? Why have you continued to do this when you promised you wouldn't? My privacy is very important to me. I wouldn't do this to you so please stop this, it isn't helpful and I find crossing my boundaries like this very distressing."

That's nice and polite and says what you want but it's not firm enough. Nor does it have a consequence.

"My privacy is important to me and despite having asked you numerous times you still continue to do things I've asked you not to. There is no option now except to say that if it happens again I will take the key from you."

[metalmum15]

Why does she actually come round when you're not in? Have you asked her to, for cleaning purposes or anything? (In which case, resort back to doing your own cleaning! ). Otherwise, it's just plain weird for her to be popping in when you're both out.

Every time she leaves something of hers at yours, I would phone her immediately and say 'Oh you left your glasses /book /top here, please come and pick them up now'. And I certainly wouldn't be washing her clothes, they'd be going back dirty!!

I feel for you, she sounds a manipulative interfering biddy who needs to be told straight out she can do what the hell she likes in her home, but not in yours. Maybe Dh needs to grow up a bit and realise he's being treated like a mummy's boy at 40.

I'm so glad my MIL isn't like some on here. She barely stays more than 15 minutes before she's informing FIL it's time to leave. My DM did once take it upon herself to repaint the shoe cupboard though, because kids shoes had left scuff marks on the walls. ...

[metalmum15]

Why does she actually come round when you're not in? Have you asked her to, for cleaning purposes or anything? (In which case, resort back to doing your own cleaning! ). Otherwise, it's just plain weird for her to be popping in when you're both out.

Every time she leaves something of hers at yours, I would phone her immediately and say 'Oh you left your glasses /book /top here, please come and pick them up now'. And I certainly wouldn't be washing her clothes, they'd be going back dirty!!

I feel for you, she sounds a manipulative interfering biddy who needs to be told straight out she can do what the hell she likes in her home, but not in yours. Maybe Dh needs to grow up a bit and realise he's being treated like a mummy's boy at 40.

I'm so glad my MIL isn't like some on here. She barely stays more than 15 minutes before she's informing FIL it's time to leave. My DM did once take it upon herself to repaint the shoe cupboard though, because kids shoes had left scuff marks on the walls. ...

[wictional]

I wouldn't say it's causing arguments; she might see it as "well clearly my son is on my side so why should it matter to you?"

You need to be direct, I think. She's being very disrespectful

[Batgirlspants]

She's manipulative as well as she knows dam well it upsets you but that her ds doesn't care.

I would tell your dh he either tells her firmly to stop going to your house when you arnt home or you will change the locks

[caoraich]

I agree with the PPs about you needing to confront her and also about the giant dildos!

However, your post was almost identical (down to the shoe moving) to my family's experience with my GM. She was 65ish had just retired and initially had a key to look after the dog during the day. She became more emotional about things, started going through our stuff and would start doing weird "jobs" e.g. turning all the cups upside down, putting my stuff in my little brother's room and despite being asked not to by DM this behaviour went on and got more and more bizarre. She made up increasingly odd excuses for it ("I brought my sugar tin and there was no room forit so I put your toaster in the garage")
Eventually we realised she had no recall of the conversations and it came to a head when she lost the dog and couldn't remember his name when phoning us to tell us.

She'd always been a bit "meddly" but it was only when the doctor asked us to think really hard about the changes in her that we realised.

Anyway she was diagnosed with a more unusual type of dementia that affects personality too and she sadly passed away at 75

Obviously if your mil has always been exactly the same it's different but I thought I'd post as I was struck by the similarity of the story to ours