MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[Goodasgoldilox]

I hope all went well for you. In this situation I would avoid further fuss and go for the new locks/new keys - (limited edition ones!)

The cost would be worth it to me.

However like those above, I might be tempted to have a little fun first.

I like the emigration papers one.

However I think that a few volumes on things like helping men with erectile disfunction might be good for the bedside table. (Would DH be happy to find his mother had seen those?)

[TheHouseOfIllRepute]

How did you get on OP
Hoping you have the key back

[manicmij]

When visiting usually have to stay as live at opposite end of country I do washing and ironing for son and dil but I leave cloths in separate piles for them to put away. Only open wardrobe for hangers for shirts. Seems to be no problem as they are grateful for help. Perhaps tell you mil you want to put everything away yourselves included husband so that you will know exactly what is where. Other than that tell her to do absolutely nothing as fed up looking for stuff and that you have areas that you consider to be private just as she would have on her own house. Good luck in getting it sorted out.

[ilovesushi]

Desperate to hear how things went OP. The dementia thought is worth considering but with my very similar sounding MIL, I never saw a change in her behaviour, she was always the same. When I asked DH, he thought she had been the same way throughout his childhood. Sometimes it's just down to character.

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

Hope all went well yesterday OP. I'd be asking for the key back but changing the locks anyway, in case she'd had a copy cut.

[DagenhamRoundhouse]

Sorry, can see it's been mentioned quite a few times, I just didn't have time to wade through 9 pages!

[DagenhamRoundhouse]

Possibly the onset of some sort of dementia? Her behaviour is not logical. Also, I'd change the locks, as others have suggested.

[Wassock]

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said. Hope your chat went well, but if not, sending hugs and wine. 💐🍷

[wherestheweightlosspill]

In your chat I hope you mentioned the shoes? There's no way out of that is there? How disrespectful to even think that having space for her shoes in YOUR house is more important than yours! There is no way she can answer that with 'I didn't', or 'I was trying to help' etc. There's nothing helpful about that, quite the contrary and its staggeringly rude and disrespectful and goes to the heart of how she sees your house and is exactly what's wrong with her attitude. I'd lead with that and say it's the straw that made you realise you need your key back......

[Ginandpanic]

Next time you visit her tell her you're just going to pop upstairs and rearrange her knicker drawer, see if she understands then.

[ilovelamp82]

How did it go?

[Devilishpyjamas]

I was going to say dementia as well - if the behaviour is new - because it is so odd. And of course it makes a difference if it's dementia.

If she's always been like this then the key back until she understands boundaries.

[StarryIllusion]

Leave a set of anal beads, some lube and a cock ring out on the unmade bed. Trust me she'll stop.

[NotYoda]

Misstic

Yes. And to be clear, I am not saying she definitely does have dementia, but people are quick to use ageist insults on MN but not to consider actual medical problems that correlate with ageing.

[Misstic]

It is sad NotYoda but it is just the way that a lot of people in the UK treat aging relatives and people in need.

[Strigoi]

I came home to find my ex Mil rearranging the kitchen and telling me my way was wrong.

Current Mil let herself into our house without asking while we were away for a long weekend. I was livid. DH initially tried to tell me I was being unreasonable, as she'd brought round food for us. But I kept reiterating the point that just because she has a key doesn't mean she can come and go as she pleases, whatever her reason, and I think he finally gets it.

This sounds trivial, but she is a bully, has a bit of a history of pushing boundaries and the only reason she hasn't got further over the years is because she's a bit intimidated by me and knows that she can't bully me the way she does with other people. If she lets herself in one more time without us having asked her beforehand, I'll be asking for her key back.

[NotYoda]

*imagine, nor imaging

[NotYoda]

This thread is upsetting. So many people with clearly no knowledge of dementia, willing to dismiss the idea of it out of hand, when people with experience say it might fit. Denying the possibliity is just as bad as denying the possibility of special needs in a child, or a psychiatric illness in a younger person. They very fact she's behaving so oddly should always point to that possibility.

Confronting that will not be straightforward either, but reacting to her with hostility very likely would cause denial at best and great upset at worst - imaging being told you are doing something that you have no recollection of doing because you were in a state of disorientation at the time?

By all means put a lock on your door, and then look up some information on the Alzheimers' website to see if any of this fits

[embo1]

Do you have a key to her house? Fight fire with fire!

[dodgypinz]

Makes me wonder if I am a bit scary as neither my mother or MIL took any kind of liberties in my home, although both came round to do specific jobs eg help me with wallpapering etc or to defeat a massive pile of ironing for me. As a MIL myself now I am a polite guest on the odd occasions I visit. When they come to me, which is more often, I try to arrange things to suit them and their small small children. The extent of my interference is to mop up sticky fingers before they reach the furniture. I wonder what my D/SiLS make of me?

[RiverTamFan]

"Should I say it's causing arguments between myself and DH?"

Yes because if it isn't quite yet it soon will be! This situation sounds like it is about control but, no matter what the motives, a woman has the right to keep other people's mitts off her undies!

[HappyFlappy]

DH knows he has to remove them immediately I say the words "They have to go now."

A secret code! Excellent!!!

[NotYoda]

Sorry if this interferes with the old Evil MIL narrative, though

[NotYoda]

"It doesn't matter if dementia is a factor or not"

Er... yes it does. Because if you don't realise someone has dementia, then something like this could be a signal. And you get a diagnosis and help.