MIL doing odd "helpful" things in my house

[Mirander]

I've been married to DH for ten years so should be better at this by now. My MIL is generally lovely but very over sensitive and cries at anything- happy, sad, a cat crossing the road etc etc which can make talking to her about any issue tricky as obviously I don't want to upset her and it's easier to upset her than most. She likes to make herself helpful in our home and it's help I don't want but feel she likes to feel involved and DH likes it so after a few tense discussions at the start when she would fold my knickers up I thought we had established some very fuzzy boundaries.

The strange thing with MIL is she always says to me to tell her if I don't like anything and she won't do it. I told her I don't like her going in my bedside drawers. She told me I was being silly and she was just helping. I told her about four times I wasn't comfortable with it and she eventually agreed not to go in. She then put some washing in there and I told her again to stop it and she said she hadn't done it so I convinced myself it must have been me.

I got back from a work trip yesterday and she's taken my shoes off the shoe rack and put them in in my wardrobe (left all DHs shoes of course). DH called her and asked her why and she said it was because there wasn't enough space for her shoes on the hooks. What? She doesn't live here by the way!

She means well but it's like banging my head against a brick wall- what can I do it's driving me crazy?

[Batgirlspants]

Fucking hell op how bloody annoying.

I have 2 dils and am hyper sensitive to not encroach. I would never ever go upstairs unless babysitting and I texted her to ask if it was ok to pop round while they were at work to pick up my bag as had left it there by mistake. Thry laugh at me and say not to be silly but I think boundaries are all in a good relationship.

I would get dh to tell her any more of this and the key goes.

[woodhill]

My own dm would never interfere in my home or move things around. It is so wrong.

MIL would Hoover or dry up which is great not go in my room.

[Batgirlspants]

I think nokids is quite right really it's your house too.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

People who throw a good pity party for themselves every time they're challenged are not "more upset" on the inside than people who accept challenges with grace, they're just better at manipulating the situation in their favour is all.

Brilliantly put. This should be on mugs and on a nice happy pictured internet meme to go viral.

If your dh is happy for her to rummage about in your things, THAT is the first and biggest problem. He doesn't get to decide what privacy you're allowed from his dm, or who you have to let handle your knickers! Tell him he's way out of line, tell her too, and since you've done the explaining and asking nicely, now ask for the key back since she can't respect those boundaries.

She will cry. But her issues with poor emotional skills does not automatically mean you've done something wrong, or that everyone should have to walk on eggshells around her.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I'm too tired these days to deal with shit. I'd cut to the chase and tell DH to get the key back or go & live with his mother. And I'd mean it.

[Misstic]

Could she be suffering from dementia? Her behaviour sounds out and from what I gather, she this behaviour is relatively new.

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

nokidshere: Who are all these women who need their husbands to speak for them? OP doesn't have a DH problem she has a communication problem.

OP has already communicated her boundaries to the MIL multiple times and been ignored. OP's MIL is her husband's mother. Her DH is undermining her by saying that the behaviour is okay, and enabling it further by allowing continued access to the house. Any parent who is already crossing boundaries is going to take the word of their own child (especially if it's one they want to hear) over their child's spouse. The behaviour isn't okay and OP's DH needs to accept that his wife should be able to set boundaries in her own home which he should then back up and communicate to his own mother. That isn't a man doing the speaking up for his wife. That's the adult child dealing with their own parent and standing by their spouse.

[eddielizzard]

totally inappropriate. she really shouldn't have a key if she can't respect your privacy or boundaries.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Interesting that she cries so easily. Like she can do it at will, almost.

I do not think your MIL is lovely at all. I think she likes to sow discord between you and your DH. She knows he will stick up for her, so all she's got to do is something that you have asked her not to do.

Either you will complain to your husband, he will stick up for her, you will be unhappy. Or, you will deliberately not mention it to him because you don't enjoy banging your head on a brick wall, and you will simmer with resentment - and be unhappy.

Don't look at what she says - look at the inevitable results of her actions. That is what tells you who she is and what she wants.

Get the key off her. Or if that's likely to prove difficult, change the locks (new barrel for a Yale-type is about £10) and issue your husband with a single key and a stern warning if he gets it copied and gives it to her. He will want to - she's been training him since birth to comply to her wishes. But this is your home, and she doesn't need to access it when you're not there.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Mirander, you do need to get the key back, possibly without the tears.
Here's how ! Next time DH is out of town/the house, go round, tell her you've lost your key, could you borrow hers, tell her she's an angel 😄
Never give her a key again, but you'll have to sort your DH out ! 🙄😀

[Sunnymeg]

Get the locks changed. We had this with my MIL and she had had a spare key cut,just in case she ever had to give the original back. My mother in law would let herself in and go through our correspondence as well as rearrange things in the house. My mother in law was of a controlling nature and would tell all manner of lies to justify her behaviour. OP you have my sympathies.

[GoodDayToYou]

I completely agree with everyone else here: boundaries are GOOD! I think you should change the locks.

If that feels too big, I would get a nannycam for the bedroom alongside a variety of gay sex toys (that'll teach dh about boundaries) and whatever else you fancy. Inside the wardrobe door, hang a skeleton by the neck with a note saying:

"Private!
You are being recorded.
Please leave our house keys on the side before you leave."

(I might have got a bit carried away with the whole skeleton hanging by the neck thing. Maybe just change the locks.)

[Lucywithout]

Go to her house and ask which is her knicker drawer as you need to tidy it up like yours. When she refuses this "So why have you ignored my requests to leave my bedroom untouched?" she thinks of you as children and needs to learn you are adult.
Yes she will get upset but that is because she has stamped on your clear boundaries. Why does DH think it is ok for his wife to be upset but not his mum. Practise tearful reproach to both. More upset than her!

[bluebelltippytoes]

Ugh! My XP's mother used to come through the door, march up the stairs, empty the laundry basket and put a load in the washing maching. In the end, I used to hide any outstanding washing in my car.

If she continues to do it just remove the key. As people getting older they seem to be immune to other people's boundaries. Odd.

[Batgirlspants]

No blue that's unfair to older people and a let out.

And what do you mean by old? 50 like me? That's not old how very dare you and I adore my dils. Or 60? Come on rude is just rude at 20 or 70.

[nokidshere]

OP has already communicated her boundaries to the MIL multiple times and been ignored. OP's MIL is her husband's mother. Her DH is undermining her by saying that the behaviour is okay, and enabling it further by allowing continued access to the house. Any parent who is already crossing boundaries is going to take the word of their own child (especially if it's one they want to hear) over their child's spouse. The behaviour isn't okay and OP's DH needs to accept that his wife should be able to set boundaries in her own home which he should then back up and communicate to his own mother. That isn't a man doing the speaking up for his wife. That's the adult child dealing with their own parent and standing by their spouse.

obviously not clearly enough if she is still doing it after years of being asked not to.

Since the DH is clearly not bothered by it then the OP should sit them both down at the same time and spell it out so there can be no misunderstandings.

"MIL & DH it is absolutely unacceptable for anyone, including you, to be touching my private things and going near my bedroom, this is the last time I am going to talk about this, if it happens again the locks will be changed and you will not be welcome anymore."

[bluebelltippytoes]

As people get older.... NOT old people, Batgirl.

Do you have a problem with your DILs rearranging your knicker drawer? No, I thought not.... and you are only slightly older than me....

[Whereismumhiding2]

I now realise she isn't staying with you but lives nearby... And has a key to your house.

I cannot say this loudly enough!! .... ( as i am hopping mad on your behalf OP!)... Take the key back from her, she is abusing it!!

If your DH doesn't agree then add a mortice lock to the door!! She doesn't get a key to it!! It is your home!

She has no reason to be in your house when you are not there. She is noseying, prying, meddling with your stuff and going through your bedside drawers!! FFS ! How you haven't shouted at her, i do not know!?! What about your privacy??!!!

Helpful is ... on request- walking your dog, feeding your cats, running hoover round downstairs, mopping kitchen, bringing your washing in off the line as it's raining and you rang her. Folding it neatly on the side. NOT NOT EVER is helpful ' going into your private bedroom and -God no! Not !- your bedroom drawers! And you told her not to anyway (a normal respectful person wouldn't have anyway without being told!). And she's still doing it!

Why she thinks it's ok to let herself into your house and meddle and pry when you are out i do not know! Forget 'she cries easily', I'd make her filuping cry!!! My neighbours would hear me roar with indignation!!

Please reclaim your privacy and sanity!!

If you won't, then go round her house and rifle through her knicker drawer, and get them all out into the lounge laid out in piles, say 'i am just trying to help you decide which are servicable ones and which need replacing... I've put an order in to Bigknickersareus to replace these here at size (¥) , and I'm just trying to be HELPFUL!" *

*Don't really do this! But thought makes you smile ?

[RortyCrankle]

It's intolerable and I would totally ignore the fact that she will cry - she will do it regardless. I think she probably considers your house to be her son's house and she is marking it like a dog peeing up a tree. I see it's only your things she moves around - she's telling you that she is more important than you are and your DH is reinforcing that by not taking away her key and telling her to stop.

Tell your DH to grow the fuck up and support you. Next time you are all together you need to say that you have asked her nicely and repeatedly not to go through your things. As she appears incapable of doing this then you must insist on the key being returned. Ignore the hysterics that will ensue and firmly insist. I would then change the locks because I bet she has had a spare made.

Good luck and let us know how you get on OP.

[emmyhNL]

We gave our key to the inlaws to put out the bins on bin day whilst we were away.

It took 4 times of coming back of things being changed (cleaning the kitchen, putting up random stuff in the garden, hoovering, changing around the cutlery draw) that I flipped and said if they do it again, I'll demand the key back. They've been good since luckily. Make sure you have your DH onside for it though. My DH is so laid back he's horizontal and it doesn't bother him in the slightest but it was an intrusion to my home too so he backed me up

[Mirander]

Thank you everyone some of the replies on this thread have really made me smile.

Yes she has a key and lives nearby. She definitely sees the house as her son's house and therefore wants it to be an extension of hers. She tries to leave her personal items here like the odd pair of shoes or her books (that's she is reading at the moment) and sometimes puts a top in with our washing- when I asked DH why her t shirt was in our washing he said he asked her and she said it's the top she likes to wear when she's in our house! I could go on.

DH doesn't see it like me at all as he doesn't care about boundaries with his mum I'll have to go directly to her and he really really firm. If it doesn't work I'll have to resort to drastic measures.

I did say to DH "how would she feel if I went to her home and cleared out her wardrobe to make space for some of my stuff?" Just to try and get him to see how weird it all is. She isn't willing to let go of looking after him (he's 40) and just can't help herself.

[Seeingadistance]

You say she sees her son's house as an extension of hers. I started thinking a while back in this thread that she actually sees her son as an extension of herself.

The top thing is really weird. I assume she didn't go home in her bra, so she must have brought or worn another top the day she put her top in the wash. Her top that she likes to wear when she's at your house!!! Did your DH not think that was every so slightly bizarre?

[Parker231]

Get the locks changed!

[happypoobum]

OK, so will DH support you if you change the locks?

Why is she letting herself into your home? I just don't get it......