To politely decline wedding invite

[ArialAnna]

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

Like RNBrie I've been to mainly awful evening dos.

One where about 15 of us had to loiter in the hallway for half an hour while 100 guests finished the meal (why bother with so few of us?)

Another where everyone was smashed and saying what a great day it had been

And the worst where we turned up and everyone spent the whole time sitting in their dinner seats while a jazz band played but there was nowhere for us to sit. So we hovered round for half an hour and went home without even finding the bride and groom!

On the other hand the BEST was a hog roast and ceildh - despite me being veggie - as only 20 had gone to the ceremony and formal dinner. The grandma's and aunties had gone home and about 100 of us arrived and rocked the night away! That was the right way round IMO!

No invitation of any kind here, not even the expected evening one! 🎉 The wedding I am trying to avoid is an overnight stay or a 3 hour round trip. Sod that.

One where about 15 of us had to loiter in the hallway for half an hour while 100 guests finished the meal (why bother with so few of us?)

Yes, this, absolutely. I don't really like the concept of evening guests at all (I always just think about how astonishingly rude it would be to have two tiers of guest for any other kind of party), but I sort of understand it if you're having, say, thirty people to dinner and then fifty to the evening. But that's not what people normally seem to do. They have a hundred for dinner and then an extra twenty turn up for a drink - how are those people possibly not going to feel like an afterthought?

@Maireadplastic I think there is some confusion about what is meant by an "evening invitation".

You refer to it as for people who live fairly locally, those for whom it's convenient to pop to the ceremony and then come back to the evening do. That's not an evening invitation. That's an invitation saying come to the ceremony and the evening do (but fuck off and get your own meal in-between). This may be acceptable in some societies but not generally in Britain so far as I am aware.

Evening invite = enjoy your Saturday to yourself and come for a drink at about 7. Slightly less rude than the above.

And for the avoidance of doubt - my experience is as follows:

The "come for a drink at 7" aka "evening invite" is common in Britain.

The "come see my dress then fuck off and get your own food but come back for bevvying later" invitation - not v common in Britain. Probably because a lot of brides don't get married in their local church but in some stately home miles away where you can't really expect people to piss off and find a McDonalds in their wedding get-up.

Dh invited two 'friends of friends' to our wedding in the evening, only one came without his wife which we were surprised at and were saying how nice he came etc etc. Turned out he was having a 4 year affair with one of the other guests.

I'd just politely decline and say I'm sorry something has come up and you can't make it.