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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline wedding invite

206 replies

ArialAnna · 12/04/2017 10:29

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 13/04/2017 20:47

Chickencurry, I think, uh, that is exactly how it works. I've been to plenty where one goes to the church then if you are not close family, you disappear for a few hours then return for the evening celebration. Most people can't seat 200 in their houses for a formal meal but want the couples friends to join the celebration. It's quite nice, time to potter around doing your own thing, have a meal etc.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/04/2017 22:20

Well pardon me but I'm not talking about other cultures, I'm talking about British weddings. As, I think, are most people on the thread.

And it's not just any old curry, it's Vindaloo, thanks.

Shockers · 13/04/2017 22:25

I don't agree that it's like a night in the pub. Couples who can't afford the £80-100 per head for the wedding breakfast (which they often feel obliged to invite Auntie Jean and Uncle Len to), might really want other people (who they genuinely like) to come to their party, with food and entertainment provided!

If someone you liked invited you to their 30/40/50...th, with a buffet, singer/dj, would you think that was nice... or would you wonder why they hadn't invited you to the intimate family meal?

WomanStanley · 13/04/2017 22:27

There are loads of posts about weddings on mumsnet. Lots of posts about how behaviours are grabby and entitled and people being annoyed their kids can't come or they've only been invited to the night do.

Here's what I think about weddings:

They're always great unless you feel one of the party is abusive.

Always buy a really expensive gift (the best you can afford) even if you've contributed in other ways.

Respect the people who are getting married and any weird quirks they have about procedure and protocol and wishes.

Because weddings are ace, unless one or both parties are abusive. And because quite frankly you aren't important enough to be able to impact a day commemorating two people forsaking all others and hoping against the odds that they'll be together forever.

I'm not even particularly romantic and I've been married 17 years and had a cheap one because we had no money. So not a new entitled bride.

I just don't get people who don't wish a couple well on something that's up to them.

If it was me I'd go to the night do and feel really flattered if I got any sort of invite and I'd also feel the residual joy I experience when I see a wedding I'm driving past.

Maireadplastic · 13/04/2017 22:47

British weddings for British people?! Bloody hell, ChickenV!

Jeaniusly · 13/04/2017 22:51

I don't mind evening invites at all..

As long as they are within a taxi ride from our house.

Anything else forget it.

dnwig · 13/04/2017 22:56

I quite like an evening invitation. Have always been able to go to the ceremony, have a wander round the area if it's a pleasant one, then find a nice place to have dinner (more relaxing than wedding dinner!) then go to the party. Could you do something like that?

Shockers · 13/04/2017 22:58

I can't find where chicken said British weddings were only for British people.

Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 23:00

Can't you? I can.

Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 23:01

Or rather; British weddings are different

Astro55 · 13/04/2017 23:05

I, am streets ahead with Netflix whilst they drink wine out of plastic cups. I know who's winning

That's the saddest thing I've read today!

#gomakesomememories

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/04/2017 23:08

God some of you really don't get dry humour, do you?!

user1485636716 · 13/04/2017 23:10

I think being disappointed it is an evening only invite is unreasonable. I know with my wedding we only invited family and the bridal party to the wedding breakfast but as it was a smallish wedding, we still only invited people we wanted to be there for the evening. So be flattered that he wants you there and maybe ask on the quiet how he'd feel if you came to the ceremony as well as the evening reception, making it clear you intend to go elsewhere for a meal, but that you'd love to see the actual legal bit. After all, there will be a dress to admire or critique.
As for the mother in law, I'm sure she'd happily have more quality time with a beloved grandchild.

Jeaniusly · 13/04/2017 23:12

Eloping would mean no more of these kind of threads. Yay.

Rioja123 · 13/04/2017 23:15

Just decline. If they've only invited you to the evening part it's not like they are going to miss you anyway. Sorry that sounds a bit harsh written down butyou know what I mean!

Jeaniusly · 13/04/2017 23:15

We need a thread where it all worked out FOR THE GUESTS!

Seems to me that some guests can be hard work.

Shockers · 13/04/2017 23:19

Of course British weddings are 'different.' Every culture has its own way of doing things!

Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 23:25

Of course. But Chicken claimed she wasn't talking about other cultures where evening do's are the norm, but British culture where they aren't.

Devonsent19 · 13/04/2017 23:26

Ten years ago a close friend I'd known since primary school got married for the second time.We gone out as single girls for years and she was desperate to get married after her divorce.My DP & I were sent evening only invites as "you probably won't be able to get a babysitter".DS was 14 months old & my parents were on hand to babysit anytime.It was a child free wedding yet they had 7 children between them plus other close friends brought their kids too.
We turned up at 7pm and were met by the bride & groom who gushed what an amazing day it had been & regaled us with every detail.It was rather like arriving for the last scene of a play knowing you'd missed the best bits.Everyone was merry if not totally pissed.But that didn't bother me.The thing that I felt more keenly was the warm,almost afterglow,of an event shared.But we'd been deliberately excluded from this elite club & when we arrived later it was almost as an afterthought.We didn't have a great evening & I've never seen my friend again since.
So I wouldn't waste your time on an evening only do.IMO You feel like a second class citizen.Make your excuses & use your babysitting for something more exhilarating

Ulli58 · 13/04/2017 23:33

You are not being unreasonable to politely decline. You could say that due to unforeseen circumstances you are no longer able to come.

Insomnibrat · 13/04/2017 23:45

I'm with the Netflix girl on the subject of all 'events'. Introverts unite!

ilovechocolate07 · 13/04/2017 23:46

Politely decline. We were invited to eve do of a wedding that was about an hour and a a half away. If it had been closer we'd have gone but it's too far just for an evening do (where most people have been drinking all day).

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/04/2017 23:52

Thanks, brat! I enjoy picking my toenails whilst watching the Tudors with the cat. Way more than talking to a drunk uncle in a hotel .

Jeaniusly · 13/04/2017 23:54

My criteria for the "afters" is... if it is within taxi journey, ok, if not, decline politely. They won't care.

If they did, it would have been full invite. Ain't that the truth.

Astro55 · 14/04/2017 00:07

decline politely. They won't care.

If they did, it would have been full invite

A fair number of my friends are from large families it is expected to invite every aunt cousin and great uncle thrice removed - friends get relegated to evening dos -

That's fine - I have friends who are like family but their day and they do what's expected

I think given a choice they'd only invite friends - and just have a party

People really do get upperty about weddings!

Stop thinking about pecking order and go and wish your friends a happy marriage