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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline wedding invite

206 replies

ArialAnna · 12/04/2017 10:29

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

OP posts:
vinoandbrie · 12/04/2017 14:40

I got an evening only invite this year for a wedding several hours' drive away. It included a request for money in place of gifts.

I politely declined!

JaneEyre70 · 12/04/2017 14:40

I wouldn't travel that far for an evening do. Evening receptions only really tend to work if there are lots of new arrivals - everyone else has been there all day, tired and bored from all the standing around whilst endless photos are taken, and if they've had a drink they're either pissed or falling asleep.
Not my idea of a good night out!!

PoorYorick · 12/04/2017 14:41

Ah sorry, I missed "hamandmustard* answering the question. We didn't have any evening only invites for our wedding...yay! But my awful cousin did, so I'm better than she is - double yay!

terrylene · 12/04/2017 14:42

I went to one that was fine - 17 year old friend from school - we went to the ceremony, and then the families had a meal together, then the do in the church hall was the main event.

Another was a colleague of DH's which was just over the road from us - didn't know a soul, wish we hadn't gone.

Another was a uni friend. 2 hr drive, definitely felt like we had arrived at the end of the party, buffet minimal. There were friends there who had come from London, gone to the ceremony then kicked their heels all day so I am glad we went for their sake. Saw the groom briefly and never met the bride. We got a round robin every Christmas from her telling us about the people at the church and her relatives! I sent one of my own one year and it stopped after that Hmm. Grin

sparechange · 12/04/2017 14:42

You don't get evening only invites in upper middle and upper class circles

William and Kate had different guest lists for the church and evening!
And I've been to a veh smart wedding with minor royalty in attendance where they had evening guests

Rather than seeing it as 'you weren't good enough for them to buy you a meal', it is usually, 'under normal circumstances, you don't know them well enough to be invited, but they like you so have found a way to squeeze you in and buy you a drink'

Evening guests have, in my experience, been work colleagues, sports team-mates etc - not people who would traditionally been invited to a wedding anyway.

Only on MN do people see it as a snub. In the real world, people are happy for a bit of a party, even if it means a drive. Just like they would if it was a 40th

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 12/04/2017 14:43

Littlecaf: Oh go, enjoy yourself! Can't everyone just be nice to each other?!

There's "being nice" and then there's a five hour roundtrip for what is, essentially, a glorified pub-trip for a distant acquaintance who probably wouldn't miss them if they weren't there.

It's a nice thing to be invited!

Sure, but the invite being "a nice thing" doesn't obligate OP to put herself to massive inconvenience.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 12/04/2017 14:43

Another one who doesnt get evening as youve missed the wedding service

I come at this from the opposite direction. I'm fine with the idea that the bride and groom can't afford to have everyone there all day. If you don't have an evening do there will be people you'd love to see on your special day, and people who would love to see you on that day, for whom the alternative is not being invited at all.

I've enjoyed the evening dos I've been to, and have always spoken to and spent time with the B&G.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 12/04/2017 14:45

Tell him you'll raise a glass for him at home, OP. If he takes your non-attendance as a major affront then he's not worth the five hour drive anyway.

MegMez · 12/04/2017 14:46

If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't. From your post I'd say you don't want to go.

We've had lovely times at evening dos - one that stands out was when I was pregnant and it was a New Years wedding - it really didn't matter that I was sober, I could still dance in the disco, get dolled up and spend time with friends. My husband splashed out on a night at the hotel and it was a lovely treat to stay away from our older kids and have a posh breakfast the next day.

We asked some people to just our evening for numbers and space reasons but they were all local. Some came to the service (it was a huge church so anyone was welcome - I was happy for church ladies, mums of friends and old teachers and mums from toddler groups to come along for the service) then went and had a pub lunch and a day in the sun before the evening do.

Anyone else you know going? Team up with them for a meal out and a catch up in the day. At weddings guests barely spend time with the couple anyway!

hamandmustard · 12/04/2017 14:46

William and Kate had different guest lists for the church and evening!

Not quite the same thing.
That was because their wedding services was a public state event. Guest were invited due to social protocol (heads of state etc)

And I've been to a veh smart wedding with minor royalty in attendance where they had evening guests
smart wedding and money doesn't indicate class though?

PoorYorick · 12/04/2017 14:49

William and Kate had different guest lists for the church and evening!

Nooo! I didn't have evening guests! I'm common!

Rather than seeing it as 'you weren't good enough for them to buy you a meal', it is usually, 'under normal circumstances, you don't know them well enough to be invited, but they like you so have found a way to squeeze you in and buy you a drink'....Only on MN do people see it as a snub.

Stop giving sensible and thoughtful responses to ridiculous MN class obsession. It won't do!

hamandmustard · 12/04/2017 14:49

William and Kate had different guest lists for the church and evening!

Theirs was the opposite. Everyone was invited to the ceremony. not everyone was invited to the after events. Most people were just invited to the abbey.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 14:51

'Only on MN do people see it as a snub. In the real world, people are happy for a bit of a party, even if it means a drive. Just like they would if it was a 40th'

In the real world, plenty of people decline 'a bit of a party' that involves a drive or lots of travel.

A lot of these evening do's are an afterthought, so no food, buy all drinks oh, and hand over a wodge of cash, too.

sparechange · 12/04/2017 14:55

smart wedding and money doesn't indicate class though

Pedants corner is that way --->

I am happy to clarify it was a solidly upper-middle-class 4-generations-of-family-as-officers-in-the-same-regiment-held-on-the-family-estate sort of wedding

And Prince William's wedding wasn't a state event, because he wasn't next in line to the throne
But they most definitely tiered the guests into those who they were obliged to invite and those they wanted to have a proper celebration with

Original poster
ArialAnna · 12/04/2017 14:55

I'm not offended at only being invited to the evening - as I said I didn't expect to be invited at all. It's more I feel awkward at declining having verbally accepted beforehand.

Fundamentally I don't really want to go to the evening only because loud music and dancing just aren't my thing any more.

Think I'll do as people suggest and say the babysitting has fallen through.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 12/04/2017 14:56

If I was invited for drinks for someone's 40th, when there was an A list crowd going for dinner first; I'd decline that too.

hamandmustard · 12/04/2017 14:59

But they most definitely tiered the guests into those who they were obliged to invite and those they wanted to have a proper celebration with

Some were just tea and a cake in westminster hall/similar after the service I think. No bride or groom in attendance

I declined an invitation to a royal wedding once. I haven't regretted it.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 12/04/2017 14:59

I'd not go simply because of the hassle. Just send a card.

EmilyByTheRiver · 12/04/2017 15:00

Dh is upper class (like,properly upper class with titled relatives and and the rest)and we had family only to the registry office (they had a limit of 30 due to zoning / fire safety whatevers) and then we had everyone else to the actual party bit.

I am hoping that no-one saw it as a snub. I'd never met most of his family before we married, and have/ had no family in the UK so was trying to muddle along as I went.

Most people still talk to us though.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2017 15:03

He should have been honest and told you it was the evening part. If yiur not close and don't want to go, don't!

NinonDeLenclos · 12/04/2017 15:08

It's slightly different if it's a registry office because they tend to be small, and family only means you aren't dividing friends into good enough and not good enough.

NinonDeLenclos · 12/04/2017 15:12

BeIIatrixLeStrange - I wouldn't invite a work colleague I didn't see socially, nor would I go to their wedding. Problem solved.

Devilishpyjamas · 12/04/2017 15:17

It's an invitation not a summons. Go if you want to, decline if you don't.

I have been to upper class weddings with evening dos. So to sit there feeling terribly above everyone because you didn't have an evening do is a bit odd.

As pp's have said it's only mumsnet that sees an evening invitation as a snub.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/04/2017 15:31

And I've been to a veh smart wedding with minor royalty in attendance where they had evening guests

As has DH and the royals weren't minor.

There is nothing wrong with evening guests.

Youdontwanttodothat · 12/04/2017 15:36

I didn't have evening only guests at my wedding because I thought it was rude. So regret it now - fresh faces, fresh mood, bit of a laugh.