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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline wedding invite

206 replies

ArialAnna · 12/04/2017 10:29

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

OP posts:
Jeaniusly · 14/04/2017 00:18

Astro.

If the venue for After crowd is convenient and local that is absolutely fine. Have done it.

But no way would I travel 2.5 hours for an afters as OP said. WTF

PinkCrystal · 14/04/2017 00:32

I wouldn't go to evening only unless it was very local.

CountessWindyBottom · 14/04/2017 00:53

I think evening invitations are incredibly rude and grabby. Have the wedding you can afford and invite the people you wish. This tosh of half inviting people is bloody ridiculous so you'd be mad to even bother.

Maireadplastic · 14/04/2017 07:39

ChickenV, I was trying to broaden the discussion and show people instances where evening invitations are standard practise. You shut it down with your British thing. I was born and brought up in London, this is the first time I've been dismissed in this way. Quite something ChickenV....or maybe I'm missing your dry humour/banter.

Anyway, it occurs to me that evening invitations are usually extended to people who live fairly locally, those for whom it's convenient to pop to the ceremony and then come back to the evening do.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 14/04/2017 08:01

I always find it odd that some people are more offended at being invited to the evening do than they would be had they not been invited at all. And to assume you're only invited because you'll bring a present is just horrible.

Anyway OP, YANBU to politely decline if it's going to be a pain. I would go if only to catch up with old friends, but then I love weddings (including those where I've only been invited to the evening do).

Headofthehive55 · 14/04/2017 08:12

British wedding do have a culture of friends to evening only. Well lots of the ones I've been to.
It's normal.
I have been to ones a long way away, but also have declined.

treaclesoda · 14/04/2017 08:16

In my experience of weddings, evening only invites are very normal and I don't find them rude. But all the ones I have been invited to have also been very casual - no RSVP required, and no one is offended if you don't show up.

I think it is fine to decline the invitation.

SoupDragon · 14/04/2017 08:24

I'm talking about British weddings

I have only been to British weddings. They have all had evening only guests.

CookieWarbler · 14/04/2017 08:29

Every wedding I have ever been to has had evening guests. It's perfectly normal! Some people do love finding something to get offended over. 'Grabby', 'only invited to fill up the venue' and 'not important enough to attend the proper wedding' - wow, I'm pretty cynical day to day but I've never once thought this about any evening invite I've had.
I'm getting married in 2 weeks. We're having close friends and family at the ceremony in the afternoon, no sit down meal but canapés and drinks so that we could spend the money on a cracking celebratory party for lots of other people we like (work friends, school parent friends, hobby friends etc) who we'd love to have a party with.
We have a charity gift list and are sticking money behind the bar, have hired some excellent entertainers and have upped the money on the buffet so all guests get a good feed. Glad to know we're just grabby and don't really give a shit about our evening guests then...Hmm

Alconleigh · 14/04/2017 08:38

I'd only consider attending an evening do if it were under an hour away. I've been to two in the past and they were fairly rubbish from my perspective; joining a party half way through isn't that great.

I wouldn't be stroppy about it, I would just decline. One did teach me a lesson in not ignoring my instincts; it was a colleague who I actually didn't have a lot in common with, the invite caught me on the hop and I didn't have the courage to back out gracefully. It was kind of her to include me, but if you don't actually care a lot about the bride or groom, you shouldn't really be there, in my view.

I very much like the sound of these shorter US weddings. I think the whole multi day, far flung country house hotel, hundreds of pounds to attend UK thing has got out of hand and fuels a lot of resentment from guests.

I suspect we might see some more modest weddings when we're in full blown post Brexit recession and scrapping over turnips though, so every cloud.......

PoorYorick · 14/04/2017 09:44

I usually find that evening guests means the couple want to include these people in their celebration, but do not have the money to accommodate all those people for the entire day.

I bet that if they did have the money and spent it thus, all the pissants would be complaining that they were being vulgar and flashy.

So as with anything wedding related, you may as well do what you actually want and can afford, because some idiot somewhere is always going to whinge.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2017 09:45

And yes, of course you can decline the invitation.

pollymere · 14/04/2017 10:03

We invited people to the ceremony and evening to save confusion. You could do that and use the afternoon part to see a movie or go for a coffee or have lunch just the two of you. You could also politely decline saying that unfortunately MIL is now unable to babysit.

hellejuice91 · 14/04/2017 10:04

On one hand you have already told him that you would go - So I can see why he might me a little disappointed if you didn't come. I am surprised that as you are not that close you expected to go the whole thing. Two guest lists are very common

divadee · 14/04/2017 10:22

I decline all evening only invites now. I have been to so many that have cost a lot of money to attend with outfits and hotels and travel costs and presents etc.... the last one we didn't even have any food!!

I want to see the wedding. I'm not fussed about the receptions. But I love a good wedding and seeing the groom clap eyes on the bride for the first time in her dress. I'm an old romantic at heart.

josCS · 14/04/2017 11:07

I think evening invites are fine if it's local friends but if you live a long way away or have to book a hotel it's a bit much to expect someone to attend just in the evening.

I went to a friends Wedding that was evening only. Same thing happened sent save the date, can you come so lots of us said yes we would love to come. We then all got evening only invites despite the fact that we all had to travel well over 3hours to get there, book hotels, taxis etc... We had all said yes to save the date so felt we all should go.

The invite didn't say anything much but having never been to an evening invite wedding we had assumed there would be food etc.... We got there at 7 it was a pub with no food and we had to buy our own drinks and got some crisps. The bride and groom didn't turn up until after 9 as they were finishing off the free booze at the wedding breakfast somewhere else.... The groom (our friend) was quite embarrassed when he finally appeared. He bought us all drinks and some limp sandwiches and cold fried chicken was produced at 10pm.

It was a very long way to go to and very expensive for a few hours in not a particularly nice pub! I will never again go to an evening invite only wedding again unless it's local and make sure I eat first!

TheNaze73 · 14/04/2017 12:12

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I prefer the evenings to the days with weddings

expatinscotland · 14/04/2017 13:02

'Couples who can't afford the £80-100 per head for the wedding breakfast (which they often feel obliged to invite Auntie Jean and Uncle Len to), might really want other people (who they genuinely like) to come to their party, with food and entertainment provided!

If someone you liked invited you to their 30/40/50...th, with a buffet, singer/dj, would you think that was nice... or would you wonder why they hadn't invited you to the intimate family meal?'

Then have something cheaper? It's not a 'breakfast' anyhow, it's in the middle of the day or lunch. Why does it have to last all fucking day and night? That's why I mostly decline invitations to British weddings, who the hell wants to get up early at the weekend to spend 12 hours in Dullsville? And it's why so many decline 'no kids' ones, because the damn thing last forever, now some want to have these dramas that last for days, not just a few hours adn done and dusted. Netflix, indeed!

Wedding evening do's are nothing like a 30/40/50 birthday party because there's only one event, not a 'formal meal' (why are people so hooked on this?) for a few beforehand and all sorts of drama and then a crap afterthought.

So often, the evening do is utter crap: no food or a few bowls of nibbles (one person on here served nothing but bowls of Haribo and lollies and cake at hers, another said they were providing nothing to eat because their caterers claimed it all goes to waste), expensive drinks, shit for entertainment. And all too often now, the invitation includes a tout for a cash 'gift', and/or require lots of travel and overnight stay. C'mon!

Andylion · 14/04/2017 15:37

*Everyone apart from parents, the bridesmaid and best man have been invited as evening only guests to our wedding.

If they cant/won't come, that's not my problem.*

That's the spirit! Hmm

Floggingmolly · 14/04/2017 15:41

God, who said that?? Are you feeding the Z listers evening crowd? Or just expecting them to rock up with a present for you and boost the bars profits?

Andylion · 14/04/2017 15:43

If someone you liked invited you to their 30/40/50...th, with a buffet, singer/dj, would you think that was nice... or would you wonder why they hadn't invited you to the intimate family meal?

I think the better comparison to an evening only invite would be if a friend had a 30/40/50th, where only a few guests had attended an earlier party with a buffet, singer/dj, and you were were asked to attend the after party that had a cash bar, stale nuts and someone's iPod playlist.

expatinscotland · 14/04/2017 15:49

It was a poster on here, Flogging. Yep, not serving any food because the caterers said it just goes to waste. Tight-fisted, more like, except when it comes to telling the guests they want their money.

And the other one, bowls of sweeties, shortbread and cake. Goes so well with beer, wine and cocktails, n'est-ce pas?

'Oh, it all costs so much!' Only if you don't use your imagination and think outside the box.

Plenty of people on here, however, have had invitations specifying that their presence is wanted at the ceremony, then they need to fuck off till the evening do. And it involves travel, hiring sitters and the requisite, 'Your presence is our present . . . ' Just kidding! We want money.

Astro55 · 14/04/2017 16:00

Some people do love finding something to get offended over

This with bells on!

Andylion · 14/04/2017 16:04

Floggingmolly , are you asking about my post, at 15:37? The quote is from Naj84 at 19:48, yesterday.

Floggingmolly · 14/04/2017 16:10

Yes I was, Andy. Missed that one completely!
Had a couple of no's. There's a surprise...

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