Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline wedding invite

206 replies

ArialAnna · 12/04/2017 10:29

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

OP posts:
JennyOnAPlate · 12/04/2017 15:37

Yanbu to decline op. You don't even need to give a reason (or a simple the babysitter fell through would suffice).

I'm in a similar dilemma at the moment; we got a save the date card months ago and we told the bride (work colleague of dh's) that we'd love to attend. Then the invitation turns up and it's evening only, a 2 hour drive away, "dress to impress" and child free. Dh is dithering over it but I really don't want to go!

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 15:39

'Then the invitation turns up and it's evening only, a 2 hour drive away, "dress to impress" and child free. Dh is dithering over it but I really don't want to go!'

Nah, fuck that. I'd refuse to go and if he wants to, he goes alone.

Astro55 · 12/04/2017 15:43

Decline. Evening invites arent worth attending, IMO

I have no problem going to an evening do - many friends have married with family only and then friends in the evening! Much nicer to mingle than sit with Aunt Edna and listen to Uncle Bob!!

AND many getting married already have children and aren't so flush!

Floggingmolly · 12/04/2017 15:44

Dress to impress? Hmm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 15:48

Genuine question - why so much angst on these threads about excuses and dithering about whether to go? Unless you are the bride or groom, I'm sure your presence isn't that important to the fay

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 15:48

*day so go or don't go (that's not just to the OP, this seems to be a constant thing, especially with no child weddings etc)

JennyOnAPlate · 12/04/2017 16:55

I'm glad I'm not the only one to Hmm at dress to impress floggingmolly. I feel like I need to ask the bride what that actually means! I'm guessing jeans and a top won't cut it, which would mean having to buy a bloody dress (I don't do dresses).

I think I'll do what expat suggests and tell dh if he's that bothered he can go on his own.

derxa · 12/04/2017 16:56

I was invited to the evening only of a wedding last year. I was really touched to be included at all, as I knew money was tight. It was 3 hours away, though I stayed with family locally so no hotel costs. I asked the couple if I could attend the wedding ceremony then come back later, and they were delighted. Stop being so bloody lovely! Grin

JennyOnAPlate · 12/04/2017 16:58

The dithering in our case livia is because when we received the save the date we told the bride we would be attending and we're looking forward to it. There was no indication at that point that it would be evening only, or that the dc wouldn't be invited.

Floggingmolly · 12/04/2017 17:02

I think a save the date card for what turns out to be an evening invitation only is actually very socially inept.
As are being invites complete with gift lists...

ToastyFingers · 12/04/2017 17:15

Generally speaking, I decline an evening only invite, if it's more than a reasonable taxi ride away, as it's no fun if one of you has to be the designated driver.
I'd be happy to book a hotel or whatever for a full days invite though.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 17:20

The save the date evening invite with dress instructions and childfree is a no brainer. He wants to go he goes alone. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 17:23

I have only seen these 'rules' on MN - so perhaps nobody has told all of the happy couples that aren't on here?

It shouldn't cause this amount of stress though - if it's convenient then go, if you can't go/can't take DC/are offended that you have only been invited to the evening etc then decline politely.

ShelaghTurner · 12/04/2017 17:26

We've got a family wedding coming up which I've got a horrid suspicion I'm getting an evening only invitation to (my parents have full invites). I don't want to go and would be delighted not to be invited. But if i turn it down it looks like I'm pissed off not to be invited properly but I'm really not! I just can't be arsed to go to any of it! Weddings should be banned Wink

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 17:27

I'm also surprised that the happy couple would put so much thought into why people have declined the invitation Confused If they are integral to the day then presumably their availability has been checked, if not then I wouldn't imagine they would give it a second thought

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 12/04/2017 17:34

Shelagh The day before, have a violent case of the D&Vs, and make sure you call them with far too many details about it. Then heroically say that you'll drag yourself along because it's important but oh god you feel so ill, and they don't think anyone else will catch it, do they...?? Grin

They will BEG you not to turn up.

I have never done this. Much.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 17:34

'But if i turn it down it looks like I'm pissed off not to be invited properly but I'm really not! I just can't be arsed to go to any of it! '

So make something up, make up an excuse.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 17:39

Doesn't 'sorry I'm not available' cover it? If evening invitations are for 'unimportant' people, the bride and groom aren't really going to care if you go or not

DalaHorse · 12/04/2017 17:40

Evening invites are great for if you have a large bunch of colleagues, housemates ir uni mates who you're not super close to but still keep in the odd contact with etc. Nothing wrong with that at all. Obviously if they can't or don't want to make it, that's fine too. No hard feelings on either side.

Scribblegirl · 12/04/2017 18:31

Good point Dela. We're also using evening invites for friends with boyfriends/girlfriends of our friends of a year or less who we very much like but don't really know well enough yet. If all is well with them in a year then fab - and we don't want them excluded - but I can't really bump a cousin for them (much as I may wish to!)

Scribblegirl · 12/04/2017 18:32

dala, sorry!

TheCraicDealer · 12/04/2017 18:59

That's how I feel about them, Livia. Its not unreasonable to ask people to just the evening but equally you have no right to be peeved if people decide not to go. For literally any reason, or none at all. And as for Save The Dates when you're only inviting to the evening, that's ridiculous and a real faux pas. You can't ask people to keep a day free when you're not asking them to most of the event. What it should say is "save these three hours or think of a believable reason not to go".

I'm on the Reddit wedding boards which is abor 80% US brides. Evening invites just aren't a "thing" there and are seen as really bad etiquette. But then their wedding celebrations seem way shorter (think ceremony at 4pm, everything done and dusted by 11pm, or brunch weddings where the whole thing is over for 3pm!) and the prices for everything seem sickeningly cheaper.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 19:01

I have never heard of a bride/groom kicking off because someone can't go though

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 19:03

'Evening invites just aren't a "thing" there and are seen as really bad etiquette. But then their wedding celebrations seem way shorter (think ceremony at 4pm, everything done and dusted by 11pm, or brunch weddings where the whole thing is over for 3pm!) and the prices for everything seem sickeningly cheaper.'

That's definitely the norm. Who wants to go an event for 12 fucking hours? Yawn! Speeches are shite, too.

TheCraicDealer · 12/04/2017 19:06

Agreed. Unless you're v close to the couple or in the wedding party, weddings are dull for AF the most part. Which is why I can never understand people who are annoyed because of an evening invite or because they didn't get to bring their partner (who doesn't know the b&g from Adam and would be even more bored). To me they're just reasons not to feel guilty about not going.