Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline wedding invite

206 replies

ArialAnna · 12/04/2017 10:29

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

OP posts:
loosingsanity · 12/04/2017 13:56

It takes 2.5 hours to get to the wedding, and you aren't particularly close to the bride or groom? I'd politely decline, and if they want to know why, you could always say that you no longer have any trusted family members to babysit for you that evening.

YABU about declining as it's evening only though. Weddings are expensive, and we only had family for the ceremony, and a sit down meal at our wedding. We then invited friends to the evening, and they were there for 6 hours. However all friends lived local, and it wasn't an inconvenience.

BloomingDaffodil · 12/04/2017 13:59

ShatnersWig -Rainbows you said: "The whole point of a wedding is the vows so by excluding people from those it essentially says "you aren't important enough to share the actual event with us but we want your gift "
I've received many evening invites that specify "We want your presence not your presents" or "Please - no gifts" so I guess I must know much less grabby people than you

I think you will find that you are attacking me, for what someone else has said. When folk put things in bold it means they are quoting someone most of the time, as there is no 'quote' function on this site

However you come across as an imbecile,

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 14:00

It's usual for the people I know to invite close friends and family during the day and then other friends in the evening.

I don't get how people make such a big deal about wedding invitations - go or don't go, it's a free country!

Im sure they will still manage to get married and have a nice day despite you not being there Grin

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 14:05

5 hours drive for a party? No chance. I'd decline. It's too far.

ShatnersWig · 12/04/2017 14:05

Blooming ??????

kathkim · 12/04/2017 14:07

Decline. Life's too short to attend stuff you don't want to attend.

With a 5mo it should be easy enough to plead exhaustion/babysitter issues/and so on.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/04/2017 14:07

I was invited to the evening only of a wedding last year. I was really touched to be included at all, as I knew money was tight. It was 3 hours away, though I stayed with family locally so no hotel costs. I asked the couple if I could attend the wedding ceremony then come back later, and they were delighted.

EllaHen · 12/04/2017 14:09

YANBU. Don't go.

I don't like evening only invitations either. If people must have evening guests then they surely must be local.

1bighappyfamily · 12/04/2017 14:09

Don't go. I've never gone to an evening do. You don't get to talk to the bride and groom anyway. I think the concept is weird.....

OVienna · 12/04/2017 14:09

The one evening invite DH and I accepted comprised expensive cab journeys and a cash bar when we got there. No effort made whatsoever for the evening guests. And yes, there was a gift list in the invitation. There were about three other couples in this situation including us (maybe that is how many accepted the evening only invite, I don't know.) It sort of felt like paying to be this girl's mate, that's the only way I can describe it.

I have subsequently seen what other people tend to do for their evening only guests and that situation may have been a bit unusual. So now - it would depend on the circumstances and whether it felt more appealing to just turn up in the evening...for reasons it wasn't years ago when we were child free with lots of time on our hands it might be, as other posters have said.

I am not sure I'd bother with one that was 2.5 hrs away each way though...just tell him your MIL can no longer sit...job done.

NinonDeLenclos · 12/04/2017 14:13

I know people find reception only invites acceptable but I think they're rude.

Either invite people or don't but don't half invite them.

Katedotness1963 · 12/04/2017 14:17

I honestly thought that was the way weddings were done, different guests for church and evening with a bit of an overlap?

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 12/04/2017 14:17

When we got married, due to registry office space and budget we had evening guests and no one said they felt less valued and I hope they didn't feel so. We did ask for no presents from anyone as we had all household goods

Really there are a lot of reasons why a couple may do this but to upset guests wont be one of them. Say if you have a small budget 3-4k you have to prioritise, so you would want your family and best friends for a sit down meal and to witness your vows, but you may want to invite the girls from the office but not be able to afford a meal for them all so invite them and their partners to the evening do.

I have been to several weddings, quite a lot over the last two years as everyone we know seems to be getting hitched - and I find the evening part much more fun than a full day. If you go all day you are standing around doing photos and then eat a meal of some chicken in some kind of sauce (always seems to me) but the main fun is the evening I think

I was invited by one of the office girls to her evening do, well half a dozen of us were - and some of the girls were making comments such as 'not getting my moneys worth' (the fiver they had chipped in for the joint present) as they weren't getting fed a sit down meal (along with their partners who had never met the bride to be), which made me feel that they had higher expectations than they maybe should (and they were grabby too, to use MN Phrase) - however a hogs roast was provided for evening

Numbers can really escalate quick at a thing like that - say you have five friends from work you want to invite, they all want to bring their partner so that's ten people, then half of them have kids, so in order to have your five mates there, you end up feeding fifteen people - I think its reasonable to want to keep costs down on this to be honest

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 14:18

What SoupDragon said "Since when were evening invitations some kind of snub? They weren't when I and all my friends were getting married"

Kiroro · 12/04/2017 14:21

Evening dos are great if they are local, I wouldn't go to one I had to travel for.

londonrach · 12/04/2017 14:23

Another one who doesnt get evening as youve missed the wedding service. Ill never go to another evening one again if i can avoid it as you never get food, feel youve missed out on what happened earlier in the day and usually you have to buy drinks and mostly there limited food. Decline op you have three good reasons..distance, dont know them well and babysitting

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 12/04/2017 14:24

NinonDeLenclos why do you think they are rude Ninon? I am not trying to be argumentative I find it interesting that someone would find this rude and wonder why this to be as I am certain that no one means any kind of rebuff with these invites

For example, say that a friend from work was getting married, a good work mate but you didn't really see each other socially. This lady is getting married and invites you, and your + 1 (that she has never met) to her entire special day. So your partner, a stranger is sat watching complete strangers say their 'special vows'

Do you think that is OK for strangers to be invited to share that special moment? Or is it more special if only REALLY close friends and family are there?

Or that strangers are in other strangers wedding photos?

This means that she is financing a meal for you and your partner that is a stranger to her - and this is the exact same respect that she is offering her close family, her parents .... do you really feel you deserve the same hospitality as close family - being only a work colleague?

hamandmustard · 12/04/2017 14:26

Its a class thing isn't it.

Evening do or not is one of the indications of social class.

Judydreamsofhorses · 12/04/2017 14:26

We had a weird scenario a couple of years ago where one of DP's school friends got married in London. DP was invited to the whole day, me just to the evening because of numbers. We're in Scotland. It seemed so odd given that we live together, and I had met the groom a number of times (neither of us had met the bride). In the end DP went on his own, at my insistence, as he wanted to decline the whole thing.

Anyway, I'd just decline politely - so sorry we can't make it, hope you have a wonderful day.

MickeyRooney · 12/04/2017 14:27

YANBU. I wouldn't dream of going.

Floggingmolly · 12/04/2017 14:28

What class finds them acceptable?

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 14:30

They're unheard of in many other countries/cultures. I'd never heard of them until I came here. Local, maybe, but travelling for one, nah. I've heard of some dire ones, too - no food at all not even nibbles, pay for all drinks, no place to sit down, touts for cash 'gifts' in the invitations, etc.

hamandmustard · 12/04/2017 14:36

What class finds them acceptable?

You don't get evening only invites in upper middle and upper class circles.

More likely to be in private venues (so drink bought in bulk ). Can afford to pay for all guests etc

I have never ever been to a wedding where there was a cash bar. (not quite true there was public bar elsewhere in the building at 1 if you didnt want what was on offer but the offer was pretty all encompassing)

Floggingmolly · 12/04/2017 14:39

That's ok then. Grin

PoorYorick · 12/04/2017 14:40

Evening do or not is one of the indications of social class.

Is it? Which class does it?

Mumsnet has taught me so much about class. I had no idea before I came here that you can tell someone's socioeconomic status by whether they have an evening wedding do, or a cake smash shoot, or buy cards specifically for the relative in question. It is truly enlightening.

Swipe left for the next trending thread