To politely decline wedding invite

[ArialAnna]

A few months ago a friend asked me if I was free for 'x' date for his wedding. I was surprised and touched as we're not super close friends - I see him now and then as part of a group but haven't meet up ever one on one. I said we were free and would love to go, provided we could get babysitting sorted for our then 5 month old. Next time I saw him I said we could def come as MIL would babysit.

Invite came the other day and it's for the evening reception only from 7pm. AIBU to politely decline? I admit I'm rather against this practice anyway - surely if you invite people to your wedding you want them to see you actually get married?! Evening only means they miss all the special bits - bride coming down the isle, vows, speeches, etc. I understanding inviting people to the evening reception only if they are local, as then they are effectively just popping in for a drink and to wish the bride and groom well. But we live a good 2.5 hours away (albeit it's 50 mins from my in laws).

My MIL is already babysitting for us for another wedding (DH's friend) that month and I don't want to take advantage. And I know it sounds selfish but frankly I'd rather save a precious evening's babysitting for another time for a night out for just the two of us, rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already. AIBU to politely decline? What should I say?

A few years ago I was invited to the evening reception of a friend who has moved 200+ miles from our hometown. I politely declined and the friend expressed dismay that we couldn't make it and asked it was a babysitting issue as our dc had been left off the invite. I had to explain that no it was because I didn't want to travel all that way just to go to the 'party'. They were in all fairness having quite a small ceremony so she was quite put out and saw it as me throwing my toys out of the pram, and the friendship has never been the same. But I still feel the same about the evening only thing.

I've been to weddings where I have been an evening only guest but chosen to go the church for the ceremony, an evening only guest but not gone to the church, and a full day guest.

I've never known a wedding that didn't have "evening only guests". They tend to be people you don't know so well as others, or work colleagues, or people you'd like to have had all day but can't afford it. Doesn't matter.

YANBU to decline the invitation if you don't want to go; it's not a summons. YABU if you "disapprove" of the very regular practice of having "evening only" guests; daft thing to disapprove of.

Are they having a church wedding? If they are then there is nothing to prevent you popping into the back of the church to see the ceremony, then doing your own thing after until the evening.

I will never go to the evening only again. I've done it twice, the first time the wedding had massively overrun so all of the evening guests were standing around the outside of the room watching people eat their meal. The bar hadn't opened so we couldn't even have a drink. It was 90 mins before they cleared the tables and the bar opened.

The second time we arrived a bit later than invited (maybe an hour to avoid above scenario) and everyone was totally hammered and no one spoke to us. We barely saw the bride and groom so it wouldn't have mattered if we were there or not!

Man, I love getting an evening-invite only when it's someone I don't know that well. Excuse to get dressed up, a fun night out catching up with people (or just with my husband!) and none of the boring church / photographs / sit down meal part which are only fun if you know the couple well.

Nobody is obligated to go to a wedding, so if you don't want to go, don't, but evening invites are very common!

I had 25 people at my actual wedding (it was in my husband's country of birth rather than mine and I didn't think it was fair to ask people to travel) and then 150 at an evening reception the following week. I'm sure somebody was affronted but probably the same people who would have been affronted to be invited to a wedding that was a plane flight away! You can't please everyone.

I think expecting anyone to drive 2.5 hours for an evening do and then drive 2.5 hours home again is nuts.

I don't like the whole 'A' and 'B' list classes of invites that are normal for UK weddings. In the US people doing that are considered tacky and gift grabby. You either invite people for the whole thing or not at all.

I expect the evening do will feature over loud music, so you'll spend three hours either screeching inanities at complete strangers or mouthing them with rictus like grins, they'll be at least two drunk and obnoxious people there, you'll get to maybe say 'Hello' to the bride and groom, and you'll get to pay for your own over-priced drinks.

I'd make arrangements to catch up with your friend and his wife at a later date when you can actually sit and talk to them.

I don't know why people find an evening-only invite so scandalous/offensive. I've been to a few, in exactly the kind of context you describe – people I see now and then as part of a group of friends.

Don't go if you don't want to, but I wouldn't waste time being offended about it. You can say that sadly your babysitting has fallen through and you've been unable to line up anyone else.

Size of venue (and money) constraints, often mean you cannot invite EVERyONE to the actual wedding, so you then invite more distant relatives, and not so close friends (work mates) to the evening do, whats wrong with that?

I'd be inclined to attend the ceremony (if It's in church anyone can attend, invite or not), spend the interim doing something nice - research in advance - and then turn up for the evening.

For me, the most important part of a wedding is the ceremony. Just the evening is essentially just a party and I wouldn't be keen.

I wouldn't go. I see nothing wrong with an evening-only invite but given the distance, you are quite at liberty to turn it down. It's a long way to go for the evening.

I'd decline. The whole point of a wedding is the vows so by excluding people from those it essentially says "you aren't important enough to share the actual event with us but we want your gift and for the evening venue to be filled for maximum value".

I have no issue with evening invites- there's a hierarchy in terms of relationships which comes into play when deciding who you're going to invite and pay £20, £50, £100 per head to attend the whole day. That's just reality. If evening invites mean people can still show a desire for my presence (maybe it's more like 'presents'? Ha!) in some form whilst keeping a hold on their budget then I'm ok with that. But I refuse to feel bad for not going when I can't be arsed.

What would really upset me would be if it were an evening invite from someone I genuinely considered a good or close friend, and it was a big do. But is doesn't sound like that's the case, as OP was shocked to get an invite to the 'wedding' in the first instance.

I'm doing evening invites for people at mine in the Summer but I'm not going to be shirty with those invitees if they don't go. People have better things to be at with their Saturday nights!

rather than show up late to a do where everyone is drunk already.

You must go to some classy weddings. Everyone drunk by 7pm? Really?

The whole point of a wedding is the vows Oh, I thought it was to gather friends and family together to share the occasion of your wedding.

I like evenings only, Anything before that is just admin you are forced to endure.

Massive double standards here OP.

You were all for it, even though you ''weren't that close'' when you thought it was a day invite

You seem to have taken offense with the 'evening only' invite - however you SAID you aren't that close - so why would they shell out on a meal etc for YOU?

I'd decline. The whole point of a wedding is the vows so by excluding people from those it essentially says "you aren't important enough to share the actual event with us but we want your gift and for the evening venue to be filled for maximum value''

What a very one dimensional viewpoint
There are often multiple reasons why people invite evening only guests. Space / budget etc.

Telling him he was inviting you to his "wedding" was misleading but other than that no issue with an evening invitation given you're not close.

However if you don't fancy going then to fine to decline. You don't have to justify it.

I too see nothing wrong with an evening-only invitation. There will be others who are also 'evening only' guests and not everyone will be plastered already surely.
I wouldn't feel like B guest - weren't you startled to get an invite to the wedding in the first place anyway.

However, if you doubt MIL is free to have your LO that evening, (pity because you can stay with PILs overnight without incurring huge expense), or feel slighted, I'd decline.
Just say what catkind suggests.

From reading these boards sometimes, I get the impression that many people feel very entitled about being a wedding guest - and that the bride and groom are merely there to fund a party for the guests - these wedding threads are often overflowing with bad feeling and bitterness

Not attractive

Since when were evening invitations some kind of snub? They weren't when I and all my friends were getting married.

I'm with gamer and the others - evening only is the best. No hanging around for photos, or sitting through speeches. Drinking what I like rather than whatever ropey wine has been chosen for the food, wearing something a little less formal, and if I'm lucky a bacon butty at the end of the night. Perfect.

Rainbows quite right (@13:13). Any stbBrides miffed at declined invitations can mull over that.

My wedding motto is "Ego non tessera prandium"

(trans; I am not a meal ticket.)

Just politely decline. You don't have to explain.

Rainbows you said: "The whole point of a wedding is the vows so by excluding people from those it essentially says "you aren't important enough to share the actual event with us but we want your gift "

I've received many evening invites that specify "We want your presence not your presents" or "Please - no gifts" so I guess I must know much less grabby people than you

If it was a birthday party 2.5 hours away and requiring babysitting would you go?

If not then I'd politely decline and wish them a happy day, send a card.

I've had two weddings and not had a two tier invite approach to either. I can think of only one evening do I've been to which was any fun and that's where only the parents had gone to the registry office with the couple during the day and we had speeches, receiving line (a whole other thread perhaps but nice to get a chance to say a proper hi to the couple), cake and a proper feed.

Chalk this down to nice to be thought of but that's the bit that counts and leave them to it on the night.