To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

[Placeanditspatrons]

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

I'm sorry? Did you give up your right to a mind of your own on marriage? I don't remember that bit in my vows.

You tell him that you aren't free and have plans. He is free to do as he likes but it doesn't involve you. That's the end of that discussion. He isn't your owner. Hell would freeze over before I let DH dictate what I do and where I go. His (slightly odd) family have a get together at Christmas each year. I find it awkward as some of them are a bit odd and this one included loads of people and I wasn't feeling very sociable. DH did tell me that I had to go and I did make it clear that I don't have to do any sodding thing. I did go because we hadn't seen them in ages and the DCs always enjoy it and I like the DDs but I almost refused on principle but I realised that would be petty. I made it clear to DH though that is was my choice, not his demands.

You don't have to convince anyone that it is OK for you to not go. Not your DH. Not your MIL.

You don't need to discuss it with DH again. You just go out with your mate instead of going to the party.

Can you even imagine not talking about it getting permission just saying what you are going to do then doing it?

So you say to mil "I understand, but I already have plans."

Do what you want. I had the opposite problem. I'm from a large extended family. You invite everyone and hope they don't all turn up as you won't have enough chairs, plates etc. Ex do V small family. 2 parents, 2 brothers, me and the occasional girlfriend. If 2 of you didn't turn up lots of guilt tripping about it not being worth it or arranging a different date.

Dp not do

What are you going to do then, OP?

Just make a stand. The coming together of 2 families means compromise on both sides.

I suspect OP has disappeared because the thread responses were more than she was expecting, regarding her H's attitude to her independence and obligations re: his family.

If family comes first, surely family comes above his desire to drink?

This!!!

The rule is whichever plan is made first is the plan you do, unless second plan is a 'biggie' like a wedding/christening etc but there is generally plenty of notice for those events anyway. I can't believe how rude your DP and MIL are if they do not realise this generally accepted rule of social etiquette and I would be making sure they realised how rude you consider it.

If your DP wishes to go to the party, he can go. However, you are busy. It sounds from your update about 'showing your faces' that there is still an ongoing discussion about it and I'm not sure why. Just tell him. He sulks. He either goes to the party or doesn't. The world keeps turning.

Indian?

Are you in Liverpool OP?

Have you posted on the right thread 1985 or am I missing something?

What I said to 1985 ...same question to 1981 (gosh it's like Blind Date never went away...)

Keep to your own plans and keep your own friends. His family will swallow you up so ensure you maintain outside interests - seen so many people divorce and fall out with their ex's wider family.

Just asking as the phrasing of the overbearing martiarchal MIL sounds very familiar to many Liverpool families I know. Just trying to understand the context.

You do realise that if you don't put an end to this endless 100% attendance, that this is your life forever

Take a breath, be brave remember the MN massive are behind you and say "Dh, as I have said, I have other plans and won't be coming."

Go to some yes, not others. Perhaps only those for younger children

Okay, I think I get it 1981 and 1985....but in fact I think this kind of family dynamic where one side completely overpowers the other is pretty universal.

OP I am joining the chorus of 'see your friend'. OR if you do cave decide to go to the family party...SULK like you've never sulked before! Oh and get rat arsed too!

Okay, I think I get it 1981 and 1985....but in fact I think this kind of family dynamic where one side completely overpowers the other is pretty universal.

Yes, I was wondering if they were Irish :)

OP, you have to stop caring what your MIL thinks or says. When she says "but it's our X's 3 year olds party, they'll be disappointed if you aren't there" you smile and say "well I hope they have a lovely time".

I suspect your problem is they are all so full-on and convinced that everyone should live like them (your dh included) that you have forgotten that theirs is only one opinion, one way of doing things. Yours is just as valid.

Yeah I think my post was deleted ?!