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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

222 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 13:35

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

OP posts:
LadyPW · 06/04/2017 13:52

You're pre-booked, he can just not drink. Sorted.

Levatrice · 06/04/2017 13:52

If there are that
Many adults in the family
that are so closeknit one of them
Can pick him up! He sounds like a controlling immature child tell him where to go

PermanentlyDumbfounded · 06/04/2017 13:53

Oh for goodness sake woman, grow a back bone!!

No reasonable person would think this set up is OK.

You're letting yourself be a door mat. You have plans already made. You're not available. End of.

FlyingElbows · 06/04/2017 13:53

You do not have to do this you are choosing to do it. The choice is yours.

blackteasplease · 06/04/2017 13:53

Let him sulk.

If he does more than sulk then that is a big problem.

You are not a taxi just because you don't drink. He doesn't have to drink. Or if he wants to, he can get an actual taxi.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2017 13:54

Sorry you have to be assertive. No, he can go on his own. If he sulks so be it. If he wants to drink, he can stay over.

Mummymoanasaurus · 06/04/2017 13:55

You go out with friend. He goes to family party and stays over with family, someone must be able to out him up. Job done!

Mummymoanasaurus · 06/04/2017 13:56

Put!

HotelEuphoria · 06/04/2017 13:57

I don't get why you didn't decline your invite and say you had made other plans but accept on behalf of your DH. He can drive himself right? and see how much fun his family's childrens' parties are without alcohol.

problembottom · 06/04/2017 13:57

Say you've already made plans and won't be changing them. Ignore the sulks, he can drive himself there. You're letting him have it all his own way and you need to change the dynamic. It'll get easier after the first few times. He's not your boss!

BarbaraofSeville · 06/04/2017 13:58

Can't he go alone and stay over with a family member if bus/taxi would be too expensive/non existent? Surely one of them must have a spare bed or even available sofa?

I do like a family event, but when it makes you miss out on your own social life and your DH's main motivation for your attendance is to drive him home pissed in the middle of the night Hmm.

If I was you, I'd find myself 'busy' for at least half of his family's events even if 'busy' just meant slobbing out in front of my choice of TV for the evening.

Huldra · 06/04/2017 14:01

You've got plans and it's reasonable to keep them. Its not your problem if he sulks because he can't drink alcohol.

Ginger782 · 06/04/2017 14:01

"Family comes first"...Hmm
You....you are his family also....sooo...

Not a very helpful comment sorry. But..Hmm

RatherBeRiding · 06/04/2017 14:01

His family come first with him. Yes you are married but they are your in-laws so not exactly the same.

If you've not made plans already and don't mind going, that's one thing.

But cancelling plans you've already made is just rude. Let him sulk. Also let him sort out his own transport. I suspect his "family first" mantra is purely for his benefit so he can get pissed and chauffeured!

sonlypuppyfat · 06/04/2017 14:02

I'm in the same boat, I've no family just my mum and some cousins I never see. My friend is my family. What your DH wants to do with his family is his own affair they don't come before your friend

user1485984489 · 06/04/2017 14:02

Oh he can drive.
He just likes a drink.

What a selfish prick. As said above, tell him to arrange his own transport. Failing that, drop him off, go and see your friend then go and pick him up if you really feel you have to. But I bloody wouldn't!

And stand up for yourself; it's good to spend time with your own friends instead of traipsing around after his family all the time. Especially if you don't want to be there. It's not as if you're saying you'll never go to any party ever again...

GreenPeppers · 06/04/2017 14:03

Sorry but let him sulk and find his own transport (or avoid drinking Shock).
He is happy to come and see family. That's great.
You should be able too to see the people that are important to you.

Btw why have you ever agreed to -always be the one to drive and not drink???

SquatBetty · 06/04/2017 14:03

Let the manchild sulk and drive himself for once! Put your foot down and meet up with your friend.

celtiethree · 06/04/2017 14:04

Stand up for yourself, he isn't considerate to you at all. Stick to you plans, he can drive himself to the parties. As a PP said attend some but no way should you go along to all of them. How attractive would he find it if you sulked every time you went along with his plans.

Megatherium · 06/04/2017 14:05

Tell him that family does not come first when you are talking about some party for a great-niece or a cousin's kid, you, his wife, come first, and you are entitled to see your friends. That is particularly the case if your arrangement to meet a friend predates any family invitation - it's incredibly rude to cancel something you've already agreed to, particularly if the only reason is to provide a taxi service for him. If he sulks, tell him to grow up.

Inertia · 06/04/2017 14:05

Stand him for yourself, for heaven's sake! You have plans, you can't go. DH can go if he wants, he's perfectly capable of either staying sober or staying overnight.Stop pandering to a sulky manchild who expects you to act as his personal chauffeur.

Inertia · 06/04/2017 14:05

Stand up

QuiteLikely5 · 06/04/2017 14:07

Are you scared of him?

Of course he's desperate for you to come - he can't bloody drink otherwise! 'Family comes first' complete bollox

Chippednailvarnishing · 06/04/2017 14:08

You either do what he wants and moan or do what you want and let him moan.

You wouldn't catch me playing chauffeur.

DrizzleHair · 06/04/2017 14:09

This sounds very unfair - he demand you attend so he can get pissed then get a free taxi home?

I suggest you start refusing to go to some events, you're an adult and you're allowed to do what you want. It sounds like you've spent a lot of time bending over backwards for this man.

Is he a bit of a controlling bully (cos that's what he's being) in other areas?