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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

222 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 13:35

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 06/04/2017 15:32

My ex-H used to sulk to control me all the time.

I'm so glad he's an ex.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/04/2017 15:38

Op, what would your response be to the following aibu?
'I had a baby a few months ago and was due to meet a really good friend of mine soon as she has yet to meet my baby. She has cancelled so that she can drive her husband back from his cousins child's birthday which she won't enjoy. Aibu to think this is absurd?'
Everyone - yanbu.

fannydaggerz · 06/04/2017 15:42

Your DH can take you child to he party while you go out with your friends.

Let your DH sulk.

Teabagtits · 06/04/2017 15:44

Let him sulk. You're not his taxi driver and you don't need to be attending all the kids parties. I have a huge family and it's also expected we go but I just stopped and no ones said anything (to my face) about it. If they talk behind my back let them. As families grow these parties multiply exponentially and where does one draw the line? Great nephews? Great great nephews? The granny's cousin's dog's puppy shower?

Just meet your friend and let your oh work out life sober at these parties. He may come round to your way of thinking after attending a few without a drink in him!

nigelforgotthepassword · 06/04/2017 15:45

Don't go to it all. It's not fair for you to have to miss out on things you want to do because of having to see his family.
If he sulks let him.If he can't drink as he has to drive-tough.You are allowed your own life.

nigelforgotthepassword · 06/04/2017 15:48

I used to have to go to every bloody family thing going with exh's family. Some of whom were fairly unpleasant to me for much of the time I was there. It's one of the up sides of not being married to him any more.
I resented the time and money it cost and that lead to arguments-I wish I had been firmer at the beginning.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/04/2017 15:49

Exactly, your friends are your family.

Why does his family take priority over yours? Why does he get to decide what your shared priorities are? Have you thought of disagreeing with him and standing up for yourself instead of capitulating? So what if he holds the view that his family comes first - it's just that, one person's opinion.

Why does he care so little for your needs and wishes, see his as more important and why do you accept that?

Practically, why can't he and any DCs he takes with him, stay over?

Hercules12 · 06/04/2017 15:49

Surely you just say you can't make it to dh re family thing as you already have plans or you just don't fancy it. End of discussion. He goes and you don't.
Your problem here isn't the family parties, it's a selfish dh.

InfiniteCurve · 06/04/2017 15:51

Don't go.
If you've arranged to see your friend you can't,sadly(🙂) go to the party as you have a prior commitment.
It's up to DH to decide if he wants to go on his own or not,family comes first is possibly justifiable in serious matters but not as an excuse for being rude and selfish over everyday stuff!

lottiegarbanzo · 06/04/2017 15:57

How does it go down when you say to him 'so let me get this straight, you are asking me to tell my friend that I have chosen to cancel our long-standing arrangement, so that my husband can drink at a children's party. He considers his desire to drink, more important than our maintaining our friendship and I agree with him'.

Does he? Do you?

lottiegarbanzo · 06/04/2017 16:01

Oh and if he sulks, that's a great reason to go out for the day, isn't it. 'I can tell you have a sore head. I'll leave you to recover in peace while I have a lovely day out doing fun stuff with people whose company I enjoy. Bye.'

If the sulking is really predictable, you could plan a lovely day out in anticipation.

rollonthesummer · 06/04/2017 16:05

How does it go down when you say to him 'so let me get this straight, you are asking me to tell my friend that I have chosen to cancel our long-standing arrangement, so that my husband can drink at a children's party.

This

Just keep repeating it. Does he really say-I need you to come so I can drink?

yolofish · 06/04/2017 16:07

the other thing is, I bet if you start putting your foot down you will find that some of your SIL etc are thinking EXACTLY the same! not everyone wants to be handfasted to their other half's entire families all day every day. I reckon you could be the pioneer.

Icouldbeknitting · 06/04/2017 16:08

It took me a while to realise that the big family gatherings (birthdays, wedding anniversaries and I'd forgotten about the endless summers of barbeques) were a form of control. We weren't invited or consulted, it was organised and we were told what was happening. There we were, all the happy family gathered together with the smiling in laws at the centre. There are only two days in a weekend and I wanted to have some say in how to spend them. Looking back I hadn't realised how thoroughly my husband had been trained into the family way, he never considered that not attending was an option. The world did not end when we cut back attendance, his sisters saw that and they opted out too.

I only wish I'd done it sooner but the twenty year old me wasn't so good at standing up for herself. I would answer "family comes first" with "yes dear, off you go then". Stand up for what you want, the rest of your life is at stake here. Let him sulk if he wants to, there is plenty of information out there on how to deal with that in both toddlers and adults.

PollytheDolly · 06/04/2017 16:43

Dh sulks. Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink.

And on that statement....enjoy your day with your friend. Wink

KERALA1 · 06/04/2017 17:28

Have a good phase - oooh come on sulkypants. Punctures both adult and child sulks quite effectively and points out how pathetically childish the sulker is being. Thankfully only the under 5s in our family tend to sulk.

seven201 · 06/04/2017 19:01

He sounds hard work! Of course you don't cancel plans with your friends unless it's a wedding or something really important. Your dh is being a douche.

seven201 · 06/04/2017 19:02

Stop being his doormat personal chauffeur

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 19:15

He's just said 'we have to at least show our faces.'

That is his favourite phrase. 'Show our faces.'

OP posts:
Icouldbeknitting · 06/04/2017 19:19

He can go and show his, that's his choice. Your choice is yours to make, he doesn't get to make it for you. You have a prior commitment, family doesn't get to trump good manners or the fact that you are entitled to a life where you make your own choices.

It will get easier every time you do it.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 06/04/2017 19:19

So say no, you have plans already but he is welcome to go. I'd just laugh if dh came out with that kind of shit. Are you scared of him?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 06/04/2017 19:21

He sounds very very controlling to me

Mermaidinthesea123 · 06/04/2017 19:22

I couldn't stand that, learn to say no.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 19:24

It sounds like you have (or are not allowed to have) a mind and life of your own

Assert yourself, fgs. He is not the boss of you.

AdaColeman · 06/04/2017 19:28

You need to be more in control of your own life.

His sulking is just a way of bullying you into doing what he wants.

Go and visit your friend, let him sulk as much as he wants, ignore his sulking. As to him getting home, he can get the bus or a taxi.

Get a wall planner, put it up in the kitchen, as soon as you have any thing planned enter it on the planner, tell him that you will not be changing your plans in the future.