Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

222 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 13:35

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

OP posts:
GotToGetMyFingerOut · 07/04/2017 17:16

And how would he bet back if you were someone who drank?

You have plans, why not drop him off and go see your friend then pick him up on 2ya home? You really need to start standing your ground. You are an adult not a child.

SouthWindsWesterly · 07/04/2017 17:23

Fuck that for a wank

Would he drive if you had a family gathering were things different? Would he drive if you met your friends for a night out?

He's ripping the piss. Take your fingers out of your ears and stop making yourself the dogsbody. Put yourself first. Or decide to make this your life for family events always. Your choice. It's a hard one to face but you will have to face it

twattymctwatterson · 07/04/2017 18:27

Does he make all the decisions op? You seem to be struggling to just say no

BeachyKeen · 07/04/2017 20:34

It's up to you OP , you have to make the choice to do something different, because your dh never will.
If you want your life to change, change what you are doing.You can't make someone else change.

viques · 07/04/2017 20:46

if it is so vital that an additional adult attends a child's birthday party then surely one or more of his extended family will be willing to pick him up and drive him home again.

Of course if none of them offer to do this small favour then perhaps his presence at the event is not so imperative after all...........

Mysteriouscurle · 07/04/2017 20:50

Your dh sounds like an arse and obviously thinks you were put on this earth to serve him. How about he doesnt get to tell you how you spend your weekends any more than you Would dream of telling him how to spend his. Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 07/04/2017 20:57

They are all very overbearing. Not just dh. MiL gave us the invitation when she came over and I said straight away that I had plans that day and she said 'but it's our x's 3rd birthday, they'll be disappointed if you don't come.'
I actually don't think they will care much. MiL likes all the family to be together. It wouldn't be so bad if any of them had moved away but nope. All in a two mile radius. All married / had relationships with people within the same two mile radius. Most functions held at the same venue. It's like Groundhog Day.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/04/2017 21:01

Well, make a change then

Are you going to do that. Or just have a little whinge here and carry on letting other people pull your strings ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/04/2017 21:02

JUST. DON'T. GO. Honestly. So what if MIL likes to be a bullying matriarch all the family to be together? It's not her call. You are an adult, and an adult with a previous engagement.

There was a phrase I often heard in my youth. 'Who died and made you God?' Used when someone assumed authority that was not theirs. Your MIL is not God. Your DH is certainly not God. You are in charge of you, nobody else.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 07/04/2017 21:03

but it's our x's 3rd birthday, they'll be disappointed if you don't come

And you reply
"I've already made plans and my friend will be disappointed if I don't go as arranged. Now MIL, you wouldn't want me to be rude, would you? "

But I suspect you'll cancel your friend to go to a toddler's party.
The toddler won't care but your friend will.
And she'll eventually stop asking.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2017 21:05

Are you listening, op ?

terrylene · 07/04/2017 21:12

You do need to find a way to make sure you see your friends. They are important to you.

I had a great aunt who had no children. She loved us dearly, but we could never visit on a Wednesday as that is the day she went for lunch with her friends. Now I am older I see her point. He friends were a very important part of her life. She had a very strong commitment to them and it is they who saw her through life week by week. She had lots of brothers and sisters, but only saw them when needed as they preferred to stay amicable rather than cramp each others style IYSWIM. You sort of have to let the friends know they are important for you or they will think you have more important things going on and drift off. They are also important because they have varied ways of doing things and enrich your life.

For your husband, friends are probably less important because he has his family commitments/demands. Let him go to the party if that is what he wants, but stand your ground and see your friends.

Willow2017 · 07/04/2017 21:18

Ok pages of people telling you it's all kinds of wrong and you still haven't said you are putting your old friend before a 3yr old who won't care a bit if you are there or not.

Stop making excuses and tell them to jog on YOU HAVE PLANS.

if its so important for your dh to get passed at a 3ye old's party let his bloody mother collect him and keep him. You would be better off without the lot of them.

Take a good look as this is your life until you make a stand. Endless 'family' parties you don't want to go to which stop you ever doing what you want to and friends stopping bothering to ask you because you keep blowing them off for other people's kids, nail cutting celebrations, dying my hair anniversary and any other crap excuse to party.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 07/04/2017 21:27

You must be so exhausted with being constantly forced into doing things you don't want to, purely to avoid your DH sulking. Thing is, what would happen if you didn't give in? Would he go on his own, or make your life ever more miserable to punish you? Because he sounds emotionally abusive, tbh.
Are you meant to be equal partners in your marriage, or are you just his chauffeur, with cooking and sex thrown in?

HelenaGWells · 07/04/2017 21:54

There is no reason why he can't go on his own. You have a prior commitment. It should not be his family, his need to drink, his things always.

If it was so vital you were at this birthday party then guess what they should have given you more notice.

Go and see your friend, he can choose to go or not go. If you don't draw a line you will spend the rest of your life playing chauffeur to his families weekly piss ups.

For the record there is surely no need to drink at a kids birthday party? If it's all about little Timmy and how much he wants everyone there then surely all the adults will be playing games with the kids rather than sitting in a huddle getting pissed right?

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 07/04/2017 22:04

Dh sulks. Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink

So really it's about him being able to have piss up on a regular basis without being inconvenienced in any way Hmm

His family may be the 'live in each others pocket' types - but you didn't marry his family.
You married him. You're under no obligation to attend ALL the parties they throw, especially children's parties! He's free to attend as many as he likes.

By the way, my good friends are my family, nobody tells me who deserves a valued place in my life.
By using the 'family' excuse he's effectively isolating you from your own support network - red flag.

Him showing his own face there will be enough.
Don't be bullied into doing things you don't want to do.
You're an adult with you own life, why the hell are you being expected to have it revolve all around the in-laws?

I come from a large family and even i don't go to every dc or family function/party!

wobblywonderwoman · 07/04/2017 22:11

I wouldn't go.. Since I have nothing in common with dh family I go and be polite when it suits but now most weeks, dh goes alone and I just go when it suits

Just don't go.. Dh wants a driver so he can drink and it is very wrong of him to not let you see your friends.

WatchHowISoar · 07/04/2017 22:24

Don't go. Put your foot down or in a fee years you'll be wondering why you have no friends. Because you'll always have put your husband's family first.

Tel him your friends are your family. Tell him you won't be breaking plans and you will be spending time with your 'family'.

Megatherium · 07/04/2017 22:47

It sounds unbelievably tedious constantly going to functions at the same venue involving the same people. OP, for your own sanity, you have to tell your DH that your prior engagements have to take priority.

Emily7708 · 07/04/2017 22:52

Your DH should go on his own on this occasion - you really mustn't let your friend down.

He doesn't need to have a drink at a birthday party for a three year old!

Apairofsparklingeyes · 07/04/2017 22:53

Tell DH that you're not going as you want to see your friend. He can show his face by himself. If he sulks just see it as controlling behaviour being used to manipulate you.

Do you like being married to this man op? He sounds as unpleasant as the rest of his family.

AlternativeTentacle · 07/04/2017 22:59

Why do you need to drive him if everything is in a 2 mile radius?

Megatherium · 07/04/2017 23:01

OP has said they're about 40 minutes' drive away from where the relatives are, Alternative.

MrTCakes · 07/04/2017 23:04

Fuck that for a wank

Grin totally agree.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 07/04/2017 23:04

OP - I know it can be hard standing up to 'overbearing people' - it's great that you recognise that your DH is, that he's trying to force /manipulate you into doing what he and his family wants, as well as MIL.

However, unless you do stand up to them once, things will never change, except that your friends will drift away and become strangers you are friends with on Facebook but not really people you share anything with.

The hardest time to stand up to people like this is the first time. Once you've done it, that DH has managed to go to something on his own, that you have seen that it's ok for you to see your friend, then it should be better.

If you think that actually your DH does love you and want you to be happy, then sit him down, say that actually, this party has highlighted to you that you aren't happy. You never get to see your friends because of his family's events have to always come first and he sulks and makes you feel bad if you suggest not going. So you feel like have a choice, have a miserable home life, or give up on having friends. If he says you could see XXX another day, say that actually, no, because everytime you arrange anythign, his family arranges a party and you are expected to drop everything yet again.

Go see your friend. Make it clear to him that from now on, he'll have to get used to going to family events without you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread