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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

222 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 13:35

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 20:38

Ffs new fangled.

Also once you are there dropping him off you will be pressurised to stay you know you will.

Olddear · 06/04/2017 20:43

Well let him show his big sulky face. You go out and have a great day with your friend.

redshoeblueshoe · 06/04/2017 20:46

We are in April. I think your friend has already got the message that she is not important.
Your H is a selfish twat.
HTH

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2017 20:49

Absolutely agree. Do not go. Do not drop Mr Sulkypants off. Do not pick Mr Sulkypants up.

OliviaBenson · 06/04/2017 20:55

Is he really worth losing all your friends op?

He sounds horrible. Have you told him no yet? If you were my friend I would be extremely upset.

CatchIt · 06/04/2017 21:09

I have a bigger family than dh (but not as big as your dh's!) and dh isn't that sociable but he's the drinker & I'm not.

The rule in our house is whichever invite comes first is the one we go to end of. If it's his family, my family, his friends or mine, it's a first come first serve basis.

You mustn't cancel your friend or you might not have any left before you know it. You do not have to show your face just because he does. Stand your ground!!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 06/04/2017 22:35

He can go for the whole thing! You don't need to "show your face" - because you already have plans. You can't just show your face, you aren't going at all. He can go for the full thing, it's just you won't go with him.

"I've said I'm not free, you'll have to go on your own or miss it if you don't want to go."

Megatherium · 07/04/2017 00:38

He's just said 'we have to at least show our faces.'

I hope you asked why, given that the kid whose party it is probably won't even notice and you've showed your faces at the other 15 family events that have probably already taken place this year alone. And why is packing the kids into the car and driving for 90 minutes just to show your faces more important that sticking to already agreed arrangements with your friends?

If my family asked us round at short notice and one or both of us couldn't go due to pre-existing commitments, they really wouldn't bat an eyelid. Because that's the way people normally live their lives.

emmyrose2000 · 07/04/2017 00:40

You are being breathtakingly rude to your friends by cancelling on them every time one of these family parties comes up. If you were my friend and you pulled this stunt on me, I'd stop inviting you to things.

EffinElle · 07/04/2017 01:02

Fuck that! LTB

Pallisers · 07/04/2017 01:41

He's just said 'we have to at least show our faces.'

I've just said "Trump has to resign" It didn't happen though.

Why do you think every pronouncement of this man is an edict that must be followed.

Tell him you can show your face, I'm off. His family won't even notice.

You will lose your friends if this continues.

diddl · 07/04/2017 01:52

"He's just said 'we have to at least show our faces.'"

Why does he get to tell you what you have to do?

You're an adult, you get to decide for yourself.

If they are reasonable people then they will understand that you have a prior commitment.

If not, then who gives a fuck what they think?

3luckystars · 07/04/2017 01:59

Even if you had nobody to meet or nowhere to go, you are allowed to say NO to these parties. I would hate to have to go to all these soirées.
Just say no and it will get easier every time then.
Good luck.

rollonthesummer · 07/04/2017 03:33

I bet he'll show his face as long as it takes for him to sink too much to drive.

You're mad if you let him control you like this?

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 07/04/2017 06:09

Unless you and your DH have had some interesting new surgical intervention and are, in fact, joined at the hip then he is welcome to go and show his face without you having to show yours. It seems to be boiling down to him not wanting to go without you, which is controlling and childish.

Inertia · 07/04/2017 09:20

He can show his face.

He is doing a very very good job of cutting you off from all your friends, so that if you ever try to stop dancing to his tune you'll have nobody to go to for support.

RatherBeRiding · 07/04/2017 09:26

He's very controlling. He's also isolating you from your friends.

You can either accept this, and continue to be resentful and continue to lose your friends (which you will if you keep cancelling plans) or you can grow some backbone and decide that YOUR plans are just as important as his plans - AND DAMN WELL TELL HIM SO!

He's a grown man. He is more than capable of going alone to these oh so important family events. He is also capable of making decisions about how to get there, whether to drink or not, and how to get back. You are not joined at the hip. He doesn't own you. His family events do not trump your established plans.

redexpat · 07/04/2017 09:40

I married into a family like this. It was really affecting my mental health and also my integration. We could never go out to any public events and meet people we werrnt related to because there was a family alternative. I have nothing in common with these people. It was torture and dull. Oh and add a wife of a cousin who used to sit there and bitch about forriners (like me) ALL THE TIME. Then dh asked one day why I couldnt just be nice to her. I went absofuckinglutely mental at him. Then we looked at how many parties we werr automatically saying yes to. 26 a year. We got it down to 13. When it came to DS' christening we invited very few people and took quite a fallout. So now we do it by generation and family branch. And guess what? Everyone else has followed our lead. It also helped that I developed interests so wasnt always available.

Why on earth are you cancelling previous engagements? You are doing all the compromising here. Why? Is he an abusive arse who is trying to alienate you from your support network? Oor does he genuinly believe in the eastenders rule of faaamily? When will he begin to put you first? Youre his immediate family now. You should be first!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/04/2017 10:00

I agree emmy, your friends will get fed up of being cancelled all the time, and will probably distance themselves from you, you will be alone, with a controlling, selfish, prick. If those friend you say are like family, treat them as such, start growing a backbone and saying no to your partner. If he sulks, and becomes nasty, he is not the one for you, and you need to consider a future without him.

BaDumShh · 07/04/2017 11:30

A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone like this, they expected her to always put her partner's family first, family parties every other weekend and expected that these family parties would take precedence over already arranged plans, and there would be a big fallout if she tried to keep to her prior plans.

This person ended up being extremely controlling further along in the relationship, made my friend very unhappy and the relationship ended very badly.

OnGoldenPond · 07/04/2017 15:45

You have a prior engagement. Stick to it , cancelling your friend would be massively rude.

Your DH will just have to control his drinking or get a cab.

Do you always feel the need to do exactly what he tells you?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/04/2017 15:58

I beg your pardon? You had to cancel your plans so that your dh could be driven round and get drunk?

gammaraystar · 07/04/2017 16:35

Stick up for yourself woman! Does he always control every aspect of your life? Or just where his family are concerned?

AnyFucker · 07/04/2017 17:03

Op has her fingers in her ears going la la la

OttoChocoLab · 07/04/2017 17:12

His family and their social gatherings sound like my idea of Hell. Absolute Hell.

Let him go and show his own damn face. On his own.
I know it's been said, but why On Earth will they be drinking at a Child's Birthday party?