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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

222 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 13:35

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 06/04/2017 14:35

I have a huge extended family who are always having social events OP.

I don't attend everything because we live too far away, are often busy and I don't want to.

I certainly would never expect DH to change any of his plans for these events ( unless they were massive deals - wedding etc).

Wando1986 · 06/04/2017 14:36

Just say no. When family is that big and meet so often it doesn't always come first. Your friends are just as important too.

itsgoodtobehome · 06/04/2017 14:38

It's a children's birthday party ffs - what does he need to drink for? If he can't go to a kid's birthday party without having a drink then I would be seriously worried.

terrylene · 06/04/2017 14:41

You are an only child. You need your friends. They are important. You are important. You are his family.

livefornaps · 06/04/2017 14:42

Or you could always get p.l.a.s.t.e.r.e.d. on pina coladas at the next "unmissable" event, sing club tropicana drinks are freeeeeeee fun and sun-shine there's e-nough for ev'ryone at the top of your lungs and see how that goes down WinkGinHalo

rollonthesummer · 06/04/2017 14:44

Dh sulks. Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink.

And there is your problem. It's not your DH's family, it's your DH-he is being a knob.

Let him sulk.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2017 14:47

"It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first."
He is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Prior engagements come first. It is rude to drop plans with someone because something else has come up. Even if it were not rude, people will stop inviting you if you constantly cancel on them. Is it his plan to isolate you from your friends? You say the friend you were going to see, you haven't seen since December. He IS isolating you. Doesn't matter if it's not deliberate on his part, that is the result of his behaviour.

And these parties can't be that important to the people throwing them if they're constantly being arranged at such at short notice. It sounds as if his family just like to socialise with each other (do they have friends?), if a weekend seems free they fill it with any old excuse. These are therefore not parties you have to prioritise.

And he's not putting family first. Wanker. He is putting his having a drink first. Your primary purpose (to him) at these family gatherings is to be his chauffeur at the end of the party. Well fuck that for a game of soldiers - he can stay over, get a taxi, or not drink. His choice.

So - get a spine and gird your loins m'girl. Tell him his drinking is less important than your friends (does he have any friends?) and he can still go but you have a prior engagement so sod off. Go see your friends. Fill your calendar with prior engagements. Join him at his family's parties when you feel like it.

And if he sulks - leave him to it. Roll your eyes and leave him to it.

Kiroro · 06/04/2017 14:50

Family comes first?
No, prior engagements come first. Or like, a wedding comes before a monthly lunch date.
Why on earth would you cancel plans with your friends cos you DH wants you to? He can go on his own can't he??

ShotsFired · 06/04/2017 14:52

Trust me, when you put your foot down and stick to your plans it can be devastatingly effective.

I did it when my OH decided to change something unilaterally. The day dawned and he glibly assumed I was doing his thing with the people he was with. Having repeatedly told him beforehand that no, I was keeping my previously confirmed plans, I got ready and then cheerfully said goodbye and went out, leaving him to it.

It works.

KERALA1 · 06/04/2017 14:53

TBH I would be quite hurt if an old friend I hadn't seen for a while binned a long standing arrangement to go to a subsequently arranged kids birthday party for a member of their dhs family. In fact I would be Hmm

Rachel0Greep · 06/04/2017 14:54

I'm part of a huge, extended family...do we all attend every event? Absolutely not. We will all make the effort, for the special occasions, wedding or suchlike. There is not a hair turned if one of us or any of the in-laws cannot get to an occasion.

Tell your husband sulking is a very unattractive trait in a child, and even more unattractive in an adult.
Get on with your own commitments. There is absolutely no need to attend every event. None whatsoever.

NerrSnerr · 06/04/2017 14:54

Christ. Does he tell you everything you have to do? He can not drink, get a cab or stay over- his choice. He's not the boss of you.

laurzj82 · 06/04/2017 14:54

Havent got time to read the full thread so sorry if this bas already been said: I like a drink as much as the next person but why on earth does he need to drink at a kids birthday party??

It is ok not to go to everything. If you've already got plans, you've got plans. Any reasonable family would understand. Let husband sulk.

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2017 14:58

He sulks and thinks it's ok to make you drop plans you've already made? Please tell me you're not going! It's a kid's party, no way would I go to those. How tedious. Is he disrespectful like this all the time? Serious chat needed, I think.

Pallisers · 06/04/2017 15:03

Why on earth are you putting up with this? Seriously.

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first.

So what if he says that. If that means he cancels other arrangements, well that is his thing but he isn't the boss of you. Anyway it is clear he wants a designated driver - probably doesn't give a shit whether you are actually there or not, as long as he can have a drink and get driven home.

You won't have many friends left if you keep up with this cancelling for the birthday party of your husband's niece's 5 year old.

Why do people put up with this shit from men?

WhiteCaribou · 06/04/2017 15:12

Does anyone else get the feeling that when DH says "family comes first" what he means is "me being able to drink at every occasion I choose to go to" comes first. I wonder if he'd be so insistent on the OP going to every event if she couldn't drive? Hmm

PenguindreamsofDraco · 06/04/2017 15:14

Yes YABU to resent going because you are choosing to go. Once you choose to cancel your own arrangements and go, it is unreasonable to resent doing that which you have elected to do.

If it were the case that you had to go to them all, YWNBU to resent that - but that's not the case.

Why are you being so passive about your own life?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 06/04/2017 15:14

whitecaribou I was going to post exactly the same thing. Basically he thinks that him being able to drink is more important the OP seeing his friends. I don't like this 'family comes first' stuff either, it is something a friends DP who is a controlling dick comes out with.

rollonthesummer · 06/04/2017 15:14

You're not helping yourself by pandering to sulking men

Increasinglymiddleaged · 06/04/2017 15:14

her friends

HorridHenryrule · 06/04/2017 15:15

Can't you go after meeting your friend. He should be able to compromise with you.

rollonthesummer · 06/04/2017 15:21

Whatever you do, don't agree to drop him off, go out with your friend and the go and collect him!

What would he do if you broke your leg and couldn't drive?

I'd start drinking if I were you!

user1484578224 · 06/04/2017 15:24

so he anesthetizes himself with alcohol and you are bored out of your head?

lazytuesday · 06/04/2017 15:25

Oh my gosh put your foot down!! You shouldnt be having to cancel plans you already made with your friends, for your DPs relatives childs birthday party. That is really mad.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 06/04/2017 15:27

He sulks because it works.

You already have plans, you are not available. It is not that you don't want to go, it's that you can't go as you are already busy. You are chosing to honour the plans you already have.

Keep repeating that you aren't free, you already have plans. That it would be rude to cancel plans to meet a friend because you've got a 'better' offer. If he pulls the "family comes first" crap (which is just so he can get drunk) say "I don't agree. You're free to put them first though, nothing stopping you going is there?"

Then ignore his sulking. He can't keep it up forever. If he does, you've got a bigger problem.