Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

222 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 06/04/2017 13:35

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/04/2017 14:09

Is it that he likes to go out and drink with a bunch of people who drink as much as he does? He can explain it away by the fact they're family, in a way that he couldn't justify going to the pub in the same way?

diddl · 06/04/2017 14:10

"Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink."

Hahahahahaha!

You've already got plans.

He can take the kid(s) to the party.

What an arse!

MatildaTheCat · 06/04/2017 14:11

DH and I both have big extended families, three siblings each all of whom are married with DC who are mainly grown up and have partners. Some of the partners come from very small families and frankly I think we must be an absolute ordeal. Trying to remember who everyone is etc plus the noise and banter. So whilst it's great if they come sometimes ( even we don't have as many events as you do) I definitely do not expect them to always come and wouldn't even be offended if they said they just didn't want to although there is always a polite excuse.

So no, YANBU at all. Just say no, thanks and sod your dh who doesn't care if you are there or not, he just wants a bloody lift.

1bighappyfamily · 06/04/2017 14:12

He sulks?!

My 3 year old doesn't get her way when she sulks.

Not your Circus, not your monkeys.

You've already made plans, so you can't go. He can do what he likes!

Mulledwine1 · 06/04/2017 14:13

If you already have plans, they come first. Its very unattractive to cancel plans at the last minute even though I understand why you feel you should.

Your DH should respect that.

And as for the "he wants to drink so I have to drive" - erm no. He can drive himself and drink cola.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/04/2017 14:14

Ugh sulking is so unattractive.

Stormtreader · 06/04/2017 14:14

Sounds like when he says "family comes first", what hes really saying is "I come first"

iseenodust · 06/04/2017 14:15

YANBU.
If family always come first even when you have an existing arrangement with a friend then soon you will lose your friends. Important family events (wedddings, big birthdays etc) come with lots of notice so you don't end up blowing friends off. A kid's party can be a good catch up but it is no way compulsory to attend every one.

YOur DH can be sober at one for a change. He may become less keen on attending them all in future if you split the driving/drinking turn and turn about.

CrabbyAnn · 06/04/2017 14:16

God, I feel your pain! My DP's family are party obsessed too. It's Tuesday? Let's have a party.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 06/04/2017 14:18

Agree with PP that you need to create your new normal.

You don't cancel something you have already booked for a late invitation. It's rude to your friend. Of course he can go on his own.

Stand firm.

alltouchedout · 06/04/2017 14:19

Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink

If family comes first, surely family comes above his desire to drink?

BeyondThePage · 06/04/2017 14:19

My DH family also like their parties and a "family fun weekend" in the summer. I haven't been to one yet, really not my scene at all.

As someone so rightly put above - Not my circus, not my monkeys. DH deals with it.

1bighappyfamily · 06/04/2017 14:20

What Stormtreader said.

PickAChew · 06/04/2017 14:20

Are his family my neighbours?

Stand firm. His second cousin's niece will do just fine without you at her six and a quarterth anniversary of cutting her second tooth party.

shitgibbon · 06/04/2017 14:23

It's a kid's party. Why would he be drinking anyway?

You have plans. He goes to this one alone.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/04/2017 14:25

Do you like living like this op?

It sounds absurd tbh.

My children knew from about 2 years old that I won't do something they wanted just because they sulked or cried. On the contrary. It's pathetic.

Just go where you'd prefer to go, like all adults who are in happy, respectful relationships. You don't even have to have a reason or justify it.

Orlantina · 06/04/2017 14:25

It's a kid's party. Why would he be drinking anyway

Depends on the kids?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 06/04/2017 14:27

Stop cancelling your plans, you fool!!

ReggaeShark · 06/04/2017 14:28

Fuck that for a lark.

Sciurus83 · 06/04/2017 14:28

Oh no no no, "I am seeing my friend that day, you will have to sort yourself out"

The end.

livefornaps · 06/04/2017 14:28

He's just obsfucating! (sp?!)

The "family first" is just smoke and mirrors - he just wants you there as a taxi service!

Nobody makes people cancel plans that are already made - that's just mean.

Seriously, he just wants to be chauffeured around & he's dressing it up as this "noblesse oblige" thing. Bullshit.

kaitlinktm · 06/04/2017 14:29

Family doesn't come first with him - drink does.

Been there, done that (probably not as frequently) but got sick of sitting around sober until he had had a thoroughly good time and then driving home in the wee hours with him comatose in the front seat - once I parked on the drive, shook him, took the kids in and left him haha!

Eventually I genuinely developed asthma every time I went to his parents' house and stopped going - I noticed that he didn't stay anywhere near as late then - and now he is an ex and his "very close" family have all fallen out over a will. Grin

His family first rule will always benefit him because he is the one with the large family - aren't you allowed to not agree?

spaghettithrower · 06/04/2017 14:29

You've already made plans end of story.
He can stay with his family and come back the next day if he wishes to drink.
First come first served - you'd made arrangements with your friend and the family party was announced after this. They should have given more notice.

Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 14:31

Remind him he is an adult and can surely get somewhere on his own by now.

Sod cancelling your plans, your friends, your plans, why should you cancel an adult get together with an old friend for a kids party? Bugger that for a laugh. Do not agree to this, make a stand now or it will go on forever.

Assert yourself, there is absolutely no reason why his family should come first all the time, his family his problem. You are just as entitled to see your friends when you want as he is to see his family (and tbh it seems like he sees plenty of them anyway) Meeting up with someone you havent seen in ages comes first over some kids party.

You are not his personal taxi service, if he wants to drink he can get the train home, or stay over and get a bus next day, or get a lift from a member of his huge family. Tell him to grow up, only kids sulk.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 06/04/2017 14:33

YANBU re the constant family parties but YABU for being a martyr. Make a bloody stand. So what if he sulks? You have made a prior engagement, put your big girl pants on, stand your ground and keep telling him that. If you can't do that then you have more problems with your DH than constant family parties. If his family is that big, surely someone else can give him a lift or this once he doesn't drink.