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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 08:55

Just a tangent but how was he charged without an appropriate adult with him? Was he actually arrested?

HallowedMimic · 04/04/2017 08:55

Was he actually awake?

Curiosity would have driven me out of bed, or the fear that someone had died.

If he was awake and could hear what was going on, I suppose there was no real reason for him to add to the numbers in the room.

bigchris · 04/04/2017 08:57

Was it because he had work today ? Where do you live that your ds feels he needs a knife for protection Sad

BaggyCheeks · 04/04/2017 09:00

Did you tell him to come and see what was going on? If not he could have assumed it was "fine" and nothing worth getting up over. I'd be focusing your anger at your DS rather than your DH. What the fuck was he thinking taking a knife out?!

kierenthecommunity · 04/04/2017 09:01

Was it because he had work today ? Where do you live that your ds feels he needs a knife for protection

Loads of kids do/say this as a sort of bravado/peer pressure thing. It doesn't mean they're at the remotest chance of any risk. Well, except the one time something does happen and the potential assailant could potentially wrest it off them. But kids don't consider that. Sad

Renaissance2017 · 04/04/2017 09:01

Your son is caught with a bladed article and the thing that upsets you most is that your husband didn't get out of bed?

Your priorities are really skewed.

AprilSkies44 · 04/04/2017 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 04/04/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainydayspending · 04/04/2017 09:05

It sounds as though there are a lot of problems in your household. Are you suggesting your husband's lack of involvement is connected to your 15 year old being out at a ridiculous for underage drinking and smoking hour with a weapon. Did he go to school today? Have the school been advised he carries weapons?
It sounds as though a lot needs to change.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 09:06

K - they did it here.
Add to the numbers Hollow? Can you 'add to the numbers' when it's your child?

I'm sorry if I'm difficult on this thread. I'm still feeling very jittery, baffled and shocked at the moment.

Dh is a hands on dad at home and very committed to the family but long hours and social anxiety keeps him back from parents evenings, appointments, school plays...things like that. I attend those things alone for the most part. A part of me does resent it but I mostly accept it.

I can't accept his reticence on this one however. Seems so selfish.

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 09:06

Apart from that I would be worried that my 15 year old could just sneak out of the house at midnight without me knowing.

It sounds like this has been a salutory lesson, learned before it is too late.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 09:08

I think this is very worrying. If your DH is prepared to stay in his room when the police wake up his wife in the middle of the night (for whatever reason), what else does he choose to stay out of? How is this reticence to parent and lead in his family (not because he is the dad but because he is one half of a parenting partnership) affecting his son's behaviour?

Megatherium · 04/04/2017 09:11

Is your husband at least prepared to step up to the mark in talking to your son about how bloody stupid this was?

Far too many kids who take knives out for protection end up getting stabbed by their own knives - because the reality is that, if they are attacked, they are still reluctant to use them, and it is all too easy for their attackers to get hold of the knife and use it on them.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 09:14

The 'blade' was a Stanley knife from the tool drawer. He had some childish notion of protection in case he was mugged and probably wanted to show off to his mates. He's a lover not a fighter...and when it comes to being 'street', pretty clueless. I'm more street than him.

I don't want to discuss my son. I'm a good parent and I will deal appropriately. You will all have to trust me on that.

OP posts:
Twentyten2010 · 04/04/2017 09:17

To judge whether you're being unreasonable, ask yourself what you would have done if the situation was reversed. If you heard the door go in the middle of the night, heard your son coming in with policemen, would you have stayed upstairs?? I'm guessing the answer is no.

Irrespective of what your son did, the issue you're raising here is about your husband and no, YADNBU

Crumbs1 · 04/04/2017 09:19

Agree the issue is less your husband and more your son (although they may be connected). School need to be made aware re knife. He needs to change his friendship group - move schools if necessarily- disrupted GCSEs are better than a criminal record. You need to get all weapons under lock and key including kitchen knives - children that carry knives are more likely to suffer serious stab injuries.
Go to school and seek advice re managing him. Get rid of notion h s a good boy - good boys don't suddenly start leaving at midnight with weapons. He's in with a gang.
I'd be thinking whether I could move away to remove him from those risks or whether I could send him boarding somewhere to protect him. There are state boarding schools and I'd be ringing to speak to every headteacher to explain the situation and see whether they could squeeze him in.
There is an organisation called Fairbridge Drake that supports and mentors youngsters at risk - might be worth a Google. Also go back to Police and ask them to signpost to local schemes to reduce youth offending.
I would also expect my husband to step up.

Moussemoose · 04/04/2017 09:19

Your 15 year old son is out of the house with a knife and you don't know!
His father is a good dad and is committed to the family but doesn't come downstairs when the police arrive.

You have some serious issues to face and you need to be honest with yourself I don't think you are being at the moment.

halcyondays · 04/04/2017 09:19

Yes of course he would.

NewIdeasToday · 04/04/2017 09:19

I see your last comment about not wanting to discuss your son. But I agree with earlier posters that your priorities seem squewed as you seem more upset with your husband than your son.

My husband would have had to get up in these circumstances as I would have called an immediate and serious family meeting - and he'd have heard me telling at my idiot son!!!

NormaSmuff · 04/04/2017 09:21

i was on pick up of teens last night, long saga of waiting and no phones and got home minus two teens. my dh was asking SO many questions I just wished he had slept through it.
but agree your dh should have got up to see what was going on?

is he afraid of being a father figure?
What is his excuse?

jojo2916 · 04/04/2017 09:22

Sounds like your dp was a bit scared perhaps due to his anxiety so not his fault although I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't face scary/difficult stuff for his family

wizzywig · 04/04/2017 09:22

Id be really annoyed and angry if my husband did that. The only excuse i could think that was reasonable is if he had the plague or something. Id have asked the police to carry on the conversation wherever your husband was hiding. Did he let you give birth alone too?

NormaSmuff · 04/04/2017 09:22

social anxiety keeps him back from school plays? Well that is your reason then. he was nervous of coming downstairs.

FeralBeryl · 04/04/2017 09:22

Leaving aside the issue with your son which you're dealing with (but I implore you to show him some of the evidence about knife crime often occurring when the attacker takes the knife from the victim and uses it on them)

You need to tell DH enough is enough. You've both allowed his anxiety to rule for too long, parents evenings etc are important for him to attend. I used to be with someone similar, it got fucking wearing being the only one who could go to the bar/answer the phone.
Would he consider counselling? It sounds like now is the time when a confident presence in your son's life would be highly beneficial. He needs to step up and you need to try and stop enabling him (I recognise you'll find it difficult after so long) Flowers

RamGoatLiver · 04/04/2017 09:23

He didn't bother getting up because it's "your problem" to deal with.

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