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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2017 09:50

Why didn't you go up, turn the bedroom light on and tell him he needs to come downstairs right now?

Evilstepmum01 · 04/04/2017 09:54

What Worra said. Did you actually speak to your DH when the police arrived or this morning? Have you asked him why he didn't come down? Told him you needed his support?

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2017 10:01

I have a 15 year old. If he had been returned home by the Police after drinking and smoking, and in possession of a knife at 2.45 am on a school night (in GCSE year) and I didn't know he was out I would still be trying to digest that information.

But DH would have been out of bed like a shot. In fact I would have sent him down to answer the door probably.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/04/2017 10:03

My dh would be out his bed if our 15 year old CHILD had snuck out and he would be looking for him.
He would be out his bed reading the riot act if our CHILD had snuck out for "a drink and a smoke"
He would be out of his bed if the door went during the night for any reason, not left me to answer alone.
He would have been out of his bed if the police were at the door.
If the police told me my ds had be out with a knife and about to be charged I would have been so shocked I would have went upstairs and told dh who would have been out of bed in a shot (not that he'd have been in bed in the first place!)

All of the above would have been very very unusual circumstances in our house so we would both be out our bed to find out what was going on, support each other and show an united family shocked at ds's actions (a nearly 16yr old drinking, smoking, carrying a knife should NEVER be minimised as childish notions. People end up with life long scars or worse from these childish notions gone wrong).

Why didn't you go and get him up and make sure he knew the severity of what he ds had done?

Either these are common occurrences in your home and your dh couldn't be bothered to get up for it again. Or you and your dh have serious communication and parenting issues.

PoppyFleur · 04/04/2017 10:05

YADNBU OP. I would be exceptionally angry and disappointed with DH if he did this to me.

I sympathise with your DH anxiety issues but he needs to address them. Is he seeking help from a GP?

As for your son, well you are the best person to judge your son's actions in light of his general character, not strangers on an Internet forum. However I would say that teenagers are not generally know for displaying good sense at all times and understanding the repercussions of ones actions. We are all capable of making bad decisions, doesn't mean we can't learn from them.

VintagePerfumista · 04/04/2017 10:06

With all due respect it's a bit difficult to expect people not to discuss the elephant in the room which is your son.

And the anxiety is going to get a fuck lot worse if your son's behaviour isn't dealt with either by you, or the police, next time something like this happens.

..and basically what everybody else has already said.

aibu1983 · 04/04/2017 10:06

i understand and can see these are separate issues, i'm sure you are doing all you can with regards to your son and that wasnt the issue you were bringing up on here not that it isnt important but you have that side of things handled. I'm not sure why everyone is jumping on you. i too would be fuming if my other half hadnt supported me and come downstairs. This is a major issue that both parents need to be present for to deal with together. Anxiety or not, i suffer from anxiety , what happens if a single parent suffers from anxiety? are they not expected to come to the door...

ICantLikeDirtyTuna · 04/04/2017 10:16

There's no way I would've answered the door in the middle of the night let alone dealt with issue by myself. I'd have sent him down & if he complained I'd point out the time & the fact that I don't feel safe opening the door at night! (Also, I feel this way regardless of how dodgy or safe the neighbourhood was where I lived)

Bantanddec · 04/04/2017 10:19

You're focusing on the wrong thing your son was caught underage drinking and smoking and carrying a weapon and your upset your husband was asleep?!
"Ds is a good boy"
He doesn't sound like a "good boy" you are aware at his age he can go to adult prison? it's a slippery slope that needs sorting now not scapegoating your husband for your sons shit behaviour.

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2017 10:25

I can understand you being in shock and that you don't want to discuss your son but it is very relevant if this is the first time or the 10th time this has happened.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 10:32

childish notions

Please don't discuss your DS if you don't want to, but do reflect on this. It isn't a 'childish notion' that you will carry a knife. It is a criminal act. Your DS is drinking, smoking, lying and carrying a lethal weapon - how many times has he done similar things and NOT been brought home by the police? You need to open your eyes.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/04/2017 10:34

Floggingmolly, I hear you, but OP could have called him downstairs.
I think she knows that he would have been out of his depth, and as much use as a chocolate teapot, so left him there.
I totally agree that he should support his family, or seek counselling, but he was probably overwhelmed by his anxiety.
Or maybe he's an entitled, lazy git ....

differentnameforthis · 04/04/2017 10:37

If his social anxiety keeps him from a pre-arranged parents evenings, prebooked appointments and the such, how can he be expected to face police unexpectedly?

I think your dh is getting a hard time here. No one would bat an eyelid at a woman staying upstairs in the middle of the night after a knock at the door.

And your son appears to be a little bit more street smart than you think...and idiotic. I WOULD be discussing him if I were you! Sneaking out the house with a weapon that he would use if he had to, that's plain stupid!

VintagePerfumista · 04/04/2017 10:41

No one would bat an eyelid at a woman not going down.

They might if that woman was one of the parents though...

BadTasteFlump · 04/04/2017 10:44

Your son is caught with a bladed article and the thing that upsets you most is that your husband didn't get out of bed?

Your priorities are really skewed.

^ this ^

I have two (older) boys. I can tell you with 100% clarity that neither of them would have ever sneaked out in the middle of the night for a 'drink and a smoke'. Or gone anywhere with a knife (the fact that it's a Stanley knife from a drawer makes no difference whatsoever, a knife is a knife).

The part about your DH wanting to keep out of it is completely bizarre. So no, YANBU. And I can't help suspecting that your son's behaviour and your DH's lack of input are linked.

LittleGwyneth · 04/04/2017 10:56

I'd be buying a house in the countryside or sending him to live with some aged relative in the middle of no-where, a la Victorian novel.

MrsJayy · 04/04/2017 10:57

So your son sneaks out with a knife and your husband hides when the police come ? You have a lot more going on in your house than you want to admit is your husband always so soft on your sons behaviour ?

blondehair · 04/04/2017 11:00

A 'drink and a smoke' at 15? Carrying a knife and getting brought home by the police? Your husband not even bothering to get up to see what's happening? Very worrying.

Florene · 04/04/2017 11:04

In respect of whether he has been 'charged', it sounds to me like they carried out a contemporaneous interview with him with his mother present. Given that he was found in possession and appears to have admitted the offence, this will be sufficient for a charging decision. However, due to his clean record and age, the decision has been made to refer him to Youth Offending for triage educational work rather than a chargr.

This means that he has the opportunity to work on his behaviour without incurring a criminal record. But if he fails to engage, he can still be dealt with via other disposal methods.

So yes, the 'charging' decision will have been made already.

juneau · 04/04/2017 11:05

Was your DH awake and aware of what was going on?

And if so, why didn't you go upstairs and tell him to come down and be part of things?

I mean, yeah, if he was awake then it IS weird and really rather crap of him to have left you to deal with what was quite a serious incident, but I don't understand why you didn't go and get him. I would've done in those circumstances.

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2017 11:06

I would have thought he should get at least a caution that will say on his records.

Porpoiselife · 04/04/2017 11:07

Wow unless he slept through it all he was very unreasonable for not coming down.

Your 15 year old sneaked out with a knife!!!! Whatever his reasoning to you for having it, no one carries a knife 'for protection'. And then was brought back by the police at 2.45am . And your oh just stayed in bed.

I think you need to give your oh a massive shake so he and you can together address the problems of your son. Sounds like he's in a gang or something.

stonecircle · 04/04/2017 11:11

If you went into him, waking him up if necessary, and said, "the police are here, you need to come downstairs" and he refused then YANBU. If you didn't then YABU.

I'd be careful about telling the school as this may lead to a permanent exclusion (it would at my dcs' school anyway).

He had some childish notion of protection in case he was mugged and probably wanted to show off to his mates.

Please think about what you've said here. And open your eyes.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 04/04/2017 11:12

Yep I'd be pissed off- but I'd have also recused myself and gone to get him - and said the police had asked for him is necessary. I understand he has an anxiety but as others have said - this is a wake up call for him as well as your DS and it's time for him to step up while you all nip this in the bud together. Hands on parenting for young kids jnvolves nappy changing and mess, for older kids it's engaging and mentoring.

alltouchedout · 04/04/2017 11:12

*Your son is caught with a bladed article and the thing that upsets you most is that your husband didn't get out of bed?

Your priorities are really skewed.*

Did the OP say that this was the thing that upset her most?

Given the seriousness of the issue and the work OP is going to need to do with her son in the future, and the importance of both adults in the house being engaged in it, I think it's quite bloody important for her DH to be involved, and I don't think it was appropriate for him not to have come down when the police where there.

OP, you do need to dig deeper with your ds. I would have snuck out for a drink and a smoke at 15, but I have never carried a knife. Either he has some seriously deluded ideas about how much use a knife would actually be and the levels of risk involved, or he is up to far more than he's letting on. Either way, there's something else there and you need to try and find out what it is.