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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 13:19

LoupGarou:

Legally the assumption is that if you are prepared to carry it, you are prepared to use it. The law in the US is different but here carrying weapons is taken very seriously, so I don't think you are helping tbh.

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 13:22

Nicknacky knives don't kill or maim, people do. Which why I said it depends on what he is like, if it was one stupid moment of rash judgement, its very different to if he has a knife obsession and likes to torture small animals.

I am covered in knife scars, I got them whilst being gang raped in my early teens whilst living in the UK. I am very well aware of knife crime and the damage it can do. One teenager who's probably been exposed to a lot of American media, where knives are more normal does not a dangerous person make.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 13:26

LoupGarou:

What happened to you sounds beyond awful Flowers

But please, please stop minimising this. In the U.K. It is simply not okay to roam the streets armed unless you are armed police. Armed, drunk and having sneaked out to meet mates in the middle of the night? This is recipe for the OP getting a much, much worse knock on her door. Sad

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 13:27

It is a criminal offence to carry a knife in Britain without lawful authority or reasonable excuse. Personality doesn't come into it.

I'm terribly sorry about your expertise I really am, but please don't imply that it's perfectly OK to carry a knife in Britain. It isn't. I'm a police officer and I see stabbings/slashings/robberies almost every day at work. It can't be encouraged.

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 13:27

Experience, not expertise!

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 13:31

Thanks both, it was a long time ago and I've long since dealt with my demons.

At no point did I imply its OK to carry a knife in the UK, its not, but if it was a one off stupid thing its very different to being a knife enthusiast. This is why I said hopefully it will be a very sobering experience for the OP's son.

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 13:32

Expertise is somewhat darkly appropriate.

Etymology23 · 04/04/2017 13:41

I don't think it's always illegal to carry a knife in the UK: blades

Nicknacky · 04/04/2017 13:44

I deliberately didn't mention the length of the blade, but yes that is right in relation to less than 3 inches that doesn't lock.

SteppingOnToes · 04/04/2017 14:01

For those who are minimising knife crime - I work in a blood bank in an average sized town and each weekend we have to deal with half a dozen or so 'knifings'. Not all of them require blood but it is still a huge waste of NHS resources and devastates lives.

BeachyKeen · 04/04/2017 14:09

I don't think Loup was minimizing knife crime, if anything, the opposite. She was just saying that having a knife dose not automatically make the op's son a bad person.

BeachyKeen · 04/04/2017 14:10

But rather a very foolish one

thatdearoctopus · 04/04/2017 14:12

Every person's "thug" is someone else's "good son."

I'd say that your husband hiding away upstairs while you were left to deal with the fallout of your son's behaviour, is the least of your problems at the moment. Although it could perhaps be a contributing factor.

LoupGarou · 04/04/2017 14:12

Thanks Beachy and yes precisely.

PUGaLUGS · 04/04/2017 14:16

Yes of course he would have come downstairs.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 14:18

BeachyKeen:

No-one said 'bad person'; they said not a 'good boy'.

I suppose he might be a 'good boy' in the sense that gangsters who go home on Sundays and always remember to buy flowers on Mothers' Day are 'good boys', but he isn't a 'good boy' in the sense that 'good boys' don't sneak out to drink and smoke in the middle of the night and carry offensive weapons.

RebelandaStunner · 04/04/2017 14:20

Yanbu. I would have woken DH up to answer the door together.
Your son has two parents and needs both of your input/support at this time. Social anxiety is not an excuse for not parenting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2017 14:32

Actually the thought occurred to me after I posted - what effect does your husband's behaviour have on your son's behaviour? Your son is sitting there, having been picked up by the police and being charged - all serious stuff - and his dad won't even come downstairs. How does this appear to your son? How does this make him feel?

P1nkP0ppy · 04/04/2017 14:41

I'd have dragged my DH down the stairs, how dare he absolve himself from his son's behaviour!
As for he's a good boy he bloody isn't, whether you like it or not. He sneaked out (was it really the first time?), with a knife (ditto) to 'defend himself with '- so his peers know he carries one and is prepared to use it and therefore possibly is likely to be a target of rival gangs/groups in future.
And your DH behaves like he couldn't care less. Some role model for the boy who possibly views his father as not giving a damn about him 'because of social anxiety '.
Sad and good luck.

robinia · 04/04/2017 14:47

To all the pps who think op's priorities are skewed - what on earth makes you come to that conclusion? I'm sure op will deal with him as top priority. But that's not what she came to mumsnet about - she wanted help in understanding her dh's behaviour, specifically whether it was reasonable or not.
I'm sorry op that do many people seem intent on derailing your thread.
As to your question, assuming your dh was awake, it would depend on the details of his social anxiety. It sounds pretty bad if he doesn't attend school events. How much have you spoken to him about it. Has he had any help for it or does he refuse to consider this? Now is the time when you need him to be there for you and ds. He needs to talk to you openly and honestly. And quite possibly seek counselling in the medium term. If his social anxiety is severe then this is unlikely to be resolved in time for him to be any help in dealing with the repercussions of ds's actions.

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2017 15:12

There are a lot of unanswered questions TBF. The OP doesn't want to discuss their son, just her DH's not getting up in the night it seems.

thatdearoctopus · 04/04/2017 15:14

OK, I'll answer the question.
Your DH was EXTREMELY unreasonable not getting up in the night to come and help you deal with the MASSIVE deal that was going on downstairs with your son.

Crumbs1 · 04/04/2017 15:21

Yes totally, totally unacceptable. As some said earlier " Social anxiety be damned" . If he cared about his son instead of wallowing in self pity he'd have been down before there was time to feel anxious. I would say the same for a woman. What a sad excuse for not participating in parenting. Facing your anxieties is much more effective than running away from responsibilities.

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 16:46

That's right - I have got my priorities straight and the situation with my son is in hand. As much as some of you want to give me a kicking over it, there is no need. I've got it covered and I'm not seeking advice.

I came here to discuss my husband. If posters are unable to stick to discussing the topic I have asked advice and opinions about, I'll just let the thread rumble on without me.

OP posts:
Bestthingever · 04/04/2017 16:47

I can't help thinking if the ds was top priority, she'd be posting about him not the dh.