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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/04/2017 20:49

Breeks, I hope you have a peaceful night without incident.
I hope your Son stays in his bed, and you'd DH mans up!
If not ... leave home, and let them fend for themselves. 🙄
Seriously, I hope your husband apologises for his lack of support, it's really not on. He needs to sit down with you, and parent his Son.
A knock on the door in the early hours, is always scary, because naturally, we expect unpleasant news. Unless he has a very plausible excuse for his absence, he has a lot of explaining to do.
For you. 🍷

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2017 00:22

"he was lying awake in bed saying he heard voices but had no idea what was going on."
Well the way to get an idea of what was going on would have been to GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BEDROOM YOU WANKER. Sorry to shout OP, but that mealy-mouthed offering in combination with saying nothing since would have me showing him the door. And I don't say that lightly.

BeachyKeen · 05/04/2017 02:44

Holy crap. I just read the further updates about him being awake.
God forbid this happens again in future, you say to the police man "excuse me a moment, I'm going to go upstairs and get my husband, I'd like him here for this" and then grab him by the ankle if you have to, and get his self down and present.
Does he have form for dodging responsibility in difficult times?

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 05/04/2017 03:06

How did he know it was the police initially? If we had a knock on the door at 2.45am it wouldn't be me answering it if DH was home (he's away a lot atm) If I did ascertain it was the police and opened the door, and DH wasn't there , I can only imagine how annoyed he would be that he wasn't there. But given that he isn't here much of the time (Royal Navy) I'd be quite prepared to sort ds out myself. And it would be a major rollicking!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/04/2017 03:31

It does seem to be that your partner decided he would leave you to deal with it all, and doesn't see why he should behave like an adult, a partner or a father.

Without any mitigating factors and without knowing him, all I can think is what a weak and selfish coward he is. Obviously I can judge him alot harsher than you, as a stranger on the internet. But really, why the hell does he think it's ok for him to check out of life when it suits him? It's a betrayal of sorts.

Poor you, just when you need a proper adult and love to go through this together, you get a selfish weakling who can't even muster up a pretence of caring about his loved ones. Boak. It's not nice is it, rather revolting and nausea inducing.

Flowers
Sammysilver · 05/04/2017 04:16

Sorry. Haven't read the entire thread. But isn't the fact that the DH suffers from social anxiety a 'mitigating factor?'. I think it's being overlooked by too many here. It's irrelevant whether any posters who suffer from it would have acted differently. It obviously affects different people in different ways. I think this speaks to a lack of understanding/regard of mental health difficulties. As such, to label him 'weak' 'cowardly' or telling him to 'man up' is frankly ignorant. It's akin to telling a clinically depressed person to 'cheer up'. That said, if I were in the OP's shoes, of course I'd want the support of my DH. I don't know what , if any, treatment he has/ or is taking in relation to his illness.

LostPlatypus · 05/04/2017 04:40

As someone who has social anxiety, I would not have been able to join you in those circumstances. However, if that is also true for your DH, in my opinion he needs to a) acknowledge that and apologise, and b) seek treatment for it if he isn't already.

Mental health issues can make you unintentionally selfish, especially when your fear of doing something is so bad that no matter how much you want to, it just seems impossible. Please don't think I'm trying to make excuses for your DH's behaviour behave cause obviously you should not have been left to deal with that situation on your own. I'm just trying to say that if he didn't join you because of his social anxiety then I can understand that. That doesn't change the fact that he needs to work on trying to stop any similar situations happening in the future before you end up feeling resentful towards him for being unsupportive.

SSR24479 · 05/04/2017 05:25

Maybe police make him nervous, or he stayed back on purpose to calm himself down from anger or anxiety.

tralaaa · 05/04/2017 06:02

I had about 4 years of police / court / trouble with a teenage boy. Who now is lovely law abiding hard working family man who has put those years behind him - I think your DH should have got up and shown a united front - the police do take the family into account IMO

GreatFuckability · 05/04/2017 06:16

The lack of understandingof how anxiety works on this thread is staggering.
In this situation would I have been able to go downstairs, after being woken in the middle of the night to people in my house? highly unlikely when my anxiety was its worst. I couldn't even talk to my own mother on the phone as it would send me spinning. I didn't talk to anyone other than my husband for a good 6 month period.
Did i feel shit? of course! and that self loathing and wondering i couldn't be normal is REALLY helped by being berated by people telling me to not be so selfish and to suck it up etc etc. Hmm

Sammysilver · 05/04/2017 07:38

Absolutely, Great. This is a perfect illustration that the current focus in the media of raising awareness of mental health problems is absolutely necessary.

GeekGoddess · 05/04/2017 07:47

I can assure you that I know about anxiety. But however hard it is, you don't get to check out of your life without consequences. The dh here compounded the issue by storming off and refusing to talk about it. Yes, his MH issues surely had an impact on his behaviour but it is still
his behaviour, which also impacts on his family and his wife has a right to be angry with him about it. If he was anxious to the extent of being physically unable to move from his bed, then he needed urgent medical attention. In the end, if we want to retain responsibility for our own lives and mind we have to take responsibility for own own actions, as difficult and unfair as that can seem sometimes.
I am sympathetic and without going fully into details, I can assure you I know a lot about how anxiety works, but the world goes on around you, like it or not.

propertypriceguide · 05/04/2017 08:32

Does he talk about his anxiety issues with you? I can imagine that it would be hard to come down and face the police but I would also think that he would be upset and wanting to explain afterwards unless that is why he became angry because he feels shame.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/04/2017 08:45

How are you Breeks ?

didnotplanthis · 05/04/2017 08:57

Did your husband stay in bed because he knows about your sons habit of sneaking out at night?

Maybe he stayed out of it to try prevent his son saying "but dad says it is ok" or "but dad told me to take the knife out at night". etc.

In your shoes I would ask your son how often he has done this, and has your husband known about it long.

AllllGooone · 05/04/2017 08:59

I would expect my dh to get up. Bloody hell.

OutToGetYou · 05/04/2017 09:00

I'm bewildered how you didn't just go and get him, that's what I'd have done.

In fact, I'd have woken him up when I heard the door at 2.45am, saying "did you hear that, was that the door, go and find out...."

Roomster101 · 05/04/2017 09:12

I think it is really odd that your DH didn't get up but did he realise that the police were there or have any clue about what was going on? Why didn't you wake him up? That is the first thing I would do.
If he definitely knew they were there and something serious was going on but still didn't get up I would suspect that your DH has been in trouble with the police in the past and prefers to avoid them.

Original poster
Breeks · 05/04/2017 09:41

Good morning. I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Ok. My husband's social anxiety. It's pretty bad. When I met him I realised he was 'shy' but he had a good circle of friends and a normal social life, so it didn't factor. It wasn't until after we had had ds1 that I came to understand how serious and debilitating his disorder was/is.

He sought help some eight years ago or so and was referred to a psychologist who diagnosed severe SAD. He then attended CBT for the allotted six appointments one is offered through the NHS.
So yes, it's bad. Yes, he has sought help. No, it hasn't gone away. No, we cannot afford ongoing therapy for him.

As for myself, it is something I have had to learn to live with. There are times, like this, when it's really hard. Dh hasn't called anxiety to excuse himself. I am expressing my exasperation with it in writing this thread.

As yet, we have not fully discussed what occurred beyond ds1's part. Dh is off for the next three days (we are on our Easter break) and when it is productive to talk it out without WW3 breaking out, we will.
Sorry if that's a boring conclusion.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 05/04/2017 09:54

There are times, like this, when it's really hard.

That's the crux of it. It's not really about whether it was unreasonable of him not to come down. For someone without his issues of course it would be unreasonable, but it has to be taken in context.

You are struggling, as so many people do, supporting someone with psychological or MH problems. It's horrible, I've been there. Even though you know they are ill it's hard never to fall into the trap of wishing they would just get a grip and sort themselves out.

I can't offer much advice other than maybe this incident is a good opportunity to try and persuade him to recognise that he needs to try and get some help, if not for him then for you. You obviously compensate a lot for him but you can't be expected to do it all with no light at the end of the tunnel.

GreatFuckability · 05/04/2017 10:00

I think thats a sensible conclusion actually, OP. And the right way to go about it. This kind of disorder situation isn't simple and can take a long long time to improve if it ever does. And I appreciate that its not easy to live with someone like this, and that its massively frustrating for you.

For the posters who are being less empathetic about it. I wonder if her DH were in bed with a cancer, or some other illness if you'd be as judgemental about his not coming down?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/04/2017 10:02

Glad you're okay Breeks, what you've proposed, sounds like a plan to me. Hope it goes well. 🌸

Fairenuff · 05/04/2017 10:23

How strange that you can't discuss something like this with him without WW3 breaking out.

It does sound like his anxiety is not going to change so shouting at him, berating him, complaining at him, or whatever it is that WW3 looks like in your house, isn't going to help anyone is it.

Original poster
Breeks · 05/04/2017 10:35

Thanks you lot.

Can I just say...I'm a long term poster on a name change. We all know the Mail, among other ne'er do wells, trawl the site for dirt. Therefore, when someone says they don't want to discuss something, it is not a challenge to goad the OP into giving it up. Respect their privacy.

I'm an old hand here so it was easy for me to ignore the insults and provocation of some and the sheer conjecture of others. I've seen it all before. Thanks to those who didn't dine out on my parenting or my son with nothing to go on. xx

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2017 13:01

"We all know the Mail, among other ne'er do wells, trawl the site for dirt. Therefore, when someone says they don't want to discuss something, it is not a challenge to goad the OP into giving it up. Respect their privacy."

Well said.