Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If the police brought your teenager home in the middle of the night....

204 replies

Breeks · 04/04/2017 08:52

Would you expect your dh to get up to see what's going on?

This is precisely what happened last night. Our teenage son (15) sneaked out at midnight to meet some other teenagers for a 'drink and a smoke'(!) They scattered when they were accosted by the police who were out doing the rounds anyway. Ds was caught and found to have his dad's Stanley knife on his person, which he says he took out for protection.

They brought him home at 2.45 am. I heard the door and got up to answer it, after which I let them in and took them into the living room to hear them out. He is being charged with possession of a knife and the charge will go to a children's panel. They don't think it will come to anything permanent, but because he's nearly 16 they won't let it slide.

Ds is a good boy overall - never been in any trouble to speak of before. He's crapping himself which I am not doing anything to soothe. He has been an idiot.

But my point is, the police were here talking to me for about half an hour - till 3.15 am. They took my details, dh's details, asked this question and that question and gave ds a good talking to. In that whole time dh didn't come to see what was going on. He left me to deal with whatever it was, by myself. He stayed in the bedroom and kept well out of it.

What do you make of that? AIBU to feel thoroughly unsupported and let down by him? That's not appropriate is it?

OP posts:
GeekGoddess · 04/04/2017 09:24

Of course he should have got up. Social anxiety is real, but people can and do override it when needs must. I would start to worry and wonder what it would take to get him to engage with his family.

Perhaps a proper bollocking from his dad would have shocked him more than you or the police did.

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2017 09:25

He's not being a father figure and he's not acting as an equal partner in your marriage, either. Does he really think that would go unnoticed by the police? I would be ashamed of your husband if I were you, OP. He needs to be an adult in the family.

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 09:25

"He needs to change his friendship group"

This ^^ would worry me as well. It sounds like he is in with the "wrong crowd"

Pouncival · 04/04/2017 09:25

To answer your actual question - yes I'd be furious. However, I would have gone and got him up and made him come in.

Monkeyface26 · 04/04/2017 09:26

It is completely understandable that you are feeling jittery. You have had a terrible shock and at the same time as feeling cross with your son for his deception & foolishness, you feel protective of him because you know that he was showing off, not being aggressive, but his actions have ramifications for his future.
I think it would be all too easy in these circumstances to project some of your anger and frustration onto your dh. I do understand why you would think that he should have got up but you say he is a good hands-on dad at home. I think your fear and anger are looking for an outlet but be wary of focusing too much on this. Your son needs to see a united front from his parents just now. Perhaps dh's response is something you and dh can revisit in a couple of weeks when you have had time to digest this.
I'm sorry for your troubles op. Hope the consequences are not too long-term.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/04/2017 09:26

I'd be very pissed off with my DH in this situation.

He absolutely should get involved when they pull stunts like this, not fair to leave it all to you.

I'm the one in my family who tends to pick up the teen shit whilst DH takes a back seat. Your DS needs to see a united front. What did DH say about it this morning?

Fairenuff · 04/04/2017 09:26

If his social anxiety is that bad, did you really expect him to get up? Surely this would be a highly anxious situation, much more difficult that say turning up to watch a school play?

Why is this bothering you so much considering his condition?

It's not as if he just doesn't care.

Or is it? Confused

NormaSmuff · 04/04/2017 09:27

what did he do when you went back to bed? was he sleeping/pretending to be sleeping?

Hassled · 04/04/2017 09:27

You were completely unsupported by him - it wasn't fair to let you deal with what must have been an incredibly stressful experience alone. And your DS's stupidity is his problem too - he can't just hide away in the bedroom. I sympathise about his anxiety but is he doing anything to resolve it - has he seen his GP? Because if it's got to the point that he can't support his wife and child while the police are at the door then he really needs help.

supermoon100 · 04/04/2017 09:27

I'm sorry I am more shocked at your son's behaviour than your husband's, although he too has behaved badly. How can you excuse any of your son's behaviour? 'He's essentially a good boy'! Carrying a knife to show off to friends? wtf! That's just crazy. That's exactly how people die. He has to learn to be his own person and tell that bunch of muppets he hangs out with to fuck off. Most likely there is a connection between your husbands lack of willing to engage and parent appropriately and your son's behaviour. Sorry for what you are going through

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2017 09:27

I don't think "he'd never actually use it!" is any defence for carrying an offensive weapon, you know. Sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night with a weapon for protection is fairly serious shit; and your DH is unable to help you deal with it due to his social anxiety??
How in earth does he hold down a job? Hmm

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 09:29

He could have killed someone with that knife. That is the issue. Nothing else matters.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 04/04/2017 09:30

We'll, did your DH wake up and deliberately didn't come down, or did he just sleep thorough this?

Why didn't you fetch him?

Greenkit · 04/04/2017 09:31

It sound like they are dealing with it away from custody, he wasn't arrested and will have a 'chat' with the YOT panel.

I would have been annoyed with my husband

halcyondays · 04/04/2017 09:33

You could hardly sleep through the police banging on the door in the middle of the night. What would he have done if the op hadn't been there?

Original poster
Breeks · 04/04/2017 09:35

Again...I won't discuss my son.
Thanks to anyone replying. I have to go out now as I have a prior engagement to honour. I will be coming back to this later.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/04/2017 09:35

You dealt with the matter.
If your DH suffers from social anxiety, his levels could have been very high, on hearing the Police arrive.
Whilst understanding you would have appreciated his support, he probably struggled to come down stairs.
Don't give him a hard time, discuss together, how you will move forward.
Teenagers can be massive plonkers, hope all goes as well as can be expected. 💐

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2017 09:39

I'd imagine op's levels were fairly high as well, sugar. You can't op out of family life because you're too stressed to deal with it

JennyOnAPlate · 04/04/2017 09:39

Did he actually wake up? My dh would have slept through the whole thing.

PrettyGoodLife · 04/04/2017 09:40

I would feel let down. But then could he have fallen asleep (speaking as some one who slept through babe crying, DH getting out of bed, plonking DS on me, breast feeding, DH burping DS and settling etc and waking up in the morning have had the best sleep.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/04/2017 09:40

YANBU. I also suffer with social anxiety but this was something happening with his child within his house. DH's responsibilities as a parent far outweigh any discomfort he may have felt in speaking to the Police. Nobody wants to do these things, but if the Police have a need to bring your child home in the middle of the night then, sorry, but you cannot just opt out from dealing with it!

Whether you & DS needed DH's support or not, he most definitely should have got up and offered it. What on earth is his excuse for not being interested?

HerOtherHalf · 04/04/2017 09:41

Can't believe your DH did not get up - absolutely mind-boggling.

Whilst you don't want to discuss your son, sorry but as someone who has been on the wrong end of a knife, and had several friends injured by them over the years, I'm going to say my piece. You are massively minimising this. Your son is not a good boy - good boys do not carry knives full stop, regardless of what bullshit excuse they try and fob you off with. Also, you seem to think a Stanley knife is not that big a deal, sorry but you are clueless. Stanley knives were the weapon of choice for the neds in my hometown when I was younger because they are cheap, accessible and do horrific damage. They are also lethal weapons - exactly what the hijackers during the 9/11 attacks used to kill cabin staff.
You might also want to educate your son on the realities of our legal system and specifically what we are entitled to under the provisions for self-defense. Specifically, we are not allowed to pre-arm ourselves. So if your son was ever threatened or attacked and used a knife he had chosen to carry, any attempt to claim he was acting in self-defense would be laughed out of court and he would be charged with assault with an offensive weapon, or worse depending on the damage he does.

Sallystyle · 04/04/2017 09:42

Op YANBU to be upset with your husband.

My husband has severe anxiety but nwih would he leave me to deal with that alone. He would be too worried about what was going on to not come and check. I would be angry and really hurt.

As for your son, I don't think you are more concerned about your husband's actions than you are your son's actions. You know your son was wrong and you're going to deal with it. You weren't so sure about your husband which is why you asked here. I don't think your priorities are screwed as it's possible to be upset about both things but only needing advice on one of them.

Oblomov17 · 04/04/2017 09:46

I can't believe your husband didn't come down. Or you didn't go and get him.

And your son? Shock

He can't have been charged. Can he? In your lounge. That's not the way it works. Are you getting confused about the technical and law terms?

happy2bhomely · 04/04/2017 09:47

The trouble is all mums think their sons are good boys.

I know a few really dodgy men. I've known them since they were boys. Not friends but we went to the same school and they live locally. They include a drug dealer, a violent thug and one that is dead. They all love their mums and their mums say they are 'good boys'. They are nice women. Their sons are 'nice' men too. They are friendly and love their families. They are all 'good boys overall'.

Your son is not a good boy. Good boys do not go out with a knife for protection, for a drink and a smoke. What are they smoking? How well do you know him and his friends?

In answer to your question. If the police brought home my son (mine is 16) then it would have been my DH who answered the door in the middle of the night. I would have followed him.

How has your DH reacted now?